Pregnant ex due sometime (less than 2 weeks) not communicating, what to do?

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  • #61641 Report

    Dedicated father
    Participant

    Hi

    my ex ended our relationship via texts after 4 months back in May due to not be compatible which I still find confusing and it was intense to a point that I even met her brothers in laws. Also when her parents found out she pregnant after sometime going for meals and meeting, her dad said to me welcome to the family! Prior to the breakup I went to the first and only scan. Anyway she has kept me informed throughout the pregnancy via texts and I know she will be having a c section. She told me up till the 20 week scan and when I texted her that I am over the breakup but would like to attend the 28 week scan and that we need to work on communication as everything has been over text and that we need to discuss and plan things (the baby). She texted back saying that she is glad I want to build a relationship with our child and are accepting of her decision. However felt uncomfortable me being at 28w scan but perhaps could meet with a third party and talk about how manage communication etc at each stage.

    I was gutted I couldn’t go to the 28 week scan. I also felt that the third party could of been a friend of hers or family which I thought was bias so I suggested Mediation and that’s when communication breakdown happened. I didn’t get a reply after a week so I sent another text saying, any thoughts from what I previously texted. Again no reply, so sent another text after another week mentioning that I want to be a good dad and very excited and need to plan things. Again no reply.  I went into the reasons of the importance of communicating and for the benefit of our child etc. Again no reply! So I felt had no choice but to call her parents and ask why she is not communicating with me but also mention at the same time, I’m excited and want to be a dedicated father as I don’t know what she has been telling them. Her dad said he honestly does not know why but will tell her I called. So thinking he told her I called I thought I’d get a reply…nope! So after a week from speaking to her parents I tried calling her once and no answer, I then sent a long text saying the reasons why we need to communicate etc. The next day I get a text from her.

    Further to my recent call and messages please can I stop contacting her and her parents. She made it clear back in April when we separated that she doesn’t want to see me and there is nothing further to discuss. ( no she didn’t make that clear and it was about our relationship at the time and not about our child, also it was in May not that it matters)

    she is 43 years old and lives in one of her parents properties that they own over here in Jersey(parents wealthy)

    so I haven’t contacted her. However i have been getting baby stuff and was gifted some new things which I can’t use(only the mother) so I went round to her parents at 19:30 (this was about 7 weeks after her text to no communicate). Her mum at the door and I said sorry to come round unannounced how are you, her mum said I’m having my dinner. So I repeated what I said and she said we a good thanks. That’s when I mentioned I’m getting baby stuff and got some stuff which I can’t use and if her daughter wanted any of it. No she has everything she needs and we are good thanks was her mums reply.

    so baby due roughly 4 weeks time, I don’t know exact due date but know the week baby due,  as she sent me 20 week scan pic and is having c section which is done at 39 weeks. At this point I had no option but to get lawyer involved and my lawyer sent a considerate/kind letter as taking into account she is heavily pregnant. That I have tried to communicate with her and now have concerns if my name will be on the birth certificate, that I am going above a beyond as a dedicated  father to be, in that I put myself forward in doing a local course about how to look after/feed baby etc through the local midwifes which is offered to both parents at 28 weeks. Also another course called putting children first, to prepare for co parenting which is through a local charity about separated parents. That I know the baby is due sometime week  25th Oct. 1 To inform me of the exact due date. 2 To involve me choosing the names of the baby. 3 That she will not register the baby birth without naming me as father. 4 That she will attend mediation in the spirit of co parenting.

    so she instructed a lawyer where, here lawyer said that she is high risk and the letter has given her high blood pressure and has asked to ask me how I know the due week and what legal proceedings  we will take numbered 1-4. We Replied saying it was very simply how I found out due week due to her sending me scan image and she is having a c section which usually takes place at 39 weeks. That I will put in court orders in place regards to 2-3.

    We haven’t had a response but the following week I got call from the police! She reported me for harassment which did not turn out to be (she showed them my text msg’s and mentioned I went to her parents place with baby stuff). The police only just wanted to give me advice , to not contact her or her parents and to keep it only through the lawyers. I was shocked!

    My lawyer wrote to her lawyer saying I have become deeply distressed etc. That my lack of knowledge of the unborn baby is effecting my wellbeing. That I am leaning to bring matters to the court, most likely after the baby is born (I don’t want to put a dark cloud over the birth) which I estimate being towards the end of October and that I see this as last resort. That she has refused mediation, as I called them up and gave them her contact number a few weeks back. They recently told me she doesn’t want to attend mediation.

    so after all what I have mentioned, do you feel I am doing the right thing, in that I am applying for court orders straight after the estimated birth week? Originally  I was going to do it before the due week but felt it would put a dark cloud over the birth and that it is unusual to apply before baby is born. Then again I have valid reasons/concerns for applying and that my situation is unusual, due suddenly not communicating with me and shockingly then she reported me for harassment. Do you think the courts will except my application even though I don’t know the exact due date but is roughly that week and also I don’t know the name of the child which the court order application asks as I have looked at the application. Do you think it is best, I will have to wait till the baby is registered which is 21 days after baby born to find out if my name is in the b certificate and if not, then apply to have my name on it and also apply another court order in having a say in forenames and surnames on the b certificate?

    I really appreciate your time and comments, so thanks in advance.

    #61642 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hello DF,

    what you are going through must be very distressing. I can feel your pain and helplessness. Unfortunately there is not much you can do but wait. Keep on following your solicitors advice and see what happens. It all looks a bit like a plot for a very bad film. Have you ever thought about the possibility she was never so much interested in you as a partner but was looking for a sperm donor? Given her age and the fact, she ended contact right after knowing she was on the way to have a child.

    What is happening to you is very wrong, and she should at least give you the opportunity to play a role in your child’s life. However, there is a chance you have been played with and the fact that you have feelings and will be hurt was never part of her considerations.

     

    #61644 Report

    Dedicated father
    Participant

    Hi Sirtobi

    Thank you for your input. Yes I am aware that I may have been used as a sperm donor which is possible. However just to make you aware that when we were together (for 4 months) before even knowing we were having a child she introduced me to her whole family. Even her brother’s in laws. Also, once the parents knew she was pregnant I was spending a lot of time with all of them. Going out to meals with the family, going round for Sunday lunch’s etc. Even a point when we were together before knowing of the pregnancy, she told me horrible things that had happened to her which effected her mental health a few years back (where she was front page of the local paper). Her family are not aware of what exactly happened to her but at the time said to me she is ok. So it wasn’t like we just had a little thing going on and then got pregnant. It was deep and intense.

    It is all very strange, even the sudden break up which is not clear, in that she said we are not compatible. To the sudden stop of communication even though prior she kept me informed throughout the majority of the pregnancy and was civil. To then shockingly reported me for harassment which nothing came of it, as all I wanted was to talk. I guess that was possibly due to me instructing a solicitor.

    Strange as it is, saying all that. There are some people who would possibly have a plan and possibly I have been played.  I guess I will just have to follow my solicitors advice like you said and now it is a waiting game.  Which is horrible as it is not just myself as the father to be but my family too, especially my niece who is looking forward to meeting her cousin.

    #61646 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    I know how you feel and I been through the same situation more or less. What I did was I sat a mediation appointment alone on the day my daughter was born. ex showed no interest in communicating about anything and mental health related weird behaviour. What  I would suggest is don’t throw your money away on solicitors. it’s in their interest to keep this going as long as possible, so they make lot of money out of you. I suggest to stop contacting your ex and her family as police advised, and quietly take the legal route. feel free to message me if you need tips.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by steve3334.
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