Pregnant and alone – father now wants to co-parent
12 August 2020 at 7:09 pm #42902
I very unexpectedly became pregnant with a casual partner. I found out at 5 weeks, and he was always firmly of the opinion he didn’t want a child with me at this stage. He spent a week trying to emotionally manipulate me into getting an abortion, and then whatsapp’d me to say to never contact him again. I’m now 13 weeks.
He’s since decided that if I have the child he wants to be involved with the child and would like to co-parent with me, but still hates the pregnancy and considers that he should offer no support during the pregnancy. I’ve been having a really rough trimester 1, with all day sickness, exhaustion and most recently being put on sick leave by the GP to help me get the morning sickness under control.
I know I should be delighted, and that this will probably be better for the baby if we can co-parent, but I’m having huge problems believing that he’s legitimate. He continually tells me how he doesn’t want the pregnancy, he hasn’t told his family or friends – which makes me feel like the baby is a dirty little secret – has offered no financial support, or offers to support me. He knows I’ve been really stressed out that I’m not eating enough to give the baby the nutrients it needs, and has flat down refused to come over even once a week to help prep food for the days where I was being so sick I wasn’t making it off the sofa. We invariably end up fighting – which is probably a lot my fault – when we do try to communicate and I find it really stressful having him in my life.
I haven’t been looking for that much – one day a week is all we were seeing each other pre pregnancy, I don’t feel the desire to try to reconnect sexually but I’m really struggling to move past my anger at how badly he treated me when he found out, and still now that he wants to be involved but only on his very rigid terms. I fundamentally don’t trust that he’s going to magically change once the baby is growing outside of me rather than inside me.
When I have had the child he’s actively recommended that I move up to my parents (North of Scotland) so I can get some help with the baby, rather than rely on him for help. This would be hundreds of miles away from him, but he’d rather not have an active role than see the child. I partially respect the honesty, but I think it hints at what he’ll be like.
I’m not sure whether it’s better to keep making myself miserable in the hope that we can find a way to work together, or to firmly state that one happy parent is much better for the baby than 2 fighting parents.
Rationally I think there’s a lot of indications to say that if he’s unwilling to talk about the baby with anyone, or offer any support now, that that’s really unlikely to change as he’s suggested when the baby arrives. But I worry that I’m being really selfish. I actively resent him for putting me in a position where I’m having to make a judgement call like this.
This wasn’t something I’ve planned, I have very few friends with children and no single parents – I feel really torn at what to do next. Any opinions really welcomed.