Pregnant and alone
24 June 2020 at 10:13 am #41571
Hello, I am new here. I am 40 years old and have 3 children already. My older two were a result of an abusive marriage and my children from that situation are now aged 22 and 20 years old. They are both at uni and don’t live with me full-time. My 20 year old is Autistic and it was hard raising the two of them alone. The 20 year old was a result of rape by my now ex-husband. I left him when my now 20 year old was 4 months old and my ex-husband has had no part in their life, which was his choice. I met a man some 13 years later ad we dated for 2 years. He had no children and wanted a family so we planned and conceived my little boy, he is now 4 years old. My 4 year olds Dad left me two weeks after I gave birth (it turns out he had been cheating on me throughout the pregnancy), we were still in hospital at the time and my little boy was on the new-natal ward and critically ill. My 4 year old son’s father then took me to court 3 times in 2 years and made life very difficult. I have been struggling to cope with raising my little boy alone, I am socially isolated and have no family at all. I have good friends locally but they obviously have their own lives and partners, children, jobs etc. I started a new relationship last year, he is my age but has no children. He asked me early this year whether we could try for a baby, I didn’t want to as I didn’t know him well enough and also feared becoming a single parent. Unknown to me I was already pregnant by this stage and was devastated to discover this but felt unable to go through with an abortion. The father wanted nothing to do with myself or the child and was emotionally and verbally abusive from the point I found out I was pregnant, he blamed me and accused me of causing this pregnancy by myself. He also blamed me for not agreeing to abortion. He has blown hot & cold throughout the pregnancy, we have had long periods where he ignores me and subjects me to the silent treatment, the longest stint of no contact from him was 2 months in total. At times he said he wanted this baby and to be a family, even suggesting we got married. At other times he said he didn’t want this, not me, not the baby, not fatherhood and that he would never support us in any way. He even suggested that my baby wasn’t his and that he wanted a DNA test done. He has not attended any ante natal appointments at all, or scans, he has not wanted to be involved in the pregnancy at all, wouldn’t touch my bump when she kicked or provide a penny for her financially, he has done nothing for her on a practical level either. I am now 7 months pregnant and completely alone. The last time I saw him was a month ago, we had no contact for some 3 weeks, and then a week ago he contacted me by text. It is over now and he has done and said some awful and very hurtful things, things which have impacted my mental health, self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. I feel unable to cope with this alone, despite having been a single Mum for 20 odd years – but I have no support, and will have no respite from her, he will have no contact with her and will never provide financially for her either. I have done nothing for the baby yet as I feel unable to do so, through fear, loneliness, depression and also the inability to manage this alone. I am contemplating adoption now but know this will kill me and feel that I will be unable to live with the aftermath. There seems no way out for me or my little boy. We are alone. My midwife knows my feelings and has put in a referral to social services to discuss the adoption. I just feel numb. I’m sorry this is so long but wondered if anyone has gone through anything similar and has any words of advice for me? I’d be grateful to hear from you.24 June 2020 at 9:25 pm #41610
Poor you. I haven’t been through so much (just one emotionally abusive narcissistic husband I left at Christmas, and two children) but wanted to give some support anyway. You’ve been through so much with so little help, you are stronger than you think so don’t give up on yourself. Do the right thing for you. It would be tough to keep the baby, but maybe close enough in age to your 4-year old for them to grow up together and become a strong family together. Maybe it can be worth it in the end. I am here if you want to chat, don’t feel that you are alone. x27 June 2020 at 10:59 pm #41760
I’ve not been in your situation exactly, I’ve raised my daughter single handedly and things haven’t been easy.
But I just wanted to say to you to walk tall, live life so that your children look up to you, and be proud of the little human beings that you have created. You will do an amazing job and don’t let anyone try and tell you otherwise!