Really struggling and do not know what to do.

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  • #20282 Report


    I am 30 with a 1 year old. I am not sure when I hold my hands up and pass my child to a family member and walk alway. I am boardline giving up.


    So… (story time) I lived in a city for 4 years approx 12 miles from my home town. I met my daughters dad there and found myself in an abusive relationship, emotionally and physically. I ended the relationship for the 100th time and a month later discovered I was pregnant. I lived in an apartment share. I got told by my landlady she needed me to move out, as she was going to rent my room to people from overseas. So I ended up pregnant and in emergency accommodation. My daughters father had been absent for the majority of my pregnancy, was at this time being treated himself in a mental health hospital after the passing of his mother. I continued to work full time and pay the rent for my emergency accommodation. Which was extremely unpleasant and I spent some nights being kept awake by screaming neighbours for hours, then going to work exhausted.

    I eventually decided to get a deposit loan from the council and rent privately back in my home town. The idea of being closer to friends and family with a newborn was ideal. As soon as my maternity leave started, I moved. I didn’t have anything, not even a bed or fridge. My daughters father was discharged and was with me everyday till she was born. He left me 3 times in hospital on my own whilst in labour, drove my car and got me a parking ticket at the hospital which I had to pay for. As he didn’t work. (Just giving you an idea of how useless he was)

    I received maternity pay, housing benefits and working tax credits. I was financially comfortable and able to buy my daughter things she needed. During this time I had more arguments with my daughters father and eventually cut ties with him. I started attending the freedom programme and also, still, go to see a counsellor once a week. After maternity leave I could not return to my job full time due to lack of childcare. The company could not offer my a part time position.

    Now the trouble begins… I switched to universal credits. Within months I was informed I owed Housing benefits and Tax credits money. Totalling about £2000. U.C does not cover my rent and bills. Leaving me short. I acted immediately and got myself a local weekend job. At my new job they started me working just one day a week to eventually go up to two days. About a month into my new job, on one day a week, I was already struggling for childcare. I was hugely let down by friends and family who had said they would help (that was one of the reasons I moved back to my home town for support. But it became clear there was no support) I informed my workplace that I could not possibly work two days. One day a week was a tight squeeze for me. My employer then told me that I cannot keep my job if I could not do two days. I have discovered since working that it is not massively finically better for me. So I am about to loose my job  and live solely off Universal Credits. Which still leaves me short each month on bills and rent. My rent is extremely high. I do not have a deposit to move and I have not made any payments back from my loaned deposit.


    I have spoken to citizens advice. They basically told me to fall behind on my rent payments and get evicted 🙄 I was shocked that, that was thier soltiuon for me. I have thought about moving to another side of the UK where rent is cheaper. I have thought about renting a 1 bedroom in this town. I have thought about contacting the council in the city I used to live in to go back into emergency accommodation with my child. As I have been let down by the lack of support in this town and I am very sure I do not wish to continue to live here. I would like to be back in the city and raise my child there. I have thought about doing a flat share in the city, with my child. I have thought about attending university and living on campus with my child. I have thought about renting out my daughters bedroom. I have asked my letting agents to rent my garage to help pay my rent.


    I am now struggling emotionally so much. I spend most my mornings looking online at properties and googling everything to try and find a solution. It is getting to me now slowly and surely. I feel like I need to give my daughter to a friend and just lay in bed and not move for weeks. I have thought about running away without my child. I do not know how the heck I’m going to survive. I don’t want to get up and dressed. I don’t want to clean the house. I am sat researching so much, I’m not interacting with my daughter. How long does this go on for? I have spoken to all my friends and family and no one has an answer for me. I am in a surreal place in my life and cry each week to my counsellor about my situation. I feel like everything is about to get so much worse before they can get better.

    Can anyone help?

    #20286 Report


    Hi Miss T

    Well what a lot of rubbish you are having to go through.  Would say shit, but not sure I am allowed to on here 🙂

    Anyway. Firstly, give yourself a pat on the back for doing what you have done so far on your own.  It proves you are a strong person and have the capacity to make your own way in life.  At some point though, things can get us down.  I have been there, believe me.

    I too am suprised about the advice from CAB, surely that would not help our credit rating in the future etc.

    Your daughter is lucky to have you and you her.  There is no running away or hiding, it will just make things worse and its not what you want to do anyway.

    I take it, you cant get financial support from your parents either.  UC seems to make a lot of people, struggling already, worse off.  Obviously there are still a lot of areas not covered by UC yet which maybe something worth considering while you get on your feet.  Use the old system while you can.

    Its funny, becuase you hear on the TV about so many lazy people who live off the state, with multiple children etc, yet you cant seem to find help for just you and the little one.

    Did the CAB not give you any other advice?


    #20295 Report


    Miss T, are you in a 2 bed flat? Can you downgrade to a one bed flat, reducing your outgoings?

    going to uni & “living on campus” won’t work. Most uni accommodation is expensive and student debt is terrifying.

    moving to something smaller in your town would help make ends meet until your daughter qualifies for her free nursery care, at which point you can get a job at least 2 days a week and things should get better.

    I did a year in a 1 bed flat with my ds and while not ideal it’s doable. Cut everything else back, get rid of broadband, any phone contract, anything that isn’t absolutely necessary, home cook everything & buy secondhand stuff for just long enough to get yourself stable, then things will get better.

    It’s not much fun but just focus on your daughter and hang on in there until you can claim childcare. Good luck.

    #20296 Report

    Hi Miss T

    I’m sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.  I will be sending you an email with some signposting options.  Please continue to use the forum as the parents on here have some really sound experiences and advice.


    #20499 Report


    Thank you very much for your help and words of kindness. I think what Kathy is saying about cutting everything right back just for the next year maybe an option I need to explore. Thank you.

    I’ve been sat here calculating what part of the country I could up and move to, to save me and my daughter from becoming homeless. A 1 bedroom in the town I am in, costs £650pcm. I maybe able to make that work. THEN in the future concider moving to a town/city I am happier in and education once I am financially stable.

    Thank you Mozza for your supportive and encouraging words.

    #20501 Report


    Hey don’t worry about it, we are all here to help. Where I live in Cheshire you would get a three bed house for that amount of money.

    I agree that a fresh start somewhere is a good idea. Somewhere costs are less, life is less stressful and options are more.


    #20505 Report


    here, in this part of wales a 3 bed house is on average £550 and in some areas they are a lot cheaper here. I hope your problem resolves soon and I wish you the best of luck .x


    #21181 Report


    £550 for a 3 bed! I need to move out of London!

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