Really Struggling, newly single

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This topic contains 35 replies, has 22 voices, and was last updated by  welshdad 2 months, 4 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 36 total)
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  • #19772 Report

    Alan1
    Participant

    Hi IRMoore

    I feel exactly the same and also wonder who would want to date a 35 year old guy with two kids :-(.

    i think this will probably be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to go through

    feel free to DM me if you want to go through this together?

    #19793 Report

    IRMoore
    Participant

    It is just horrible Alan1, I just said to my best friend that I’ve survived a lot in life but this seems insurmountable.

    If anyone wants to talk anyone can DM.

     

     

    #19816 Report

    Jackie985
    Participant

    My husband told me 4 days before xmas that our 11 year marriage was over. We have an 8 year old daughter. He moved out Boxing Day. He states nobody else and that he hasn’t loved me for years but I never saw this coming. I am in complete shock and would almost find it easier if there were someone else. I’m devastated for my daughter as never thought she would be part of a single parent family. How did I not see this coming

    #21119 Report

    Lincsmum
    Participant

    Hi I’m new on here too and feel I can relate to IRMoore’s situation. I have been with my husband for nearly 18 years married 14. It feels like so much of my identity is wrapped up in his as you say. I am scared for the future-I have just turned 40 and thought we would be together forever. He idolised me, made me feel special but everyday life pressures ground us down and we only ever discussed it when it all blew up and I felt like I wanted out and said I didn’t love him. He cheated on me 12 years ago but we got back together and had our daughter and apart from my wobbles, we were ok. However, I convinced myself a couple of weeks ago he might have been seeing someone again. Working late, going into work on days off and wanting to go out in the week to see a friend. He says not but I didn’t immediately believe him and asked him to leave. He went to his parents house who live down the road. He is adamant this is it for us. He says he loves me but can’t fight anymore. He has taken all his stuff and refuses to seek counselling with me saying it’s too late though I would be happy to try. He is being very amicable with everything-money, contact with our daughter but I am so sad about the situation. I can’t accept it’s over I don’t see the joy in anything and I feel constantly like I have this horrible empty void inside me. We slept together once after breaking up but he says that was a mistake-us showing our feeling for each other and it can’t happen again. I just want to run to him whenever I see him but he has made it clear where he stands though he has expressed regret at it coming to this. It is a complex situation. Communication has never been great between us and I feel to an extent we are in it for tat territory. I took my rings off my wedding finger but noticed he still had his on so he took them off the next day. I ask for him to knock and wait to be let in the house so while I’m out he takes all his stuff away which left me heartbroken and in a real mess. I’ve also gone from saying I don’t want to resolve the relationship when in actual fact I do because that is what I think he wants me to say. He is also saying he thinks I don’t want him around because I said I don’t love him. It is a real mess but one I wish could be resolved as it’s a living nightmare.

    #21132 Report

    DadofTwo
    Participant

    Hi Caz8, I am going through exactly the same thing. I have been with my wife for 23 years, married for 15. She told me several weeks ago that she no longer has feelings for me and wants to divorce. I adore her and I’m heartbroken. The thought that she wants to find another man tears me apart. I don’t know how to get through it, I have very few friends and I’m not good at meeting new people. I have 2 kids to support through this as well and I hate to see them so hurt. Anyway, sorry to go on, I just wanted to say you’re not alone, I know the pain that you’re going through.

    #21140 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Can certainly relate to the heartbreak and feeling of having invested so much time and eeffort and emotion into building up a lovely family only to have the rug pulked from under your feet.

    All I can say is that friends and family are invaluable during this time…. In a situation when things just come as a surprise emotions are still very raw and if you still love your partner still it can make things even harder and you forget to look after yourself.

    Sometimes letting people on the outside who know you best give a perspective you need.  Your kids come first but you must come second…not last as is often the case.  Your ex regardless of how you feel for them right now will look after themselves or find people who will, and their support certainly wont have your back as they will be focused on your ex.  You need to build your own support network regardless and you need to above all look after your health.  It may feel like the world has ended but things like sleep and eating properly are not things you can forget about… Building up a routine…and redefining yourself is good as it provides a positive form if distraction.  You have to keep busy but dont look for escapism… just focus on ways to improve the life and situation you are facing right now…. but do it in small bits….one task at a time.

