Pregnant and abandoned by husband. How do I get through this?
2 November 2019 at 1:31 am #32343
This will be a long post so please bear with me. I’m 35 and been with my second husband for 3 years. I have 3 children from previous relationships. I’m currently 6 months pregnant with a baby that was very much planned and wanted. I noticed about 2 months ago a change in my husband. He has always been so lovely, warm and funny, but he became distant and quiet literally overnight. I asked him about it but he brushed it off saying he was fine.
His behaviour deteriorated quite rapidly and he became very irritable and emotional. Things came to a head when there was an incident with my son, who is 9, and it ended in my son smashing a mirror in the hall. My son has issues with his temper and behaviour and is under the care of camhs. He’s not easy by any means, but essentially he’s a lovely kid who just has problems that need to be sorted.
Anyway after this incident my husband blurted out that he doesn’t like my son and doesn’t feel like he loves him at all. I listened and did my best to assure him that we would get it sorted, it would just take time.
We carried on for another week with my husband still being cold and distant from me. The following weekend was very tense and ended with my husband breaking down and saying he could no longer stay in our home and he needed a break so he went to stay at his mum’s. I agreed thinking some time away would do him good. Well that was 4 weeks ago. We stayed in regular contact but he was still not his usual self with me. He came home on weds and announced that things would never get better and he was leaving for good. I am shocked and beyond devastated. He says he still loves me but my son is too much for him to handle. But this is a man who I always considered to be a kind, compassionate and patient person. This is a man who has worked as a prison guard and as a carer of severely autistic children. My son is challenging but no where near as difficult as that! I obviously don’t want our marriage to end, especially when I’m having a baby. I’ve suggested that we go to counselling and try and work through it but he’s not on board. I’m trying to find solutions and be positive but he keeps shutting me down with negativity, repeating that nothing will change. I know I’m clutching at straws and that ultimately it’s over, but I cant accept it. To me if you love someone you will fight and try everything to make it work, but he’s just not doing that and I can’t understand why. I feel cheated out of the happy ever after he promised me. My son has always been this way so why now is it my husband suddenly cant cope?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? And how the hell do I get through being a single mum with a newborn baby if that’s what it’s going to come to? I’m so scared and confused and don’t know where to turn or what to do for the best.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated as I’m at a complete loss as to what to do2 November 2019 at 11:23 am #32348
My heart goes out to all 3 of you but you have this situation in front of you, you have to do what’s best with what you have I’m afraid.
Yes it may well seem very scary at the moment but the scary sfuff will pass, this I promise.
Do you understand why your husband feels this way towards your son? Can you relate to how difficult it must be for him? would there be anything you can do to alleviate the difficulties your husband feels towards your son?
I hate to say this but from reading your post it seems to be all about you and nothing really about how your husband or your son is feeling. A man that breaks down is not a cold callous person that wants to abandon you and his soon to be born baby. I know I couldn’t take someone elses child in my home causing such difficulties without it coming to a head. Would you consider some weekend respite care, via Children’s Services, for your son so that the constant pressure would be off your husband. Maybe that would be a way forward to help repair the relationship between you and your husband given time?
He still loves you it’s just that the situation is too much for him to deal with, it really doesn’t sound like he is going to abandon you either but I may be wrong.2 November 2019 at 4:22 pm #32351
Thank you for your input kath. I totally get why/how it must be hard for my husband. I guess I’m just angry at him for letting it get to this stage. He never gave me any indication at how hard he was finding everything until now and its seemingly too late. If only he had voiced his concerns and emotions about it all sooner I could have addressed it. It feels unfair that because I wasnt able to read his mind all our lives are now shattered. I’m quite a strong resilient person and I guess I thought he was too.
And you are right, maybe I am quite selfish, something I perhaps should work on.
As for children’s services/camhs, I’ve had nothing but bad experiences with them. I’ve reached out to children’s services so many times and they’re not interested. They were all over us like a rash when social workers wanted to try and find evidence we were abusing my son, but as soon as they were happy it was my son who was violent case was closed and all phone calls from me were ignored. As for camhs, all they do is make me do course after course, which aren’t particularly helpful. I’ll still battle on though, because what choice do I have?! I wont give up on my son, because I really am all he has.
Maybe I have to put my own happiness aside and accept I’ll be on my own from now on. I’ll have my children for at least the next 18 years, after that I’ll get a few dogs lol.
