Pregnant and separated, ex wants babies to have his surname.
16 February 2021 at 7:52 pm #49537
so I’m 4 months pregnant with twins and have split with my partner, he is very abusive. As I will be raising these babies alone, I want them to have the same surname as me, he has gone totally mad about this and said he will instruct his solicitor and take me to court. Can I choose not to put him on birth certificate and can I choose to give the babies my name? What rights do I have?
Also he has 3 children from a previous relationship, his ex wife still carries his surname, why should she have the same surname as my children and I don’t? I feel this is completely unfair.16 February 2021 at 8:37 pm #49538
congratulations on your pregnancy. I was engaged to my partner when I had my little girl and I made the mistake of giving my daughter his surname. He walked out on us when she was 6 months old and we’ve seen nothing of him since. I am now desperately trying to look into changing her surname so she has mine but it will involve court and is not straight forward. If things are not amicable, from my own experience I would definitely try give them your surname. Best of luck16 February 2021 at 8:39 pm #49539
You can register the children with your surname and him present at registration and he will be added to the birth certificate. This is probably the best option if he’s so keen to be in the birth certificate and if he will play an active role in the children’s lives. having your name will help with any issues in the future, like going abroad.
or (an unpopular option, but one I wish I’d chosen with hindsight ) register the child alone, he wouldn’t be added to the birth certificate and would then have to apply to be added, which he has every right to do….. but I don’t think he can then change the child’s surname.
this 2nd option I would only choose if you know he won’t step up and he will decide to have no contact or support his children financially. This is because he will have parental rights and as I am now finding out (my child dad is on the birth certificate and has his surname) this can prevent you from going abroad under the 1984 child abduction act. I will have to seek permission or apply to the court, even though he hasn’t had any contact in 2 years and doesn’t intend to.
I think if they had your surname it would make life so much easier for you
hope this helps a little16 February 2021 at 8:46 pm #49540
thanks for you replies, can I register the birth without him knowing? I don’t really want him on the birth certificate as he has a holiday home abroad and I know he will constantly want to take the babies abroad with him whenever he can but I don’t want him to take them abroad because he is a aggressive drunk and wouldn’t care for the babies well enough. If I register without him knowing and put down my surname, does he have rights to change that?16 February 2021 at 9:14 pm #49541
I’d put your surname in the birth certificate wether he’s present or not. He will need your permission to take them out of the country or apply to the court to do so.
the .gov website explains it all…..
The mother can choose to register the birth without the child’s father if they’re not married or in a civil partnership. The father’s details will not be included on the birth certificate.17 February 2021 at 2:51 am #49542
I have been through that road .
I did not put him on BC and registered him under my surname. Almost two years later he applied to court. We had to write statement each to say why we won’t/want change of surname. Sadly he won. Also he has been granted his parental responsibility which allowed him to add himself as father. In regards of taking children abroad, without your consent he can’t and he has to apply to court. In all proceedings Cafcass will be involved and you will have chance to tell all your concerns.
Happy mother happy babies x17 February 2021 at 9:26 am #49548
I recently went to court to change my daughters surname it cost me £215 and a five minute phone hearing. My daughter had her dad’s surname on the birth certificate but he hasn’t seen her since she was five, she’s 16 this year. I just filled in the form online and as we don’t know her dad’s address he couldn’t be informed but the judge agreed to waive his rights anyway due to the circumstances and granted an immediate name change.18 February 2021 at 10:03 pm #49686
Similar situation where the father of my 3 month old son doesn’t live with us, he recently said that he doesn’t want to see our son because he doesn’t want to pretend and leave half way through. Only dilemma I’m in now is that my son has his surname and I am kicking myself for allowing him to pressurise me into doing that.
I have asked him for permission to change my sons surname to mine and he is not playing ball, is there any other way round it?23 February 2021 at 12:18 am #49995
Your best bet, assuming you’re not married to the child’s father, would be to register the birth on your own, put the baby into your name & not include the father on the birth certificate. You can register without telling him. If you think he might cause a problem or try to find out when your appointment is, warn the register office when you make your appointment. They’ll be on your side. An unmarried mother always has the choice whether to include the father on the birth certificate. It’s purely your decision.
The father could be added at a later date if you wanted, & the name could be changed at that point, but only if you agreed. Otherwise if he wants parental responsibility he would have to apply to the court.
With regards to the last question from the lady whose child has the fathers name, unfortunately you can’t change it to yours on the birth certificate. You can only change it by deed-poll, & only then with the father’s consent. You could apply to the court but you’d have to have a compelling reason why you no longer wish the child to have the father’s name & I’m not sure how the court would view it in the face of the father’s objections & his involvement with the child up to now. It’s a different situation from the lady whose ex never had any involvement in the child’s upbringing & whereabouts unknown. See how it goes – if he truly doesn’t want to be a part of your little one’s life any more, he may give in & consent if you can persuade him it’s in the child’s best interests to have the same surname as you. Would he agree to a double-barrelled surname perhaps, incorporating both your names? Alternatively- & thinking out of the box here – you could always change your name by deed-poll to match your child’s, if it’s having different names which is the problem. I realise that’s probably not your ideal solution, but maybe an easier option. You can always revert back again in the future. Xx23 February 2021 at 12:38 am #49996
Sorry YAZ79, You cant change surname until children are well into their teenage years at earliest unless their dad is agreeable23 February 2021 at 6:48 pm #50106
Father Surname is the question?, if you’re not married and he is not committed to bringing up the children then I understand the reasoning for not having it.. Actually, looking back my ex, who I still have a lot of time for and is one of my best friends today, although at one point there was a lot of bitterness and hate. We had our first child out of wed-lock, we registered the first baby under my surname. We were not married and soon after separated, my ex-changed her surname to mine, although we went our own ways with a lot of bitterness. We came back together four years later and married, had another beautiful girl, but split up again seven years later. <span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span>
Looking back, saddening part was that both of us were jealous of one another for some unknown reason, actually we did not discuss our expectations of each other.. Saddening part today when looking back our split up, the kids were the one that were affected the most, which hurts more today than ever. After reading this, find out what are the expectations of both parties, remember the most important person in this matter is the children – I cannot judge anyone here, as there are two or more sides to a relationship break up. But be open, just from what you are saying, I would be concerned, if he has other children, ask yourself what is the relationship between the father and the other kids. Is there support, is seeing the kids and loving them. Look I have suffered myself as a Child from a separated family, I will say I was a crap dad, but as the ex would say a great stepfather. But it took me a long time to understand my thoughts, feelings and emotions, which I avoided with drink and drugs for a long time – look after the babies interest, of he is committing then use your surname first his second as a double barrel. That way you can drop his if need be, but make sure it is done for the right reasons – good luck and your an inspiration23 February 2021 at 8:59 pm #50119
Please, Please put only your name on the certificate.
if things get better in the future you can always change it. Once his surname is on, you can’t get it off.
everyone’s situation and circumstances are different, I also split from my ex before our son was born, he made my life hell, I didn’t realise the power of a surname. It’s frightening, speak to register office.
But honestly, your name only.
Take care x