23 January 2019 at 4:43 pm #19949
I am new to this forum – so here goes…
I lost my wife of 15 years a few weeks ago, leaving me and four young children broken hearted.
I reckon I am still in the “post funeral” phase as the cards and letters keep coming every morning.
My wife battled cancer for two years and when it re-surfaced last Summer we both knew deep down how things were going to end up but we kept going, hoping the treatment might perform a miracle and we were also keen to minimize any disruption for our children.
Unfortunately it all got away from us at the back end of last year and our plans for “practical” conversations and breaking it gently to the kids went out the window.
As it has only been a few weeks it is all pretty raw and I am focused for the time being on the kids who are back at school and all reacting (or not) in their own ways. I am also knee deep in paperwork and red tape which is daunting but I know it just needs to be done.
The above keeps me busy which is not a bad thing I suppose but in quiet moments the whole thing engulfs me.
In a perverse way I see the paperwork etc. as a remaining connection with my wife but when the dust settles she is gone for good.
Would be very grateful if anyone out there can share any thoughts/experiences regarding these early, raw days.
Many thanks.26 January 2019 at 6:35 pm #20030
I read your post the other day and hoped that someone whom had ‘walked your path’ would be able to offer some kind words and advice. I haven’t been where you’re at fortunately, apart from facing the future as a solo parent. I’d agree that it’s really early days and expect that some days will be better than others, bereavement is very much a process of adaptation. Your past will always be your past, no-one can ever take away the memories you created together with your wife and children, your future will be an adaptation of your past, just a continuation in a different form. That’s the way I like to think of it anyway.
Have you thought about visiting the GPs just for a chat, see what support there is available? Alternatively the ANPs (advanced nurse practitioner) are really good at offering the emotional support. Please don’t ever think these services are there for a prescription.2 February 2019 at 7:05 pm #20484
Hello like you I am new to gingerbread & I joined up about a month or two ago & today I am writing something..
It seems our life stories are a little similar, my wife passed in October after a short battle with cancer also leaving myself & our four children to process the whole situation & pick up the pieces .. we gave my wife & mother to our children a fantastic send off & that’s an everlasting memory!!!!
We had been together for 24 years so the whole in all our life’s is immense but the kids are resilient & moving forward.. my two eldest 13& 11 have been having a little counselling through the school which I think is a way for them to talk to someone that is disconnected from our situation..
my wife passed October 26th & today is the 2nd of February, if you ask me how I made it to today I really couldn’t answer you .. some how you just get by dealing with the kids , dealing with everyday things like washing the pots , doing the washing machine stuff , hoovering, dusting & cooking most days 🤪🤪..it really is not easy because you will find yourself thinking of your life partner..
you mentioned the paperwork, well me myself wether weird or not I still have my wife’s phone contract going & probably will not close , I don’t think I will close her Halifax bank account because that’s the account we paid our household bills from & I plan to start doing the postcode lottery because that’s what she played .. at some point I will change my thoughts but today 4 months down the line am keeping them !!!
The whole situation is mind blowingly difficult but today I look at my kids & at some point one of them will make me laugh today & then one will wind me up &’that’s another day ..3 February 2019 at 9:14 am #20497
Hey. I can’t even begin imagine what both of you are going through. Your poor children losing their mother. Losing a parent at any age is difficult.
Im sure both you dads are doing an amazing job at being both parents now.
The rest of us here I guess had a choice whether to be single or not, most of us are single because of a relationship breakdown. However not having that choice makes things so much harder.
Just keep going is all I can say, take one day at a time. Be there for your children help them to heal, and more importantly do whatever it takes to help yourselves heal. I’m sure with time it will get easier.
All the best xx3 February 2019 at 11:56 pm #20513
Hi, I am new to gingerbread but I am not new to bereavement. I lost my husband 10.5 years ago to Accute myeloid leukaemia. He was first diagnosed when our son was 3 and I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter. He went through treatment and had a stem cell transplant but after 3 years battling it took him away. I feel your pain and the worries I had them.
All I can say is that you find the strength with in and the children are the dire in your heart that carries you through the hard times. It still continues to hurt but you learn to deal with the pain. That song plays on the radio you sing along listen to it louder as it is away that our loved ones are saying we are still here and your doing ok.
The children will keep your wife alive I know my children keep their dad alive.
I hope this has helped.4 February 2019 at 11:01 am #20522
Hi all. Justine from Gingerbread here. It is comforting to see how you are all reaching out to offer support and share experiences. Sometimes those experiences are similar and sometimes they are just relevant.
I have a couple of signposting options for those whose partner has died. I hope they may be of use for some of you.
<!– [if !supportLists]–><span style=”font-size: 12.0pt; font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; color: #1f497d; mso-themecolor: text2; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;”><span style=”mso-list: Ignore;”>·<span style=”font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’;”> </span></span></span><!–[endif]–><span style=”font-size: 12.0pt; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’; color: #1f497d; mso-themecolor: text2; background: white;”>Widowed and Young provide peer to peer support service for men and women under 50 who have lost a partner.<span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span>It is run by a network of volunteers and offers a range of services. </span><span style=”font-size: 12.0pt; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’;”>https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/</span>
<!– [if !supportLists]–><span style=”font-size: 12pt; font-family: Symbol; color: #1f497d;”><span style=”mso-list: Ignore;”>·<span style=”font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal; font-family: ‘Times New Roman’;”> </span></span></span><!–[endif]–><span style=”font-size: 12.0pt; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’; color: #1f497d; mso-themecolor: text2; background: white;”>Cruse Bereavement Care offers face to face, telephone and online support to those who have lost someone.<span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span></span><span style=”font-size: 12.0pt; font-family: ‘Arial’,’sans-serif’; background: white;”>https://www.cruse.org.uk/</span>
I hope this helps and please carry on chatting through the forum.
Justine4 February 2019 at 11:05 am #20523
Just including the details again as they got a bit lost in the last post…..
Widowed and Younge provide peer to peer support for men and women under 50 who have lost a partner. It is run by a network of volunteers and offers a range of services. https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/
Cruse Bereavement Care offers face to face, telephone and online support to those who have lost someone. https://www.cruse.org.uk/