Pregnant and father has said he doesn't want to be in the baby's life.

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Balloongirl 2 months ago.

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  • #22492 Report

    lrhwll22
    Participant

    Hey, so basically I am struggling a little.

    Back in June, I lost my ex partner. We were together for 12 years, yet I still classed him as my partner, even though we had been split up over a year before he died. It hit me very hard, he was the father to my 13 year old daughter and I really found it hard to do anything.

    I moved into a shared house because of mental health, it was a place where women could get the necessary help for themtto recover. There, I met a new girl who moved in and we started going on nights out together and basically spent a lot of time with each other. We became good friends and on a night out, I met a lad (I’ll call him ‘X’), and we talked and to be honest, yes, I slept with him that same night in a hotel.

    So, I really had a great time. After all, I’m 31 years old and he’s 21 so I felt great and just amazing having fun with him. We met again and we just drove, all night, around lake vrynwy and lake Bala and we looked at the stars and talked all night, getting to know each other. We started meeting regularly, and we carried on having sex, it was unprotected because I told him I had the coil fitted.

    Around the end of October, for some reason he became quite distant, I hardly heard from him and me being quite confused, got very clingy and kept messaging him just to try and get a response. I did act quite desperate but I didn’t know any better and I really liked him and needed a reason why he had become distant.

    Long story short, he got back in touch, usually when he wanted sex, or when it was convenient for him.

    I, of course, just liked to see him and so, I let myself down by carrying on accepting this behaviour.

    He became distant again at another time in November and then came back… I let him. Then Xmas time came and he did it again.

    I by this time had fallen in love with him, because despite his behaviour, when we were together, he actually treated me very nicely, he always took me out to nice places and for meals and held the door for me and kissed me and held my hand etc etc.

    So for 21, he actually seemed very grown up….but still, immature at the same time.

    Anyway at Xmas, I said that I would wish his merry Xmas on Xmas day then I’d leave him be. We weren’t really getting on because his behaviour had made me overbearing and caused me to be quite horrible to him with my words when he continued to treat me like he did. So he said not to bother messaging him at all.

    So. I didn’t. I didn’t message him Xmas day.

    I then had a message on bocibo Day off him saying that he had been thinking about me blah blah blah and we started seeing each other again. But it was different this time, he seemed like hehactually genuinely wanted me 100%. He came to see me all the time. But, he had quit his job, so that’s maybe why he was like this now and that’s maybe why he used to act like he did; because of his job.

    But I don’t know. Anyway, I found out I was pregnant in January, and I messaged him. He came straight away to see me (after some not very calm messages saying stuff like “this cannot be happening, nooooooooo, I can’t believe this…”) and we spoke.

    We sort of decided to have an abortion, I was genuinely thinking this was the best idea because of him being so young and us only knowing each other for a few months.

    So I booked and attended all  necessary appointments to attend in this situation, he came with me to them all. We were still having sex and going for meals etc, he literally came to take me out somewhere every single day. He also fecdeci to tell me loved me…..I really fell for him all over again. He was being very supportive while I was going through this.

    Time went on and I started to have mixed feelings about the abortion, I was feeling very different about things and when it came the day to take the tablet (that you are required to take 24 hours before the actual procedure, to open up your cervix) I could not take it and start the process. It was then, that I knew for sure that I was not able to go through with a termination.

    So I messaged him, saying that I couldn’t take the tablet. He said he was coming to pick me up and take me for breakfast so we could talk.

    He came, we went to breakfast and he bought me a bunch of pink roses. We got back in his car and he said “right, now we need to talk”. I told him that I could not take the tablet and he said “well, I want you to take it, I don’t want a baby, I can’t have a baby”. So I said “X, I can’t take the tablet or go through with the abortion”. He then totally changed, hrsaid we can’t have a baby because to have a baby with someone you have to be there 100% of the time and have a baby with someone you love but he said that isn’t me, because he doesn’t see a future with me….so even though I was sitting there really confused as to why he has told me he loved me if he doesn’t see a future with me, I kept my mouth shut about that and said “you may not see a future with me, but I cannot abort the baby, I will bring it up, in fact it’s your decision if you don’t want to stick around”, obviously of course, I was hoping and expecting him to say he would. But anyway, he went mad and sort of pushed his hand quite hard into my forehead, sort of not like a punch but hard enough to be aggressive and make me feel scared.

