Pregnant and Alone
6 May 2020 at 7:15 pm #39723
I found out I was pregnant just over a month ago. I had only been with the baby’s dad for 3 months at this point, at first he seemed in shock but happy then things started to change and I felt like he didn’t want me or the baby but didn’t want to be the bad guy and leave. I ended up breaking it off with him last week, there was no fight and no interest shown in trying to make it work. Since then he has pretty much ignored me or been very dry, even when I ended up in hospital due to pregnancy complications. He only messaged to see how I was after my friend had a go at him. He has agreed to meet me to talk but not sure what to expect. My friends all now hate him for what he has done but I can’t work out how I feel, I am desperate to have a little family for my baby but I also know from his actions he doesn’t want me. I’m not sure I can handle this on my own.
Sorry for the long sorry, does anyone have any advice?6 May 2020 at 8:48 pm #39724
My advice would be hold on to your family and friends.
There is plenty of fish in the sea.
Now the most important thing is you look after yourself and your amazing baby who is coming on the way.
You two are a family now, and then, in the future, whoever join you will be an addition to the family.
All the best!6 May 2020 at 11:30 pm #39730
Rute is right – ultimately your focus should be on those closest to you- and getting things ready for the baby.
Stephanie- I’m just going to play devil’s advocate here. Only because I can (only slightly!) see myself in your ex.
When my ex fell pregnant, we had only been together 4 months. Baby wasn’t planned; I remember it well, we were away in York for the weekend. She was being sick in the evenings (…yes, I thought morning sickness actually meant it only took place in the mornings…!) 🤦🏻♂️
I dropped her off in Peterborough and came home to Huntingdon. No sooner had I got home and put the oven on, I had the phone call. She had taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was actually holding a Birds Eye crispy cod in my hand when I got the news.
I drove back over (ate the cod first obviously…), and we went to hospital to check for sure. On that drive you won’t believe what was going through my head. I’d only known her a short while, I didn’t want to leave Huntingdon and she didn’t want to leave her home town an hour away…. how would we afford to pay for baby, etc etc etc. I guess I went quiet – but it wasn’t because I wasn’t interested, I was just trying to compartmentalise it in my mind. When I first heard baby’s heartbeat at the hospital I was absolutely smitten. It was (ironically) fathers’ day last year – 16th June (I still have the scan photo on my kitchen wall).
The following weeks were a rollercoaster for both of us. To cut a very long story short, my ex accused me of not caring, but I assure you nothing is further from the truth. She asked for a few weeks alone; I gave her that, and that was her excuse to leave (she returned to her ex, but that’s another story).
When my baby girl was born in January or changed me forever. I’ve just sold my beloved bachelor flat and am buying a bungalow so baby can have her own room – and I’m fighting for her in court. That little girl is my world and I love her more than anything else.
When your ex meets the baby he will fall in love. He won’t want to let the baby out of his sight.
Do you think you might have been a bit harsh on him? It’s a lot for him to process too – he might have been doing it in his own way. He might have been looking for direction – and he got it when you ended the relationship (hence no fight).
Give him a ring, when lockdown is over, get him over for dinner. Speak about things like a plan for scans, the birth, etc. I guarantee you that when baby comes along he will want to be part of both your lives 🙂
Steve7 May 2020 at 2:53 am #39739
I agree with Rute, doing it without him doesn’t mean doing it alone. If you have family and friends who have your back I would focus on that and utilise them as much as possible regardless of how things with your ex work out.
I was terrified when I got pregnant. I can get how it could bring out the worst in someone but he sounds like he has consistently failed you and the baby. Mistakes are one thing, but how many times does a person have to repeat a mistake before it stops being a mistake and an accident and starts being evidence of their bad character? There has to be a line and only you can know where that is and if he has crossed it already.
He might have a lot of good things to say and he may change and learn from this but, I can understand why your friends hate him. That said it can’t be easy on you everyone saying he’s a jerk when he’s the father of your baby, and these things can be complicated. You know him and the situation better than anyone else, follow your gut, and remember you are not alone!
You are going to love that baby so much! The day I gave birth was crazy but it was the best day of my life, excited for you! X7 May 2020 at 2:39 pm #39766
Thanks for the reply’s!
I know you are all right and my focus should be on the baby, I am just worried I am not going to be good enough on my own.
Steve- thankyou for sharing your story. This had been playing on my mind that maybe O was being over emotional and had been to harsh on him so 2 days after we split up I ask if we could talk about things, however by this point he was already on dating websites and chatting to other women and I found out he had been lying to me. He already has 2 kids from previous relationship and don’t think he has any interest in anymore. I am hoping to have a chat with him still to find out where he stands but he’s not been very forthcoming so far.
I hope everything works out well for you and your daughter!7 May 2020 at 4:08 pm #39768
I felt like I wasn’t enough, I had postnatal depression and was on my own. Mum guilt is real! but my friends help me feel better when I’m down. I talk to them about it and they remind me that I’m a great mum and the evidence is my happy healthy baby! You can’t be perfect, but you are enough x7 May 2020 at 6:30 pm #39773
Hi. I’m very recently single & 6 months pregnant & like you feel so guilty that I’ve let my children down.
It’s only been a couple of weeks & I’m in no doubt my ex is on sites & probably even sleeping with women. At the moment he still sees our daughter but I’m sure that will change when something takes his fancy.
I go from sitting crying, feeling very alone & worthless to thinking sod him, his loss, he’s missing out on his baby & daughter but he also has 2 older children which he hasn’t seen for 3 years! So not seeing his youngest won’t phase him!
All we can do it take each day as it comes, know we deserve better & be the best we can for our children.