    Certainly try not to spend too much time slone if you can even if it’s coming to an online forum.  During initial stages of a breakuo the last thing you need is to be alone with your own thoughts cause it just eats you up inside.  You have to see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how faint it is initially… It’s what will keep you going til you’re out of the deep water.  It will take time but you will get there 😊

    #21168 Report

    Mum02
    Participant

    Hi I am a widow so I have lived through different pain, but I have seen my sister go through divorce and the same pain.

    Time does heal and yes you will be riding rollercoasters of emotions. I know it’s hard to think of the positives but you can watch what you want to watch, eat what you want and more importantly find you again. When we are with someone we tend to lose the ability to be us but we get wrapped up with everything else.

    Yes. I know that what I have said seems hard to believe but I have had to hold onto hope for the last 11 years. I hope that the future is full of brightness and joy. I hope it’s for guys too.

    #21171 Report

    Mariamazzy
    Participant

    Hi i ve sent u private message im going through the same as you my hubby left me unexpected it be good to chat hope u get my inbox

    #21183 Report

    Mariamazzy
    Participant

    hi caz i ve private messaged u xx

    #21186 Report

    Libby
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’m a 43 old mum with 2 little ones and I’m finding it hard too. It’s been 4 months now since my ex had to leave the house and despite hoping he would work on the issues as promised, he hasn’t. He doesn’t want to see his children and won’t communicate with me either unless he sends angry messages. I am struggling. I think about it all of the time – trying to understand, thinking what could be done, how to sort out the mess but really there is nothing that can be done. I know I have to concentrate on me, the kids, look forward etc just as friends and family tell me. But it’s so hard. I don’t want to be on my own!

    I work full time and I just have to get up and try to not think about it (but fail!)and try to fill the weekends.

    I am also in Essex and it would be lovely to meet people. Also happy to drive a bit further a field.

    X

    #21200 Report

    JanesEel
    Participant

    Hi IRMoore,

    I have only just joined (minutes ago 😁) and have been reading through so posts. I have been through, and come out the other side thankfully, what a lot of people on here are experiencing.

    I was pregnant for the first time, felt overweight, hideous, emotional etc but thought I was working out my relationship after a short break. My son was 3 months old and we were house hunting when I found out that his dad actually had an 18yr old girlfriend (he was 37, I was 27) and my world shattered. He was the love of my life.

    That was 14 years ago.

    Looking back I was so broken, fragile, erratic, amazingly angry and internally wounded. I took the tablets every day, I breathed in and out, functioned on a minimum level but always put my son first. I just forgot about me. I was lost as I put so much into him and I had no idea who I was any more. Until someone gave me the advice that still stays with me to this day. They told me;

    “This is it, this is how it is. Jane you can lie down and stay there or you can fight to find out who the eff you are. It’s your choice now what happens from here.”

    I know that sounds really tough and believe me I did not like it one bit at the time. But looking back she was right. She also told me to find one bit of joy, or something I was proud of, each day. To look for it. At first it was just the fact that I could muster the energy to do the dishes before bed, or that I had forced some food down me when I didn’t want it. And slowly, over time, it just hurt less. It’s a tough horrible painful road but for me, I broke but then chose to accept it and rebuild me for my son’s sake at least.

    It still burns me when I reflect back to that time but I can move on and channel my thoughts elsewhere. Especially as he ended up marrying her and they’re still together now! Things aren’t always great, we will argue horribly at times, but we all parent together. If you had told me that 14 years ago I would have scratched your eyes out!

    I have a good job, half decent little house, little car and an amazing son (albeit he is a bit ‘teen’ at the moment) and I did it. I tried dating but chose to stay single in the end, I would rather have a cup of tea and a biscuit, such a drama lol. So yes, the nights still are a bit lonely if my son is in bed or he is at his dad’s.

    I suppose my point of this share is to possibly give some hope that it won’t always feel this bad, we do find a way out somehow, it’s not blooming easy by any stretch of the imagination but just a little something each day, a small step in the right direction, helps. Oh and don’t be hard on yourself if you fall off, it’s going to happen a lot, just start over.

    #21212 Report

    IRMoore
    Participant

    Hi everyone

    Apologies that I’ve been quiet… I was trying to finish university stuff and generally live life and this weekend was my sons 2nd birthday.

    Since my last forum post I have calmed down a bit, I still have massive downs but I am coping. The Dr put me on medication but the best thing I did was start seeing a counsellor who helped me process it all.

    My ex is still living at home in the spare room until I graduate and I just spend my evenings after our son has gone to bed in my bedroom and we just maintain a business like communication when he is awake and avoid eachother other times. When he moves out in a few months time I am sure I will go down again but will try and keep fighting.