    So he put his hands on me and said “im not having another man raising my child”!! I said that I didn’t say that, I just said that I wud raise it without him if I had to.

    He then started shouting and saying “im taking you home and you are gonna take that tablet, else they won’t be able to do the abortion”, so I tried getting out of the car and he drove away before i could. When we got to the traffic lights up the road, I got out of the car and he shouted “you best f**king take that tablet when you get home…”!!! I shouted that I wasn’t going to back at him as he had to drive away. He turned into my street expecting me to walk home up there, so I carried on going straight and went towards the shops, I got on the phone to another one of my housemates and told her what had happened and that I was upset and that he didn’t take the newx too well. I then saw X driving up the street, so I turned and walked the opposite direction, he drove past again and shouted for me to get in the car now, so I ignored him and carried on in the other direction once again. My housemate told me to stay on the phone, she was trying to calm me down. I then couldn’t see him anywhere until he literally came running over on foot, ranting and raving at me in my face, I was walking around him but was scared because he was just so loud and tall and towering over me while he was screaming at me that I can’t have this kid, that I’m not who we wants a kid with, that it’s ok for me cuz I will get ‘extra money every week’, and other hurtful things basically. Saying he doesn’t want to be with me or me to have this baby, it will ruin his life etc. I got all the way to the shop and he screamed at me that much that I said I’d take the abortion tablet, JUST to get him away from me because I was scared, he then screamed in front of everyone in the street…. “if you don’t take that f**king tablet when you get home, see what happens Laura, f**king see what happens, I’ll go F**KING MENTAL, DO U HEAR ME?? F**KING MENTAL!!!”….

    As he was shouting this, my housemate came running around the corner and told him to get away from me, get in his car and go home. He told her to “talk some sense into her” (me)….then he went.

    I was shook. I was confused, I was so scared of what I just witnessed him acting like and I was upset all at the same time. All the things he had said, he said he felt tricked etc and you know what? I felt heartbroken, because he had treated me so nice throughout the days before the ‘abortion’. I now realise that he had put all that extra effort and the ‘i love you’s’ because he thought he could try and keep me happy to ensure I had the termination. So I felt totally used and horrible. He would have let me go through the abortion even if I didn’t want to, then face the guilt and mental health problems and depression afterwards and just left me to it, because he had no reason to stay anymore. He would have done that, I realise that now.

    Anyway, we met up like 2 weeks after when he had calmed down, after he had messaged me now and then adkias if I had changed my mind. I told him a definite no and it is his decision what he wants to do.

    Anyway, when we met, he took me to costa, bought us a coffee and said this:

    “I think being a father is about being there for the child 100% of the time, living with the child to ensure that they are well and ok and looked after, that’s what being a dad is all about, so, because I don’t see a future with you and because that means I’m not gonna live with you, then I think it’s best that im not involved in the childs life AT ALL.”

    I was obviously gobsmacked at his reasoning, I can understand being a dad is about being there for ur child but I don’t agree that the best thing is to walk away because he doesn’t want to be with me!!!!!! But it’s his decision.

    Oh, and he said “feel free to send the child my way when he’s older, if he wants to know me”!!

    So, I left him there after he said there was nothing else he wanted to say and that he hopes I “have a nice life” and that I have everything I hope for in life. Basically he was saying his goodbyes cuz he intends to never see me again, or the baby.

    I went outside and got on the phone to my mum and he came out, saw me crying and gave me a hug and took a deep breath of the smell of my hair and I said to him “if you change you mind, you know where I am”.

    He replied “Laura, I won’t change my mind”. Then walked away.

    I’ll always remember that scene in my head, the look of his back as he walked away around the corner; the last time I saw him.

    I’m so heartbroken and grieving for my babies loss at the same time. I am so confused as to all the fake feelings that I thought were real. Still hoping yhey were genuine because he was never one to lie. He hated liars. But I just don’t understand. It’s his decision but I just wish he would be there for his baby and not punish me. He said he felt tricked and that he felt like I had changed my mind so abruptly at the last minute. Why would he feel tricked though unless he felt like he put in all that effort to endens an abortion and it never came to anything. I don’t know. I’m guessing. But I just need some advice, he has blocked me on Instagram and probably my number so I can’t text him, I don’t know, I haven’t tried to text him or ring him. I’m not going to chase him. Even though I want to, I want to find out what his parents think because they knew that I am pregnant and keeping it now because he has told them. I know his mum didn’t want me to have an abortion from the start but I have only met them twice and I don’t feel comfortable ringing their house phone to speak to them if X has made his decision, because obviously they are gonna respect and have to go with whatever their son wants to do, no matter if they agree or nor, because he’s their son at the end of the day.

