Putting my son up for adoption

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  • This topic has 27 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 4 weeks ago by Eliza.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)
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  • #57312 Report

    Eliza
    Participant

    I’ve been raising my son (now 18 months old) by myself since the very beginning and it’s been extremely challenging and has affected me mentally, physically and emotionally so much so that I spiralled into a deep depression last year and spent the first year of motherhood extremely suicidal and attempted to end my life on several occasions as I just couldn’t cope doing it alone and my sons dad was very inconsistent and selfish with his support.

    Fast forward to this year, I’ve generally been in a better head space, trying to focus more on my mental health and get my life and career back on track but recently I’ve been falling back into my previous depressive state. I realised that I don’t so much want to end my life, I just need more support with my son (maybe more than the average but I’m not sure). It may be my highly sensitive personality trait or because I’m also an introvert so a lot of things that come from raising a child really get to me (my son is super clingy and cries, shouts and physically attacks me when he doesn’t get his way) and I prefer silence and need ample time alone to function adequately. I just graduated after 6 long years on and off when I found out I was pregnant so not being able to work on my career when it was just beginning has really affected me and not knowing when I can even go back into work because I can’t afford childcare and the money my sons dad gives me isn’t much (apparently he can’t afford to give me more although he does have another child).

     

    I know that my low moods tend to get triggered when I feel stagnant and bored from the monotony of looking after a child day in and day out and not having much freedom or time to do my own thing and work on something that is actually challenging and fulfilling but there’s literally nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried taking my son out more to different paces to switch things up but honestly it’s usually more effort than I can handle due to his constant tantrums and unpredictable behaviour- I just don’t have the energy for them anymore. I can’t always afford to take him out a whole lot anyway but mostly I just can’t be bothered because it gets so boring and I don’t have any mum friends either (I’ve tried but the meet ups always seem to fall through last minute and I just can’t be bothered anymore – I’m not going to beg for friends). My friends with no kids  don’t really understand and they’re always too busy to meet up these days – they’re lives are just moving forward and I’m just stuck here which makes me resent them slightly sometimes.

    Basically, I’ve been thinking a lot about giving my son up for adoption because I can’t keep going on this way. I really love my son to death and I know it would kill me but I just don’t think I can be the best parent to him right now in my current situation. Almost every day I just leave hi in front of the tv, most days I hardly cook so I just give him bread and snacks all day and I’m always shouting at him when he won’t leave me alone or when he becomes violent or I leave him in his cot for hours if I just want a break. I just don’t think this is good for him but it’s all my capacity will allow for these days. I have no one else to provide me with consistent support (my mum helps out once a week but it’s honestly not enough and I still have to provide dinner and bathe him on these days so doesn’t feel like a proper break). I wish I could afford childcare a few days a week because maybe that would help although it’s a shame they don’t provide overnight care because I’ve been dying for a proper rest.

    I don’t know whether to just carry on this way and just be miserable and not giving my son the proper attention he needs or if I should just put him with another family that can provide better care for him.

    #57331 Report

    Olenka
    Participant

    Hey Eliza don’t give up on your son . It is hard to raise them on your own ( my son is 3 and my ex partner left a year ago) I dont have any family in London and all my family lives in Poland. It will get better once they are a bit older. Once your son is 2 you can get 15 hrs free childcare if you are not working so that can help you a bit. If you want to meet I am free and we can chat about it .

    #57355 Report

    Me40
    Participant

    Hi. Where do you live? Perhaps I could offer some support?

    #57357 Report

    Ccg17
    Participant

    Hey Eliza

     

    you can do this, you have made it this far, have you tried speaking to your local authority for support? it does not mean you are are bad person/mum it just means you need help.

    #57359 Report

    Lucia Helena
    Participant

    Hi, would you like someone to talk to? I’m new to this site. I know it can be difficult, but you can do this! I will pray for you.

    #57362 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    have you applied for universal credit? they have some policy where you can claim extra money for childcare support.

    #57366 Report

    Tiffany
    Participant

    Hi I no how you feel I had this with my eldest who is 5 now but it was supper challenging with  him too I’m a single mum of two boys and my eldest us to kick off and have a lot of tantrums  he still has them now but it has gotten better now he is understanding things I no its tough but I always noticed that looking at those moments made me feel worse but when you look at the good things like learning to walk crawl and talk it lifts you up because . I think of it as learnt behaviour . I don’t have many mum friends either I have tried different apps but feel like I have never fit in when out at groups because  it alway felt like they don’t understand so don’t worry just stick it out it is rewarding you just got to look for it . If you ever need to talk I’m here and we’re bouts do you live as if we live near each other might be good to meet up or something

     

    #57368 Report

    Beeb
    Participant

    Have you tried speaking to the helpline on here? They may be able to signpost you to appropriate support.  There is also MIND helpline which may be useful.   You could also speak to your GP.  Single parenting is incredibly hard at the best of times, but coping with a limited support network and depression would be incredibly tough. The fact that you are still trying to put your son’s needs first shows that with the right support behind you, you will be able to get through this.