    I have decided to concentrate on my son and myself for now. I am joining a gym and seeing my friends/family when I can and they have been very supportive.

    For those who are going through the earliest stages I would say go see a medical professional if you are really struggling, the doctor was incredibly understanding and if you can see a talking therapy of some type.

    The best pieces of advice I have had came from a friend and my therapist.

    The therapist said to live for the next day only, stop letting your mind runaway to the future… Just concentrate on the next 24 hours.

    My friend said (after listening to me rant and talk in circles for hours) that I needed to stop trying to rationalise the irrational. What he has done to our little family (in my eyes) is irrational and therefore no matter how much I rant/cry/discuss it I will never truly understand.

    Thank you Janeseel your post was incredibly inspiring and uplifting 🙂 x

    #21218 Report

    JanesEel
    Participant

    Evening IRMoore,

    Thank you and I am glad it was of some help, even just a little.

    It sounds like you are making all the right moves and taking control again. I like the sound of your friend 👍. That’s very sound advice and it helped me to accept that I would never understand. It kind of became a mantra if you like to stop the whirling brain moments.

    You are going to have your moments. First it’s the odd moments of joy, a smile and maybe even a laugh in a numb feeling day. Then, over time, somehow it switches round. The ‘odd moments’ become those small sad reflection times that will, as they do quite naturally, creep into our new happy days. That happens, I accept this too and move through it.

    In a way we are all kind of repairing ourselves to exist again beyond what was. I hope I can maybe provide some support in a way having repaired myself some of the way.

    I have been inspired by people on here today too. I finally signed up for a beginner’s machine sewing course. I like a bit of craftwork and thought hey, take your own advice Jane ha ha!

    If you need to talk or any support I am here.

    #21226 Report

    Ktlou
    Participant

    Hi Caz8,

    Your story resonates with me so much.

    My husband told me 4 days ago that he wanted to seperate. I am utterly devastated. I am so glad i have found this site as it feels safe to share thoughts and feelings!

    He has moved into temporary accommodation but there is a chance he will need to stay here when that ends. This fills me with dread – as i want him but i don’t!

    I too feel lost and one minute i feel like i am strong and then the next i end up in tears. Its so hard to remain positive but we have an 8 year old son who needs my love and attention.

    I am struggling to sleep, i lie awake worrying about him, myself, debts, my son, then i envisage him moving on with someone else – so much keeps me awake!

    We both want to be as amicable as possible but i want to hate him so much for the way hes making us feel.

    xx

    #21231 Report

    Charlene88
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I just joined this website. I understand how everyone is feeling and I am going through the same things myself. 2 weeks before Christmas 2018 I noticed my husband was being cold towards me. I asked him why and he said he wasn’t. I kept asking why he was being like it as it was obvious as when I went to hug him on the sofa he was just let there looking at tv not hugging me back. It hurt. I eventually called his bluff and said you don’t love me anymore do you? And he said no I don’t. That crushed me and that night i cried in bed for hours. We didn’t really talk about it then for a few days over Christmas as we have a 3 year old daughter. We done Christmas for her. Then he kept saying he wanted to go out on his own for new years eve. I said that’s not fair we should go out together if anything. We couldn’t get a babysitter so went bowling as a family instead and for a meal. Bowling was fine we got on. The meal was awkward as there was an atmosphere and he barely spoke to me. Then later that evening he was doing his own thing and I realised it was real. He didn’t want me anymore. I sobbed my heart out in bed jusy after the fireworks went off at midnight. I needed a hug off my husband as he was always the one to comfort me. So he did hug me, but not like I needed or wanted him to. He slept on the sofa that night. The next day in was trying to talk to him. He got really agitated and told me to go away in front of our daughter. I left and stayed at my dad’s house. I came home the next day.

     

    He then left our house on 2nd January to go to his mothers. He said he needed space and time to think everything over. He went to his mother’s for 6 days. He said I pestered him and would ring and txt him not giving him space but I found it extremely difficult. We got together when he was 16 and i was 17. That was 12/13 years ago. The longest time apart was a week during that time. we have only been married since October 2016 just over 2 years. I desperately want to work on our marriage as i see this as the first major hurdle. I asked him to come back to our house for a chat and to decide what we was going to do.

