Reasonable or Needy??? Advice please Guys
3 August 2019 at 5:26 pm #28706
Ive been in a relationship with an amazing man for 15 Months now myself and my 4 children adore him and his 10 year old son 💙. But (theres always a BUT!) i need some advice on what you guys think and how you would approach or deal with the situation please. we live an hour apart and he works monday to Friday in which his work is about 50 mins away from his house and about 1 Hour and 10 mins from my house we only see each other on weekends even still now and sometimes its only 2 weekends a month. He either comes up with his son and we all spend the weekend together or at times he comes alone myself and my children love them both and visa versa. we have spoke about moving in together as its been a while but he has never lived completely on his own he comes from quite a privileged family he is the same age as me and still lives at home in his parents house and his son has his own room at the house and he has free access to his son (i also have a really good relationship with his ex). He has made it clear he doesnt want to move out of his home town and will as a compromise find a job half way between his home town and my house. He had an opportunity to attend an interview for said job but has found every excuse not to go for it (i know theres no guarantee of getting the job) and he gets quite snappy when i bring up about the future and progressing in the relationship its not like me and my 4 children can move into his parents house with them all 😅 and hes not bringing anything to the table (like suggesting saving together to move to his home town like i did but got shot down). i have had to give up my respectful, reasonably paid job to care for one of my children full time untill he is settled with school and meds etc he has special needs) and i was very lucky to get social housing through said job so its cheap rent and a forever home but it only has 3 rooms so 3 boys would have to share a room if he comes to live with me and his son comes to mine (which he already does and sleeps on a put me up for now)i have no issues with this but my partner does as he wouldnt have his own room at my house. Also some weekends my partner says he wants a weekend of no driving so stays at home so we dont get to see him and i am learning to drive so when bis parents are away we go down and stay some weekends/holidays. my partner says hes got no money majority of the time so i pay for the days out, treats etc. and if i cant we juat dont do anything just stay indoors which is fine sometimes but not every time we see him and his son i love making memories and treating all the kids. He will happily buy an expenaive addition for his gaming PC though! im really trying my hardest to make it work he says he doesnt want to stay at mine in the week because he doesnt like getting up so early to leave for work as its an extra 20 minites but he leaves an extra hour earlier to get there then if he was leaving from his house. i feel like im the one making all the effort planning and paying for days out with him and his son and ive had his son when his dad and mum have had to work but yet he never treats my kids or suggest days out and because i dont drive i offered to buy a bigger car and pay the cost of the insurance for him on it but he keeps it at his house and drives it up so we can all go out more as a family on the weekends his response was “we already have 3 cars parked at my house so i dont want another one parked there” (there is space!) i go above and beyond to male him and his son be apart of my family. i think hes just spoilt and happy to plod along at home with no proper responsibility and keep things as they are with us but i want to start seeing each other more and im starting to doubt we have a future. Hes a lovely man, hes attentive, respectful really good with my boys and i love him so much but at what point does this become not wnough if we are only seeing each other a few times a month! i still feel lile im a single person and i definitely am a single mum 100%. i just want to feel part of a team with him lile we are in it together like hes got my back and surely of you truely love someone youll always find a way or am i just being silly and needy? Advice please xxx3 August 2019 at 6:30 pm #28707
I don’t think you are being needy but obviously looking at his life style he has got it quite cushy living with his parents. if I was you I would say try not to analyse things and go with the flow . Its not easy bringing up a child with special needs and it can be quite draining going to hospital appointments as well as running a home. If it was me I would wait until the end of the year and approach your partner again and have a chat again. But I suggest that you prepare yourself for him telling you that he is not going to leave his job or move out of his parents. Have a lovely weekend3 August 2019 at 6:34 pm #28708
Sorry just read that you are paying for days out when he is working and living with parents! What is he doing with his money ? Does not sound good to me!3 August 2019 at 6:49 pm #28709
Thank you for that. I think i probally do over think things sometimes and at this moment in time i just want to see him more.
I just hate feeling like im giving my all and its not being reciprocated im low maintenece i dont ask for anything but love, respect, honesty and his time as a family not just us alone.
