Pregnant and confused.

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  • #63512 Report

    Londonlady37
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    I’m writing here because I just need to sound off somewhere. Anywhere really. Somewhere I’ll be heard but not by anyone I know.

    background basically. I was with my ex husband for just shy of 10 years, we had a son together and we split back in 2015 when it became transparent that his alcoholic tendencies were more precious than our relationship- long story short he’s now sober happy remarried and we are very amicable for our child. We share our child 50/50 and it’s something I take credit for in giving my child a happy life where they are non the wiser and loved at every turn.

    I was gutted at the time that I wasn’t able to have more children (couldn’t bring them into that situation) and when I divorced I thought I would find someone else.

     

    well fast forward 6 years or so and I consider myself lucky, I have a good job I stand on my own feet, own my own place and have a lot of freedom. What I didn’t have was more children and a partner which was ultimately what I have been looking for. This year I met someone who wasn’t the love of my life but was someone I was dating and enjoying, back in October I found out I was pregnant and when I told him he pretty much noped out of the situation quicker than you can say pregnancy test. He wanted me to get an abortion I just couldn’t do it. Aware of my age (37) and the fact that I felt hugely protective over this pregnancy almost immediately I said well go if you’re not interested and he did.

     

    I don’t want him back under a romantic term; he’s burned that bridge if he did come back but the door is open if he wants to be involved with the child. I’d never withhold a relationship between a child and a father if that’s what he wanted.

    so why I am I posting? I’m happy to be pregnant it was pretty much all I wanted for my immediate future while I was still of a childbearing age, and I already co parent so a lot of it feels like I’ve got knowledge and a life in place that supports this, but unlike with my ex husband- I hadn’t really considered I have support in the respect of breaks from my son, I don’t enjoy it but I’ve used the time to visit friends, go on trips and date.

    I’m nearly 4 months pregnant now and it’s dawning on me that finding a partner now feels more out of reach than ever. I’m very lucky as I say, I’ve got a lot of structure and financial security that I’ve fought tooth and nail for holding down a full time well paid job. I have a lot going for me and I’m proud of that, but at the commitment of having this child I feel scared that I’m losing a chance to find someone to be with, that I’m picking between another child I’ve yearned for since I had my first born and a fulfilling loving relationship which I so very much want and deserve.

    I honestly don’t even know what I’m expecting to get out of writing this – I want to be excited about this pregnancy, but it’s got a cloud of sadness surrounding it – guilt for the little one. Am I being selfish and wanting to continue this pregnancy? The anger for the father who just said thanks but no (he was a 40 year old man so hardly someone who was about to head off to uni or break a new career, I am more establish financially / securely than he was too so it surprised me that I seemed like such a bad option).

     

    Anyhow, that’s what I had to say. Thank you if you got this far. Any words of wisdom or advice or buckets of cold water for sounding so ungrateful welcome too.

    #63522 Report

    Vlou38
    Participant

    Hey

    Wanted to reply. I absolutely know what you are going through. My ex and I had just bought my parents home (my childhood home)

    Anyway. He was evil to me. Really abusive. Ww were together 5 years. He left me 6 times. When we bought the house. Which was a big 4 bedroom. Massive garden. Very quiet. I couldn’t stay. We had a daughter who was planned  just after her was the only time I saw him actually be nice, it didn’t last

    I was 7 months pregnant with our son. He told me he wasn’t his as we’d been split and had one night together. He left me again within a week.

    He hasn’t had his kids much. Very sporadic. No consistency. Cancelled hours before due to pick up. I would have to cancel my plans. He loves to have that control.

    He kept the house. Sold it for a profit. Moved on new lass who hates me.

    I was terrified. Being pregnant with my other 3. One was 3 one was 8 and then 11.

    Long story short. It’s the best thing did. I don’t think you’re selfish. I think baby’s dad is a bit. Has he said he wants contact?
    I don’t know what I would have done without my baby. He taught me to smile again. And honestly you’re amazing.

    Like you I never have stopped them having a dad. He just messes about. I want him to have them more. He’s dragging Jen through court. To have them less! That’s a long story.
    My sister was 40 when she had her last one. Ages for motherhood seem to be getting a lot higher. I was 35 when I had my last. It’s fine. What you do is you do what you feel is the best. Don’t think about the other options. Make it. Do it. And don’t worry. You’ve got this.. if I can do it. Anyone can. It’s a new chapter. And it’s scary and it’s exciting at the same time. I have been rewarded with more than I ever can explain. And you will absolutely find someone. Who won’t see the fears you do. Because they will accept you and your family. Otherwise they are bye byes.

    Its fine. You’re good. You got a lot to give. And you seem a very grounded and down to earth person. I’d love to chat if you want to. I have wrote a bloody essay. Sorry!!
    Vicky xx

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