    #57377 Report

    Hi Eliza

    I’m one of the moderators and I have read through your message.  I’m glad you have posted and I hope that you feel supported by the comments of the other single parents here.  I will be sending you through some signposting options so please do keep an eye out for a private message from me.

    Best wishes, Justine

    #57386 Report

    Emumma
    Participant

    Hi Eliza,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time 🙁

    It’s really brave to ask for help…..so well done for reaching out 💓

    I’ve had a real shock being a lone parent (and believe me I really had rose-tinted glasses on beforehand!!)

    I used to be a health visitor and I know that although every area is different, there should be support available both from health visiting teams, children’s centre services and agencies such as Baranardos. I can imagine it’s really been really difficult to access things like this over the past 18 months, but please know that these services are available to you. The extent of which varies from area to area, but there will be something 💓 You can find out who your local team is from your local GP surgery (or they may have put details in your child’s red book. You can have access to a health visitor until your child goes to primary school.

    I’m not a health visitor any more, but if you would like me to do some information-finding for you, I’m really happy to help 😊You don’t have to give me any personal details – I can just send you what I find in your area.  I’d be really glad to help you out 😊

    Feel free to message me if that sounds good.

    Best wishes 🤗

    Emma

    #57390 Report

    Singlemumoftwogirls
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Really feel for you.

    Where are you based? Maybe we could help? Perhaps we could have him to give you a break, think things through and explore other options. Know how you feel, it can be overwhelming. Would love to offer you help. My girls love having another child to play with, especially boys.

    Xx

    #57466 Report

    Mmmm
    Participant

    I’m feel same. Still.numb after cesarean  and zero help.

     

    #57470 Report

    Woody2sky
    Participant

    Hi!

    Everything changes when you are about to become a mother..your body..your life style..Everything! You become a mother!

    I have included my little one in most of my activities and slowly it became so fun and joyful. She is now 3 years old..

    We cook together not always as a dream..but she feels she’s been given attention and it can be fun…we make mess together and clean together or sometimes just push the toys away with my foot to cross the house and clean next day..

    Want shower..we have together..fun ..slowly she will shower alone..and so do I.

    I feel lazy, I ask her to do make up for me and for her..like that she is busy..we do something together but I am not really doing that much.

    I want to clean ..to put some washing I ask for help..I give her clothes I tell her to do it..I show her..

    I play music loud and dance with her..even got a microphone and have serious parties with her. We both sounds like wolfs but takes out every scream inside of me. I bake on Sundays for us..for pleasure..to disconnect and always give my neighbours cupcakes and little treats for the kindness they show to never ask to be quite ..to not mention about the running and jumping.

     

    I didn’t have any support..no friends or family around. Bad thoughts and crying but in the end she is a little soul that loves me unconditional and that love made me stronger!

    As soon as you relax he will settle.

    You 2 are a team..and what a team?! Perfect one.

     

    #57490 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    You need to speak to your gp about your mental health and quickly if things are spiriling for you. It can be Completly normal for things to feel out of our control when we have a little one and when we are doing things alone even more difficult. Motherhood is not just about the little one. It’s about you. If you get support you can make that partnership with your son better.

    Also speak to your health visitor. Motherhood is hard. You need support. When my little girl was younger my ex husband was working 12 hour shifts. Then went onto 8 til 6s 6 days a week so I was home alone a lot. And that was not in the middle on a pandemic so there was lots of places I would and could go.

    Now the world’s opening up, look for groups. These where my saving grace. I have ptsd and a lot of the issues I had, a lot of others had aswell. There’s usually a reason for the screaming and tempers from little ones. Sometimes we just don’t know what it is. There still new and fresh to the world. And the world to us just doesn’t make sense in the slightest at times, so sometimes it must be hard for them too.

    Make time for you. Schedule it into your day. Try and make your day a routine. Your bath of an evening should be when little one is asleep, not a 5 minutes battle while they are in the cot awake and your listening for them.

    Theres always a way forward darling. It’s hard, but I’m sure you will find it.

    #57495 Report

    Gemz83
    Participant

    Hi Eliza

    I had my first child at 16 he was born early had a few problems and I choose to have him adopted I thought it was for the best but regretted it ever since especially after I had more children

    please visit your dr you may have Post natal depression ive been there it’s hard

    please talk ask for help ask if you mum could help a bit more while your feeling like this

    I now have a adult daughter 3 teenage daughters and a 11 year old so believe me you can do it I did

    wish u the best if u would like to chat I’m here

    gemma

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