I’m wallowing in grief and shock at the moment, time to sort myself out and crack on I guess. Your reply has made me see that so thank you.2 November 2019 at 6:07 pm #32352
I don’t think you sound selfish at all. You’re obviously scared and in shock and suddenly faced with the idea of bringing a newborn into the world alone. Your husband obviously knew the situation with your son long before you made the decision to have another child and can now walk away because it’s tough for him!
I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say that you don’t have to question yourself and the way you’re feeling xx2 November 2019 at 7:54 pm #32362
Have you contacted YMCA for some help with your son? they could put in some intensive support for your son; I say this with some knowledge of what they offer. But yes I agree with you, CAMHS are rubbish. I never heard of anything good coming from the service they provide.
Even if you do end up on your own with your children it doesn’t mean that you won’t be happy. I’m on my own with my 14 year old son and have been since he was 3, I’m def not unhappy. xx2 November 2019 at 8:49 pm #32364
Thanks Sarah. I’m just questioning everything and trying to make sense of it all. I know theres no point really as it wont change anything, I have to deal with the situation as it is. I’ve actually had a really positive conversation with my husband this evening about how we move forward. He really isn’t a bad person, we’ve both made mistakes and sadly now are learning this the hardest way possible! I don’t know what will happen in the future but at the moment we are amicable and want to try and keep it that way, for all kids involved as well as us. I just hope it stays that way.2 November 2019 at 8:51 pm #32365
Kath- what can the ymca offer? And how do I find out more? I had no idea they could offer any support so that’s really helpful thank you x2 November 2019 at 10:02 pm #32371
Without going into great detail I have found YMCA the most helpful, hands on and supportive organisation. For various reasons I have experienced other organisations that talk the talk but have nothing to back up the talk with. Google them, there is a contact page where you will be able to contact the nearest office to you. xx2 November 2019 at 11:44 pm #32374
i am currently 15 weeks pregnant with my fiancé of 3 years
this is a very wanted long awaited rainbow baby, currently he’s disappeared, been over a week with no contact.
he used to go off the rails drinking etc but went into therapy and was doing great, hence me agreeing to get pregnant and starting our life properly, now 15 weeks in low and behold he’s off again! I can’t do this anymore, it’s not fair on me or our child to keep getting let down in this way,so I too am facing being a single mum
I have no idea how I’m going to cope, I’m not sleeping and my anxiety is through the roof.
but the sun sets every night and rises each morning, and I’m hoping with time the pain will ease
I wish you all the love & luck in the world
feel free to message me if you want to talk further, talking really does help
Gemma x3 November 2019 at 11:00 pm #32453
New to this but I feel your pain. I’m 16 weeks pregnant. My husband and I only married in August. He is a children’s nurse, and step dad to my little girl with whom he got on well.
As soon as he realised I was pregnant he acted strange (planned baby). He started lying about where he was after work. He distanced himself from me and made excuses for not spending time with me. He eventually left me and said he didn’t think we get on well enough to have a child – we were only just married!!! Also very happy from my point of view. I begged him not to give up on us and seek counselling etc. He knows I would support him through anything. I help people for a living.
Anyway, I finally found out last week he has been sleeping with his colleague. He shows absolutely no remorse whatsover. It’s so hurtful how someone you thought you knew could act so cruel and cold.
Its sad to see that there are others going through this but we can do this i’m sure and it will make us stronger I hope. I’m planning on talking to my midwife tomorow to see what support is available.
Best of luck
Lauxx4 November 2019 at 7:01 am #32459
Omg I’m so so sorry 😢 what a horrendous situation. What is wrong with these men?! I honestly cannot work it out. How do they completely hide their true feelings and manage to fool us like this? I’ll never understand. It appears to happen a lot more than I ever imagined.
Anyway, please feel free to message me if you want to talk, and know you’re not on your own in the pain you’re experiencing ❤4 November 2019 at 11:24 am #32472
Thanks so much Emma. You are right, before I came on here I didn’t realise how much this happens. I’ve been feeling alone and like life is an episode of Eastenders!!! I’ve Been treating the situation like grief as its grieving for the life I expected to have. . It will get better though 100 per cent.
I hope your children are OK too, bless them. That’s good you are amicable, you are being so strong. I hope I can be one day. How exciting that we have gorgeous babies on the way though. Happiness is coming.
Always here to chat