I haven’t got any friends or family but talk to people around you, don’t keep things bottles up as trust me it will eat away & mess your head!7 May 2020 at 9:17 pm #39783
Hi Wauderful – thank you so much! You are right, I feel so guilty and I don’t even have my little one here yet. I do have a great support system in my friends who have been by my side through this! Wish you all the best.
Hi R, I am so sorry you are going through a similar situation, It really is a horrible feeling. I have been the same crying one minute and feeling like everything is fine the next, I feel guilty for letting him take away from the happiness of my pregnancy!
If you are feeling overwhelmed or need support don’t feel alone, feel free to get in touch, I will happily listen and help where I can!8 May 2020 at 1:52 am #39793
Hey everyone 🙂
Stephanie- my apologies, I didn’t realise your ex had been doing those things. I take back some of my advice – it doesn’t sound as though he has the emotional maturity to be a half-decent partner, let alone a role model to his child.
For what it’s worth, I think you have approached this in an extremely mature and thoughtful manner; the fact that you are still willing to speak to him and discuss his intentions with the baby speaks volumes. It’s fantastic that you have such supportive friends too. In all honesty, if he is willing to walk away from a caring partner and a new baby, more fool him! You will be okay. The coming months will be challenging but you have the support and the maturity to get through it. It will have been worth every minute when little one comes along 🙂
Parenting completely changes the way you think about things; it brings about a whole new perception and makes you evaluate things differently.
Redcherries – you do have friends, you have us!
Take care guys, and remember – as the great Joan Armatrading once said, “there is more than one kind of love”. 🙂8 May 2020 at 7:29 am #39796
Thanks Stephanie. As if pregnancy emotions aren’t hard enough. It does feel like I haven’t been able to enjoy being pregnant. Then in no time at all baby will be here & I’m worried that will be hard because I’ll be doing that alone too.
In a way it’s making it easier that he doesn’t care, but hard that I think of the years, time & energy wasted on him. I’ve thought many times that I wished I hadn’t got pregnant & that makes me sad.
I’ve woke up feeling ‘ok’, I’m just going to ask him if he wants to sort out how this will work, seeing his daughter & baby, I need to put things in place as I’ll be giving birth alone & the only person to look after my daughter is my older daughter who lives 2 hours away.
Just hope for both of us it gets easier & we can enjoy the rest of our pregnancies, our children & one day move on & be happy with someone we deserve x8 May 2020 at 7:30 am #39797
Steve- Thank you. It’s good to be able to talk x8 May 2020 at 10:24 am #39803
I am proof that you can do it alone.
I left my abusive ex partner and also the father of my baby at 6 months pregnant. I was petrified and also had complications in pregnancy.
I also thought I wouldn’t be enough. He constantly told me I wouldn’t be able to do it alone, even after I left.
With the help of gingerbread. Domestic abuse support and family and friends we are doing great.
Fast Forward a year and a half and I have a beautiful 1 year old girl who is very happy.
We have our own place (rented) and we are settled and happy together.
You will be frightened during the pregnancy but when you see your baby all those fears will be concentrated on protecting and providing for them.
Find a good birthing partner, surround yourself with good friends and family and support groups and you will be fine.
This is the beginning of a special journey so start bonding with that beautiful baby growing inside of you.
You are pregnant but you are not alone! Xx8 May 2020 at 9:05 pm #39814
I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Pregnancy is hard, and with all the uncertainty we are facing you’ve got a double whammy. So I firstly want to say well done, and keep going!
I have been in a remarkably similar situation and I had a lot of the same feelings of self doubt as you. I want you to know that you can do this. It sounds as though you have friends who have your back (given their reaction to your current situation :)) and you may have trusted family too.
I would encourage you to share what you are going through with your “inner circle” and with your health worker who will be able to put you in touch with support re finances, well being, groups, childrens centres, housing etc. There is ALOT of support out there but you have to ask (I wish I had asked sooner but didnt because I felt ashamed).
In my opinion the behaviour you have described from you ex partner is full of red flags. Please tread carefully with any future interactions with him. You dont know this person well and if he wants to be involved he needs to earn your trust gradually over time with consistent solutions-focused communication. You set the pace, and if he is a normal healthy person he will understand that.
I think you were right to leave. It is alarming that someone could show that level of disinterest in their child, go from hot to cold so quickly and then be on dating sites again despite having just got someone pregnant. None of this is okay.
Please surround yourself with a bubble of support. It will be your protective bubble and you will need it. There is a little life growing inside of you who will count on your for everything so keeping yourself safe and sane is your only job right now:) There is also feirce muma bear inside of you who knows what to do!
My daughter is 3 1/2 years old now. She is absolutely amazes me every day. You’ve got some really, REALLY exciting things to come! All things you can share with that trusted “inner circle”.
Personally, I haven’t dated since I left during the pregnancy. I wanted to focus all my energy on her to make these early years as stable as possible. We have a wonderful life despite modest means. The father became increasingly abusive after I left and made my life hell so I had to involve the police. He was then killed in a car accident. Honestly you couldn’t write it.
You’ve got this.
Stay safe, strong, and get to work on that bubble. Sending a big (socially distanced) hug. 🌻🌻9 May 2020 at 12:06 am #39818
Thankyou so much for everyone’s support and advice.
The babys dad agrees to talk and then cancelled last minute! He finally sent me a message today being honest about his feelings and said he doesn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life.
Turns out all I needed was that closure, feeling so much better now, me and my baby don’t need him. Gold my family and the rest of my friends and they were all so supportive!
You are all amazing! So glad I joined this site.