Pregnant and father has said he doesn't want to be in the baby's life.

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Ramblinjon 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #22496 Report

    lrhwll22
    Participant

    Hey, so basically I am struggling a little.

    Back in June, I lost my ex partner. We were together for 12 years, yet I still classed him as my partner, even though we had been split up over a year before he died. It hit me very hard, he was the father to my 13 year old daughter and I really found it hard to do anything.

    I moved into a shared house because of mental health, it was a place where women could get the necessary help for themtto recover. There, I met a new girl who moved in and we started going on nights out together and basically spent a lot of time with each other. We became good friends and on a night out, I met a lad (I’ll call him ‘X’), and we talked and to be honest, yes, I slept with him that same night in a hotel.

    So, I really had a great time. After all, I’m 31 years old and he’s 21 so I felt great and just amazing having fun with him. We met again and we just drove, all night, around lake vrynwy and lake Bala and we looked at the stars and talked all night, getting to know each other. We started meeting regularly, and we carried on having sex, it was unprotected because I had the coil fitted so we were protected. (Obviously not against Sti’s though but I was just lucky that I didn’t get anything.) So anyway, coil fitted, no STI’s so I’ll carry on with the story….

    Around the end of October, for some reason he became quite distant, I hardly heard from him and me being quite confused, got very clingy and kept messaging him just to try and get a response. I did act quite desperate but I didn’t know any better and I really liked him and needed a reason why he had become distant.

    Long story short, he got back in touch, usually when he wanted sex, or when it was convenient for him.

    I, of course, just liked to see him and so, I let myself down by carrying on accepting this behaviour.

    He became distant again at another time in November and then came back… I let him. Then Xmas time came and he did it again.

    I by this time had fallen in love with him, because despite his behaviour, when we were together, he actually treated me very nicely, he always took me out to nice places and for meals and held the door for me and kissed me and held my hand etc etc.

    So for 21, he actually seemed very grown up….but still, immature at the same time.

    Anyway at Xmas, I said that I would wish his merry Xmas on Xmas day then I’d leave him be. We weren’t really getting on because his behaviour had made me overbearing and caused me to be quite horrible to him with my words when he continued to treat me like he did. So he said not to bother messaging him at all.

    So. I didn’t. I didn’t message him Xmas day.

    I then had a message on bocibo Day off him saying that he had been thinking about me blah blah blah and we started seeing each other again. But it was different this time, he seemed like hehactually genuinely wanted me 100%. He came to see me all the time. But, he had quit his job, so that’s maybe why he was like this now and that’s maybe why he used to act like he did; because of his job.

    But I don’t know. Anyway, I found out I was pregnant in January, and I messaged him. He came straight away to see me (after some not very calm messages saying stuff like “this cannot be happening, nooooooooo, I can’t believe this…”) and we spoke.

    We sort of decided to have an abortion, I was genuinely thinking this was the best idea because of him being so young and us only knowing each other for a few months.

    So I booked and attended all  necessary appointments to attend in this situation, he came with me to them all. We were still having sex and going for meals etc, he literally came to take me out somewhere every single day. He also fecdeci to tell me loved me…..I really fell for him all over again. He was being very supportive while I was going through this.

    Time went on and I started to have mixed feelings about the abortion, I was feeling very different about things and when it came the day to take the tablet (that you are required to take 24 hours before the actual procedure, to open up your cervix) I could not take it and start the process. It was then, that I knew for sure that I was not able to go through with a termination.

    So I messaged him, saying that I couldn’t take the tablet. He said he was coming to pick me up and take me for breakfast so we could talk.

    He came, we went to breakfast and he bought me a bunch of pink roses. We got back in his car and he said “right, now we need to talk”. I told him that I could not take the tablet and he said “well, I want you to take it, I don’t want a baby, I can’t have a baby”. So I said “X, I can’t take the tablet or go through with the abortion”. He then totally changed, hrsaid we can’t have a baby because to have a baby with someone you have to be there 100% of the time and have a baby with someone you love but he said that isn’t me, because he doesn’t see a future with me….so even though I was sitting there really confused as to why he has told me he loved me if he doesn’t see a future with me, I kept my mouth shut about that and said “you may not see a future with me, but I cannot abort the baby, I will bring it up, in fact it’s your decision if you don’t want to stick around”, obviously of course, I was hoping and expecting him to say he would. But anyway, he went mad and sort of pushed his hand quite hard into my forehead, sort of not like a punch but hard enough to be aggressive and make me feel scared.

    So he put his hands on me and said “im not having another man raising my child”!! I said that I didn’t say that, I just said that I wud raise it without him if I had to.

