Please help me

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum Please help me

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #62971 Report

    4kidsandfailingthem
    Participant

    I’ve just registered. Please help me. I can’t do this. I can’t keep afloat anymore. I left my narc ex 6 months ago after trying for a couple of years. He wasn’t violent but has ripped me to shreds mentally. Im a shell of the person I used to be.

    I have 4 beautiful kids. The older 2 are wonderful (21 & 14) and give me so much help. My younger ones are 3 & 2 and exceptionally demanding. They are my recent exes kids. The older 2 are mine only.

    ex is vile and uses the children to hurt me at every single opportunity. Im fully aware my younger ones behaviour is a response to his inconsistency and mixed messages. (He doesn’t show up for contact, doesn’t phone, just doesn’t appear with no word) the kids struggle with his behaviour and take it out on me.

    im mentally and physically spent. I do get help from my kids and my mum but it’s rare I’m not with at least 1 of them. The younger ones don’t sleep and are in bed with me at night as well.

    I know this is long and garbled… I just can’t do this anymore. My 3 year old screams that he hates me all the time and screams for his dad constantly. Logically I know it’s because he feels abandoned but it’s tearing me apart. Im not good enough to keep going.

    please help me. The tears won’t stop.

    #62973 Report

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey hon.

    Just read your post. I’m sitting here more than eight years after I left a narcissistic partner feeling peaceful on a Sunday morning with two teens asleep.

    I went to hell and back with ex partner and like you had to rebuild myself from the ‘shell’ that you speak about.

    But so many years later I’m aware of things being very peaceful, daughter and I got through G.C.S.E.S in the middle of a pandemic. And despite constant long distance berating from my ex, eleven months home schooling and many years living on less than 12,000 a year due to economic abuse, she got nine A stars in her G.C.S.Es and is in the main a happy young woman.

    I am probably much older than you, so have different challenges in terms of energy, health etc.

    But what I’m wanting to tell you this morning is YES, YOU CAN.

    It is going to be a long road, but you got this.

    And single parent forums like this are here so that we can help each other.

    My best friend over the last couple of years has been a large, A 4 notebook.

    I write the date on the top of the page every day, carry it in my handbook and make a list of things to do. And when I feel as if I’m doing nothing with my life I look at the ticks on it (include every small thing, like loading the washing machine) – and see what I have achieved that day.

    Weekends can be touch with kids, especially with young kids and you are going to need to tackle this step by step as I’m sure others will come along and say.

    Monday mornings may be a bit easier as by the sounds of it you have two going to school?

    And again as others might say, your free child care provision at nursery/primary attached to school is not far away (or maybe you have it already).

    The key is to problem-solve. One step at a time.

    Try to identify what your priorities are in terms of things that might be worrying you. And tackle the issues one by  one by gathering advice and suggestions as to how to do that.

    For example, are you most concerned about your housing situation?

    Family Court?

    Finances?

    What comes first?

    In general the website THE NURTURING COACH is brilliant for learning how to deal with a narcissistic ex. Do advise you to look at it, I’ll be checking this thread for the next half an hour to see if you are okay and see if there is anything I can help with.

    I also recommend you to join Frolo the single parent network.

    #62974 Report

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also, you may not wish to go into detail but why are you looking after your ex’s kids?

    Especially if they are so difficult. You may not wish to go into it on here but no wonder you feel stretched.

    #62984 Report

    4kidsandfailingthem
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your kind reply  Equanimity.
    I worded things very poorly, all 4 children are mine, the youngest two he is the father of. Sorry for the confusion.

    im in cbt to help me to move forward. It’s the exhaustion of 2 high needs toddlers plus his mind games and negligence of our children. This mornings black hole was triggered by him asking about Christmas. My 2 older kids will not have anything to do with him for a wide variety of reasons and I accept and support their decisions. He has decided he should be here all Xmas, “to see his kids” the kids he’s not appeared for 5 times in 6 weeks in order to go on coke binges.

    he’s now threatening suicide again (a tender point for me having lost 2 of my younger siblings to it) I know it’s emotional abuse and manipulation. He’s even pulled me into mediation despite access and contact being unrestricted just to make sure maximum headspace is taken up by him.

    I can’t deal with it all. It’s too much. I’m seriously depressed and anxious as a result of the relationship and leaving took every ounce of strength. I just can’t keep fighting. I’m too tired. I can’t be a good mum when I feel this low all the time.

    #62986 Report

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh dear. Will pm you now.

    #63011 Report

    I needaliein
    Participant

    Hi, Just a small note to say, you aren’t failing your kids. You’re the parent who stays, who is consistent, who does care, who carries on even when every day & night seems like an impossible struggle. It sounds really, really hard for you and the kids right now, but it will get easier, just hang in there.

    If you can get any extra funded childcare so you have some respite it may help. If you have any close friends you can vent to on the phone occasionally, or who can pop round for a cuppa once the youngest 1s are in bed it could help? For me, having people who care about me to counter the negative nonsense my ex comes out with, just gives me a better perspective about what I am doing right and a bit of mental strength to deal with the situation. My ex is also very erratic with contact but very demanding when it suits him, and it is really hard emotionally & in practical terms on me & LO. I also get the backlash from his inconsistencies and poor example.

    What you’re going through is so hard, please don’t think you are the one who is failing. Every day your kids are fed, clean (ish at times!), dressed (mostly!) and loved, when frankly none of you are feeling at your best, is an absolute triumph.

    If you achieve anything else each day, even if it’s one wee by yourself or drinking 1 cuppa that’s still hot, that is a bonus to be cherished 🙂

     

    #63017 Report

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    would go with previous poster.

    sound advice

    #63024 Report

    Andrew uk
    Participant

    Good morning. Hope you are okay. 🙂

    #63026 Report

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Good morning from me too. Hope your Monday is going ok so far. Keep posting.

    #63044 Report

    L
    Participant

    Hi

    I read your original post and wanted to check in to see how YOU were doing? We are all here for each other on this forum.

    Sounds like u are doing an amazing job raising your children.  Remember that always xx

    #63053 Report

    GingerbreadHelen
    Keymaster

    Hi 4kids, Please look out for a private message from me. Best wishes

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)

Log in or register to reply to this thread

Log In Register