    Help me, need advice and help, apart from saying “go out, write a diary of your feelings, do activities you enjoy to take your mind off it…..etc etc”! I need some specific activities and hints and tips that will really definitely help me!! I want things that someone had done that I can do and will actually help my depression over this.

    Lol, sorry for the essay guys and sorry but I’m sure you know what I’m saying when I’m saying I want stuff that’s proven to help cuz some of you have done it. I exercise already and that doesn’t help my head, I get outside regularly and it only helps me temporarily, I write a diary of my thoughts already but it just makes me worse. I need fun diary activities or writing activities or something lol! Telly doesn’t help, music makes me think of him so I don’t know what to do!!!

    Has anyone else experienced the father walking away? Have they changed their minds at all? Does anyone have any useful advice? Please?

    #28107 Report

    Blonde92
    Participant

    Hi I’m pretty much going through the same thing me and my ex have been on and of for 2 years same as your ex  I would say he would be ok for a few weeks then make something up to fall out with me then be back texting me and ringing me when he wanted thay are not man thay are boys my ex is 33 I’m 27 .. I’m nearly 14 weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant I told my ex he came and seen me to talk about keeping the baby or not he did say what ever i pick he will be there i was like I dont know what to do I was shocked and I all ready  have two children from my other relationship and he thought he couldn’t have kids so you would think he would be shocked as he was but all so happy a bit … anyway weeks went on he was fine with keeping the baby but all so went of with me didn’t here much from him got a text saying he doesn’t think keeping it is the best way to go he wanted a new car was doing a course at work what he passed anyway and wanted to buy a house that to me is not really a reason not to want a baby saying it’s not the right time its never the right or wrong time to have a baby it will happen if it’s going to happens… well agen I text just putting it out there really I told him I was keeping it and not changing my mind agen was ringing me saying when do we found out sex ect oh I’ll come pick you up after work ect so I was sat there waiting for him he never showed up every odd for him to do that so I rang no answer text no reply ok so I left it very confused not running about after him did not here a thing from him for a week .. to text me saying he feels trapped all so left me confused dont understand this one bit .. then got all the hate from him I’ve never loved you ect I dont wont to be a dad so he hates me coz I’m keeping the baby and he was on and on at me not to keep it and all the hate so I gave in and sed fine I’ll not keep it soon as I sed that been all nice agen horrible how some people can be .. I had my abortion and my scan on the same date big choice to make anyway I went to my scan the next day I sent him a photo of the scan pick no reply from him so I left it I sed to his sister I sent your brother a scan photo the other day and no reply from him or his he just not bothered she replied saying sorry iknow he does not want this baby and nothing is going to change that was like a kick in teeth.. I’ve no idea if he will change his mind I hope he does really do for the babys sake my other kids see there dad but when my baby’s older wants the baby going to think where is my dad that will kill me what will I say I’ve no idea but will cross that bridge when its comes .. and I hope you got yours sorted with the babies dad

    #28111 Report

    Balloongirl
    Participant

    6 Years ago I was in exactly the same position, I had never wanted children, but a casul 18 month relationship led to an unplanned pregnancy, when I told him he kissed and groped another woman in front of me and that was the last time I ever saw him.  When I was giving birth he was in bed literally ‘doing the deed’ with another woman.  Whilst I didn’t want him, I did expect his support, after all, he was 50% responsible and it is also his responsibility to ensure his sperm can’t get a woman pregnant, I’m only responsible for my eggs not his sperm!!!   I went on many websites like this asking how to deal with it, after all your hormones are going wild with pregnancy and probably very tearful, even though he is being an idiot.  I went to see a counsellor (a trainee one as cheaper), she helped me see things differently, allowed me to cry, vent my anger and worries etc.  The words I read in many forums were “it does get easier with time” which at that time didn’t seem to be what I needed to hear but 6 years on, it is alot easier, I still hate the father, not because of how he treated me but to abandon his own child is the lowest thing an individual can do and I get angry on my daughters behalf as she is beautiful and innocent and didn’t deserve to be treated in such a low manner.  Just be the best mother that you can be, make him pay maintenance and then let him go, you and your baby will be an invicible and special team together.

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