    He then started shouting and saying “im taking you home and you are gonna take that tablet, else they won’t be able to do the abortion”, so I tried getting out of the car and he drove away before i could. When we got to the traffic lights up the road, I got out of the car and he shouted “you best f**king take that tablet when you get home…”!!! I shouted that I wasn’t going to back at him as he had to drive away. He turned into my street expecting me to walk home up there, so I carried on going straight and went towards the shops, I got on the phone to another one of my housemates and told her what had happened and that I was upset and that he didn’t take the newx too well. I then saw X driving up the street, so I turned and walked the opposite direction, he drove past again and shouted for me to get in the car now, so I ignored him and carried on in the other direction once again. My housemate told me to stay on the phone, she was trying to calm me down. I then couldn’t see him anywhere until he literally came running over on foot, ranting and raving at me in my face, I was walking around him but was scared because he was just so loud and tall and towering over me while he was screaming at me that I can’t have this kid, that I’m not who we wants a kid with, that it’s ok for me cuz I will get ‘extra money every week’, and other hurtful things basically. Saying he doesn’t want to be with me or me to have this baby, it will ruin his life etc. I got all the way to the shop and he screamed at me that much that I said I’d take the abortion tablet, JUST to get him away from me because I was scared, he then screamed in front of everyone in the street…. “if you don’t take that f**king tablet when you get home, see what happens Laura, f**king see what happens, I’ll go F**KING MENTAL, DO U HEAR ME?? F**KING MENTAL!!!”….

    As he was shouting this, my housemate came running around the corner and told him to get away from me, get in his car and go home. He told her to “talk some sense into her” (me)….then he went.

    I was shook. I was confused, I was so scared of what I just witnessed him acting like and I was upset all at the same time. All the things he had said, he said he felt tricked etc and you know what? I felt heartbroken, because he had treated me so nice throughout the days before the ‘abortion’. I now realise that he had put all that extra effort and the ‘i love you’s’ because he thought he could try and keep me happy to ensure I had the termination. So I felt totally used and horrible. He would have let me go through the abortion even if I didn’t want to, then face the guilt and mental health problems and depression afterwards and just left me to it, because he had no reason to stay anymore. He would have done that, I realise that now.

    Anyway, we met up like 2 weeks after when he had calmed down, after he had messaged me now and then adkias if I had changed my mind. I told him a definite no and it is his decision what he wants to do.

    Anyway, when we met, he took me to costa, bought us a coffee and said this:

    “I think being a father is about being there for the child 100% of the time, living with the child to ensure that they are well and ok and looked after, that’s what being a dad is all about, so, because I don’t see a future with you and because that means I’m not gonna live with you, then I think it’s best that im not involved in the childs life AT ALL.”

    I was obviously gobsmacked at his reasoning, I can understand being a dad is about being there for ur child but I don’t agree that the best thing is to walk away because he doesn’t want to be with me!!!!!! But it’s his decision.

    Oh, and he said “feel free to send the child my way when he’s older, if he wants to know me”!!

    So, I left him there after he said there was nothing else he wanted to say and that he hopes I “have a nice life” and that I have everything I hope for in life. Basically he was saying his goodbyes cuz he intends to never see me again, or the baby.

    I went outside and got on the phone to my mum and he came out, saw me crying and gave me a hug and took a deep breath of the smell of my hair and I said to him “if you change you mind, you know where I am”.

    He replied “Laura, I won’t change my mind”. Then walked away.

    I’ll always remember that scene in my head, the look of his back as he walked away around the corner; the last time I saw him.

    I’m so heartbroken and grieving for my babies loss at the same time. I am so confused as to all the fake feelings that I thought were real. Still hoping yhey were genuine because he was never one to lie. He hated liars. But I just don’t understand. It’s his decision but I just wish he would be there for his baby and not punish me. He said he felt tricked and that he felt like I had changed my mind so abruptly at the last minute. Why would he feel tricked though unless he felt like he put in all that effort to endens an abortion and it never came to anything. I don’t know. I’m guessing. But I just need some advice, he has blocked me on Instagram and probably my number so I can’t text him, I don’t know, I haven’t tried to text him or ring him. I’m not going to chase him. Even though I want to, I want to find out what his parents think because they knew that I am pregnant and keeping it now because he has told them. I know his mum didn’t want me to have an abortion from the start but I have only met them twice and I don’t feel comfortable ringing their house phone to speak to them if X has made his decision, because obviously they are gonna respect and have to go with whatever their son wants to do, no matter if they agree or nor, because he’s their son at the end of the day.

    Help me, need advice and help, apart from saying “go out, write a diary of your feelings, do activities you enjoy to take your mind off it…..etc etc”! I need some specific activities and hints and tips that will really definitely help me!! I want things that someone had done that I can do and will actually help my depression over this.

    Lol, sorry for the essay guys and sorry but I’m sure you know what I’m saying when I’m saying I want stuff that’s proven to help cuz some of you have done it. I exercise already and that doesn’t help my head, I get outside regularly and it only helps me temporarily, I write a diary of my thoughts already but it just makes me worse. I need fun diary activities or writing activities or something lol! Telly doesn’t help, music makes me think of him so I don’t know what to do!!!