I have no idea what he does with his money he always tells me hes got none so he cant come on days so instead of him making alternative suggestions that are free or low priced he just expects us all to stay in all the time. We both live in sea side towns and theres always lots on community events etc. Anyway im no push over and if he does continue to not contribute or try ill end up just finishing things but lets hope it doesnt get to that. 🙁3 August 2019 at 7:31 pm #28712
He needs to contribute to food at least when he is with you and your children . I know you care for him but don’t let him use you as you are not working and have mouths to feed too !3 August 2019 at 10:03 pm #28716
Hi Busy bee.
Something is definitely not right. I think the guy isn’t treating you fairly at all. The money situation is wrong in so many ways. In fact everything you’ve said is sending alarm bells ringing.
Sorry for the not so positive response but I’ve got to honest.
Mark4 August 2019 at 1:30 am #28720
Yeah i think ive just been sugar coating it in my head for a while now. Im so unhappy at the moment but conflicted as inside you think “give it time its probally because hes just not used to being in a proper relationship and he needs to learn” but i cant make him want to be with me. A bit of honesty would be nice. So frustrating i thought id finally foumd the one!4 August 2019 at 1:19 pm #28733
It’s good to hear that you like him and he is the best.
But, here you have many issues to think and absolutely many issues to manage and it’s easy to manage by your side.
If, you are partner doesn’t be helpful in these important things, it’s difficult to manage.
Just please think about the near future.
I think it’s not a good and proper relation for a long time.
Thanks and good look4 August 2019 at 3:51 pm #28734
Like I said just go with the flow for the time being. I did not live with my ex but when he stayed he paid for the baby sitter, meals out and concert tickets. I did not let him contribute to food or bills because it was my home and he was my guest. He my was not my child father!4 August 2019 at 11:31 pm #28740
I can relate to and feel what your saying. It’s an interesting story. It sounds like he doesn’t know how good he has it and he takes your relationship for granted, slightly. My advice would be to stick with it if you enjoy eachothers company and keep working improving the relationship. I have given up way to easily in the past and have since lived to regret it. Good luck.
Jason5 August 2019 at 12:32 am #28742
Ive been quite down today and upset and he just had no interest in trying to reassure me. I was very blunt (as per!) And said that i want 50/50 in the relationship as he asked me if id consider moving to his home town (i have spoken about this to him many times before) but its harder for me to move i have 4 children all in different schools and my 11 year old is starting a SEN school this September near my home its not as easy as just up and going! (Again i have explained this) all he has to do is move himself from his parwnts to my house (clothes, paper work, bits n bobs and gaming pc set up!) He has his son weekends and holidays in which we would arrange a proper space for him to feel at home at mine! I said if i considered moving to his home town i would need a comitment from him as id be leaving behind friends and my home and up rooting the children from school and id expect 50/50 from the relationship so help with the kids, house and financially.
So his response was he couldnt cope living with us as at times its stressful (as youd expect with 4 boys and one being special needed) and he couldnt commit to what id be asking.
So do i carry on as a what i described today as a glorified F. Buddy (as that basically how this is making me feel) and just accept that this is how it is part time relatio ship with no proper commitment or end things as there clearly doeant seem to be light at the end of the tunnel for us!
Why does it have to be ao complicated!!!!!5 August 2019 at 7:17 am #28745
The point is if your partner is not contributing now do you think he would contribute in the future if you were all to move in?
My child has special needs and I work part time so I can get some rest and go to hospital appointments. Perhaps when your children go to school maybe look for something part time that fits in with them . You can focus more on work and kids and eventually you will know in your heart of this guy is the right one. Good luck and hope the week is better for you .5 August 2019 at 12:14 pm #28759
Sorry to hear that, I have to be blunt though and say it sounds like you’ve gained another 2 children. I can’t see any compromise or partnership. I can see a man taking the biscuit (politely said) make sure you let him know you’re worth more than you’re getting and that you’re willing to walk away if he doesn’t up his game 😉
- This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by mumfordandsons.