Please help me to be the mum I used to be 😔

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  • #46940 Report

    I don’t know where to start….

    ive been in an abusive relationship for 10 years. And when I say abusive, I’ve been through it all… mental, emotional, physical, coercive, and financial. He’s been awful.
    I wanted to fix him as I loved him but I couldn’t, and as our eldest got older and started seeing things he shouldn’t strain grew and I wasn’t happy anymore at all.
    I had our second child and was very very ill. I was let down by the father as he didn’t look after me very well. We split in March 2019. I was so so happy with the boys. We had a routine, fun, time and adventures and things were great. It was my decision to split because I’d had enough. He wormed his way back in with me in October 2019 and I was weary and didn’t want it. I told him I was happy and I had moved on but he began showing me a side I’d never seen. Caring, thoughtful, loving, romantic. I decided to give one more go for mine and the kids sake as he’d shown how good we could be.
    It didn’t last long! And more violent than ever. He wanted to know the ins and outs of what I did when we had split for 8 months. Went down my phone. Smashed up my house.
    Things came to a head in September when we were on holiday in Greece and he tried to strangle me with a metal braided phone charger lead. He told me he didn’t try to kill me because it takes over 4 minutes!
    when we returned (without him, as he was starting a new life abroad without us!!) the police couldn’t do anything because he’s abroad. I can’t get any court orders in place or even prohibited steps. Last week he tried to pick my son up from school without my permission.

    I think the main point to this is ME. I used to be a calm loving mum who went out of my way to make sure my children were content and happy. I was happy and on the ball with them with a great relationship and routine. Now I’m a mess. I’m terrified of their dad. I’ve moved house so he doesn’t know where we are but I’m so paranoid he’s going to kill me. I’m a shouty, no patience, heartbroken, confused mum with 2 children aged 8 and 2 – and my 8 yr old isn’t very nice to 2 hr old as – everything was fine until he came along! In his eyes.
    I know I’m not this person – I know I can be better – I just don’t know how??

    we are all dealing with the trauma but all struggling and battling and it’s destructive.

    please help me.

    #46962 Report

    Hi there

    Thank you for posting on our forum.  This seems like a very difficult situation you are in but I am sure that other parents will have felt similar at times.  I’m also sure they appreciate your honesty with this too.  To discuss how this can be managed I would suggest the National Domestic Violence Helpline.  Your situation will not be new to them and they may be able to make some suggestions around signposting.  Here are their details:

    • National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to current or historic abuse  Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

    You can also speak with one of our helpline advisers.  They should be able to explore your options:

    • Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925

    Opening hours:  Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4  They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered

    Hope that helps and I also think it won’t be too long before other parents are discussing this with you.

    Kind regards, Justine

     

     

    #47018 Report

    Rose1980
    Participant

    Hello there, I was in a violent relationship(physically and mentally) didn’t have no family support and had that for  for 10 years,  with my eldest daughters dad who is 19 now, from the age of 16 and I never thought I would be free of him. I was scared to go out the house, always looking over my shoulder, aniexty levels were through the roof constantly. Would just like to say things do get easier and your fear in time will become something of the past, maybe try talking to a councillor will help?  Sending lots of hugs x

    #47757 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Hi, I hope you’ve been ok all this time.

    It’s really hard,I’ve been there,still do occasionally.It’s usually when youv’e neglected yourself I bet,or too much stress & worry.Anger management and all that doesn’t  help bc there’s always something underneath that’s causing the anger.In your case from what you’ve written I imagine it’s fear.Mbe try to be kind to yourself,(but sometimes even that takes too much headspace),a good therapist who understands you can be a lifeline.Sending you love❤

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