     

    He came over for a chat we told each other what we needed to see improvements on from them and vice versa. I wanted to take it at his pace but thought taking it slowly and spending time together as friends first to find each other again was important. I needed him to be more thoughtful and considerate towards me as he very rarely was. He would come home late as he is a self employed gas engineer. He always told me it was because he was making the most ofnall the work at winter as he was scared how the summer months would be for work. I understood this and accepted it as a must. I lived for the times he was home and the weekends when we done something as a family. He said that he would make more effort for family life and time with me. And help more around the house. He said He needed more sex from me and more exciting sex. We had it on average once a week or once a fortnight. He called it vanilla sex and said he wanted a more exciting sex life. He agreed to come back. Next thing I new was he was asking to bend me over the dining table as it had made him really horney. I said that it was a bad idea and to wait until he had moved back home. But kept asking so I did. I wanted to give him that exciting sex life like I just promised. After we had sex he left as he had already arranged to go play snooker that night. He came home after snooker and was after more sex so we had it. We then had it again in the morning and we had sex about 1/2 a times for 2 weeks or three weeks. The sex was more exciting we done things we never done together before sexually. As I was working at my marriage. He says now that he felt I forced the effort as I never did them things years ago and was angry that we never. I don’t really know why we never. I have never really been a highly sex drives person or into much more than normal sex. But after trying the new things with him I enjoyed them. I felt more closer to him to him than I ever have cos of this. I kept telling him this. I thought he did also. Then as the weeks went passed I noticed he started being distant again towards me.

     

    I asked him why he was being distant and he would shrug it off. I kept asking and he said he was unhappy again. I asked why and he said he didn’t know he needed time to think. He went from doing the most intimate things with me to not looking me in the eye when speaking to me or sitting next to me. I then kept asking him what he wanted to do and that I missed him and his attention. He said that he didn’t love me the same anymore and that I deserved someone that loved their wife like they a wife should be loved. That hurt. He said he didn’t feel the same as me when we hugged or kissed. He didn’t miss me when I wasn’t there. He didn’t enjoy my company anymore and felt bored and awkward around me when we went on date nights. He said we changed over the years as people and grew apart with different interests.

     

    He has a few hobbies like racing a car, etc and I never got too heavily involved going to watch, etc as I was pregnant the first race season and then i had a baby and a race track is no place for a baby. Over time this wore him down and wanted support from his family. When he came back i agreed and said I would make the effort. But all of a sudden he turned around and said he didn’t want me to go with him now. I didn’t even get the chance to go once after getting back together. We went on 2 date nights as he only came back for around 4 weeks.

     

    He left again on the 13th february and hasn’t been back since. It killed me as 24 hours before he left he was giving me attention he wanted to have sex with me. Then 24 hours later he could sit next to me or look at me. He would act different around me it hurt terribly.

     

    Alot has happened in the week since he left. I have had a look to see if he has been messaging other women behind my back and I have found he has added single women to Facebook and liked seductive pics of them. He was almost going to cheat on me 8 years ago, he created a casual sex profile for a f*ckbuddy and was going to meet someone for sex. I found out before it happend and he said he realised what he had done and didn’t want to loose me. We went on to buy our own house, have a baby and got married. He said all those things was forced by me as he was happy to take it slower. But he made those decisions the same time as me. I thought he might have been seeking sex again like before looked at his hotmail account and I seen similar emails and accused him of it. He says they are just spam emails and they are slightly different to before.

     

    He has said alot of hurtful things over the last week and so have I. Our friends told me that he told them when we was making another go of it that he could f**k me in all my holes and have me when he wanted me, etc. That hurt to hear and caused another argument. He said he was respectfully confiding in a friend when he said those things but they didn’t take it that way and told me he was saying these things about me.

    6 days after leaving he has threatened me with a divorce so may times. He is adamant he wants to leave and says he is doing me a favour as the last few weeks of sex and making a go of it has made him realise he can’t help the way he feels and he said he doesn’t feel any chemistry or love towards me it is more friends. And after me having a go at him for the things he said and the passed he said it made him even more wanting a divorce.

     

    We have agreed to separate and live separately and work together for a our little girl for a few weeks, let the dust settle and then talk about finances, etc.

     

    Sorry for the long post but I’m really struggling with this rollercoaster. He said that he has been feeling like this for months and the feelings only ever got stronger of seeing me as a friend only. I have felt suicidal and he has over the last week. I want to still make it work and have marriage counselling but he said the damage is done and he can’t love me like he should love a wife anymore. I blame myself for not going racing and giving him the sex he wanted over the years. I blame myself for suffering with depression and being distant but he was never that supportive of my depression for long which made things worse. We our daughter was born we struggled to have time together through lacknof babysitters, etc and we both feel this drove a big wedge between us.

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