Pregnant and father doesn’t want baby

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  • #64384 Report

    Cookiegirl
    Participant

    Hi so I’m currently 9+4 pregnant and to cut a long story short, my (ex)partner and I were together almost 3 years on and off , we had talked about having a baby at some point so I’d come off my contraception and we were basically thinking if it happened it happened . Fast forward a Few months and we end up splitting up then a month after that I discovered I was pregnant, so I told him as I was in shock and my initial thought was that I couldn’t go through with the baby as we weren’t together and it wasn’t the right time, I booked an appointment to go see about a termination and found out I was 7 weeks and after that appointment I decided I couldn’t go through. With the termination it just didn’t feel right and I would regret it (I’m 36 and already have a 6 year old to a previous relationship) my parents have said they will support me whatever I decide to do, but my ex on the other hand is being so horrible saying that he doesn’t want it and that I’m trying to trap him and that there’s laws against that ( I’ve made it clear I don’t want the relationship and I’m happy to do this alone ) am I in the wrong for going with my heart on how I feel ? I’m at a total loss I really want this baby and know I can manage fine on my own with no support from him

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    #64386 Report

    Surreyman
    Participant

    He is probably just in shock and reached with those comments. Would it be his first child?

    You are completely right to have the baby if you feel you want it, he may say you are trying to trap him financially,  but in time he or may not come round. As you said you are prepared to ahead alone .

    Maybe wait for him to calm down and approximate again,  or do you have any common friends?  Someone he would listen to that could speak to him. He is probably just frightened and not handling it very well, not excusing him but that’s what it sounds like.

    #64388 Report

    Cookiegirl
    Participant

    Yes it’s his first child , I just feel awful and worry that other people will think bad of me , I think the problem is some of his friends have been filling his head full of ideas that I’m trying to trap him I’ve no interest in him, horrible situation

    #64389 Report

    Surreyman
    Participant

    Yeah unfortunately there are some women that do that, just as there are bad men that don’t support their child. But people shouldn’t judge everyone the same. It’s a hard situation to be in but no reason you shouldn’t have the child if you want to. In the future if you ask for things from him, he may throw it back and say I you are now wanting things. But my suspicion is that when the baby first looks at him and says daddy whilst dribbling all down its chin, he will thank you.  He is a man, emotional disaster haha. Let him cool off, but in the mean time I would try to contact someone sensible that he and you both respect the opinion of and maybe get them to speak to him. But the bottom line is, you don’t need his permission and don’t have to put up with abuse for going ahead with the pregnancy either.  He has his opinion at the moment,  but shouldn’t keep making you feel down about it or pressure you into something you don’t want to do.

    #64494 Report

    Newmum84
    Participant

    Hi lovely, you have made the right decision to keep your baby. I was in your position almost a year ago – my ex reacted in exactly the same way but I stuck to my guns and now I have the most gorgeous baby boy! Always trust your gut instinct.

    Your ex will calm down I’m sure, surround yourself with friends and family in the meantime. I felt all of the things you are feeling right now. Unfortunately your ex is not thinking about your feelings right now. And I know that sucks and is extremely hurtful. Once you became pregnant it was always going to be your decision to keep or abort baby – not his. Your ex will not like the idea of not being in control. You can only be honest with how you feel about everything and maybe express to your ex that you can understand how he might feel – however be clear that It’s your body and ultimately  your decision.

    Try not to let emotions run high and focus on your baby. Try and be understanding of each other, but do not let anybody make you feel like you are a bad person or guilty  for keeping your baby, ever.

    Are you going to include your ex on the birth certificate? I included my ex on the bc and I’m really glad I did because (long story short) he is now legally required to pay child support – something which he has failed to do alongside countless other things since baby’s birth, therefore I can let the courts decide a fair amount for my ex to contribute to our baby. I do not have to deal with him! (He’s quite manipulative) – although I desperately wanted things to work out with us up until recently 🙁

    I wish you the best of luck. Everything has a way of working out. Give it time with your ex, he WILL calm down. You have done the right thing xxx

    #64499 Report

    Cookiegirl
    Participant

    Hi thank you so much, everything just feels such a mess at the moment making me feel awful, glad everything worked out for you , I’m not sure about the birth certificate I really don’t want anything from him but it’s a long way off so will see how things are further down the line , thank you again xx

    #64537 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    Other posters and from a bloke’s point of view have very sensible and mature advice to offer I feel, having read this thread.

    I’ve only got the following which might help going forward.

    Also check out mumsnet as there are a number of mums in your situation currently popping up and who exchanging tips in this very challenging situation of a pandemic as well as being pregnant and hacking it on your own.

    Some have said, yes, bloke in shock and will come round.

    All very well, and probably true in some cases I feel, but it is like most things as a single mum, kind of like we can’t afford to stand around in shock doing not very much, but have to move forward and attend pregnancy appointments, prepare financially etc build a support network – for the sake of the future of our kids and ourselves. But then, I’m a very practical person and my first survival instinct is always ‘organise’.

    So, I would say if you ‘organise’ without the bloke in the first instance – that is great, and it means you will make it on your own – if you need to do that.

    If he steps up/grows up/ as a father – in future – great – but it is always best to be prepared and if you are, you will be okay either way.

    Good luck

    ww.

     

    #64553 Report

    newbie123
    Participant

    1. Focus on what YOU want and do not worry about what HE wants at the moment. What you want and how YOU feel is what matters long term. Its what will matter most for baby well being.

    2. Put the baby and You first. I’m reading you can manage financially and socially without this person. I’m reading you have your parents supporting you. You’ve got this for now and it looks like you will figure it out just fine along the way. Prepare  for this scenario. Stop worrying about what HIS( or YOUR friends think about this). They will filter themselves out and the real friends will always stay by your side.

    3. Get legal advice NOW! i.e. talk to a family solicitor to get info on YOUR and HIS rights and responsibilities ( make sure it is a good name legal firm). It will be the best £500 you invest to get the info you need to make the right decisions for you and the baby.

    4. He might come around and want back in. Make sure it’s for the right reasons. And do think twice whether you want this kind of “man” by your side in the long run..

    5. Congratulations! Enjoy this beautiful gift!

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