    Has anyone else experienced the father walking away? Have they changed their minds at all? Does anyone have any useful advice? Please?

    #22517 Report

    CH86
    Participant

    Hello

    Im sorry to hear what you’ve been through…I’m in a similar predicament.

    The father (my ex boyfriend) is really pressuring me to get a termination as he says I can’t do this alone, it’s not right to bring up a baby this way. He is moving to the U.S so he has no intentions of being involved.

    Im scared. I’m 15weeks pregnant and don’t know what to do. I don’t have my own home, have financial issues and don’t have a big support network around me.

     

    Im sorry I don’t have any advice for you, but I am hear if you want to chat x

     

    #22528 Report

    Hi Irhwll22

    Justine the moderator here.  It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time and I am pleased you have reached out to other parents on the forum.  You have been very descriptive and the event you’ve experienced and it sounds like it was pretty chaotic and distressing for you.  I hope it has helped you to put this down in writing.

    I recommend that you contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.  They are able to give you support around the situation you have described.  They can be contacted on: 0808 2000 247 It is a freephone number and they are open 24 hours a day.

    With regards to some of the other information you have spoken about, I will shortly be sending you a personal message with some other signposting options.

    Take care, Justine

    #22757 Report

    Sarah0407
    Participant

    Hiya.

    I lost a baby and got told by the doctors i couldn’t have any more. 10 years later i met this bloke at first ut was just sex but then we started seeing each other every day i started to get feeling for him of course he didn’t i got my head round not being a mummy then 7 months later the best day of my life i found out at 2 weeks i was pregnant i told him he said he needs time to think. Nearly 5 years later he still hasn’t meet him ive done it all on my own ive had no help and its the best thing I’ve ever done.

    Good luck with your and your baby’s future.

    #23138 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Hi Laura,

    I found your post heartbreaking, obviously me being a bloke I can never fully understand, especially as I’m pro children….I will never get how any man could walk away from his kids, it’s beyond my comprehension.

    The only advice I can give is to keep posting here because sooner or later someone will post who knows exactly how you feel. There is a fairly high turnover of folk using the forum purely because its quite often only used when times are hard and when things get better(as they tend to do) people stop using the site apart from a select few.

    The only other thing I want to say is that judging by the blokes actions he would never of been the perfect guy for you, no man who is worth his salt would of behaved as he did. You WILL get through this temporary blib in your life, you will find happiness. Good luck and enjoy your baby when they come 🙂

    Mark

    #23139 Report

    Sarah0407
    Participant

    Aww thats a lovely thing for you to say. Guess all men aren’t rubbish 🤣🤣.

    #23140 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Couldn’t agree with Mark more.  Better alone than with the wrong person, especially someone who has so little regard for their own child and Sarah among others is testament to that.  Hats off to those who do it alone, through choice or otherwise.

    #23142 Report

    Sarah0407
    Participant

    Thank you.

    XX

    #23145 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Thank you Sarah, I really would like to think that there are many of us men that arnt rubbish.

    As I said I’m pro kids so I don’t get that blokes actions but even without that issue the fact that the way he treated Laura(sorry for talking about you in the 3rd person seeing as you started the thread), nobody deserves to be abused and what Laura suffered is clear cut abuse, if someone becomes abusive then they arnt worth your time or emotional energy, I know this only too well  (thankfully I’m not talking about my boys mum).

    #23147 Report

    Sarah0407
    Participant

    My son’s father left me when I was 3 weeks pregnant said he needed time to think and thats the last i saw of him.

    The worst of it all is he got another son think hes got custody of.

    Even his mother doesn’t want to no.

    X

    #23149 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Sarah, everything you’re saying points to the fact that you’re better off without him. It is very, very true that we can not see what’s around the corner nor can we see (annoyingly!) when that corner will come but it will come, each and every one of us deserves happiness and it’s crap that sometimes we need to go through the crap before we find the good x

    #23151 Report

    Sarah0407
    Participant

    Something people are better off on there own i no we are with out him i tryed to think about my son and send a picture when he was born and wrote a letter with my address and number and got nothing back. Its really hard sometimes keeping up coz i have to be his everything.

    #23155 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    I understand what you’re saying Sarah, my last 3 relationships were what can only be described as abusive (obviously I’m picking the wrong women lol) and much of the time I’m sort of happy but there’s always something missing. I find it hardest when my son stays with his mum which is around 3 weekends a month and then the house gets too big and quiet. I know that some people can genuinely happy alone but that isn’t me.

    If your boy is happy, fed, watered and clothed then you’re doing everything right so try to relax a bit, give yourself credit for doing a fantastic job!

     

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