Please help me

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  • #54734 Report

    Girlracer
    Participant

    Hi i left my emotionally abusive husband 8 months ago after little one whos 3 told my friend daddy gets angry and daddy makes mummy cry my husband had smashed things up and shouted etc slapped doors walked out and left me in tears id go to bed crying and he never bothered or id sleep in little ones room desperate for everything to go back to normal whatever normal was i told him i wasnt happy and things needed to change we had been trying for a baby stupidly i guess i thought it might make everything better however it made it worse he has issues in that department because of type 1 diabetes and hed get angry if his bits didnt work so made me less want to even try i desperately wanted to go back on the pill but he had allowed me to start going out one evening with our mutual male friend and i knew he would say it was cause of him i even contemplated not telling him i just needed a break from it all because it was starting to make me feel down when that time of the month happened

    Anyway i now receive about 50 calls a night with accusations of me having another man etc he has contact with little one every wed teatime and all day saturdays he says hes homeless because of me

    Ive had a solicitor letter from him proposing every fri night sat allday and sat nights every weekend our child has never spemt one night away from home let alone 2 also stated the contact would happen at his parents house

    I dont see that its in little ones best interests to do this every weekend as once at school hed never see my family nor his cousins he adores unless during the week which wouldnt be practical regarding school or a sunday wed have no late nights to go to places for a meal or cinema trips etc

    Please can anyone help me

    I was going to propose wed teas thats fine and then every friday night and all day saturday and drop home sat 4pm but im worried he will use this to just keep him the Saturday night anyway

    Or is it better to put to start every friday night and all day saturday to eventually switch to every other weekend for the 2 nights

    I struggle making decisions and i only want whats best for out little boy but husbamd also uses child contact to still abuse me with constant calls accusing me of being with someone else etc and if i dont answer has used our little boy by leaving a voicemail asking why mummy wasnt answering

    Please can anyone advise

    I want to make the transition to overnights as smooth as possible for everyone involved

    #54735 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    I think him demanding to have child every weekend is unfair. as surely child would like to spend time with families of both parents. If you go through the family courts you will experience that they will give an every other weekend arrangement, and a mid-week visit or overnight, if other parent can manage that around work commitments. When I was going through it they allowed child to start overnights from age 2.5. It was a slow build up. First was 1 night, every other weekend for 3-6 months. then it became 2 nights every other weekend.

    #54738 Report

    Pebbles
    Participant

    Hi Girlracer

    Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be really stressful trying to deal with the abuse, your emotions and trying to do what is best for your child.

    Have you thought about speaking to a Family Lawyer? They may be able to give some pointers regarding the frequency of contact.

    Also maybe consider applying for a non-molestation order to stop the emotional/verbal abuse.  There are many Domestic Abuse charities who would advise whether this is the best option. They may also be willing to offer support with the access issue.  Hestia and Solace are two charities that I can think of, I will have a look online. Or maybe the Moderators have links for the charities.

    I hope that you can sort the issue out soon x

    #54739 Report

    Pebbles
    Participant

    https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

    The above website is probably a good place to start regarding the abuse.

    I hope that it’s helpful for you.

     

     

    #54748 Report

    kipo
    Participant

    Hi girlracer, this sounds like a hard situation which is compounded by his verbal abuse.

    I would definitely recommend speaking to a solicitor as mentioned, I went to a local solicitor in my town so I don’t have a recommendation but I did get a free 30 min consultation which helped clarify things somewhat and helped me understand what I could / couldn’t do.

     

     

    #54749 Report

    kipo
    Participant

    As steve3334 says, overnights away from home are quite a big deal for 3 year old and probably would need to build up over time rather than start immediately.  Sometimes the solicitors know this and are just using the big demands as a negotiating tool.

    I don’t have experience of negotiating this with a solicitor, and I can guess the abuse must make it hard/difficult to negotiate with your kid’s dad.  I wonder if anyone here has negotiated with the solicitor direct?

    I sometimes find its better just to arrange a call and find out more about what they really expect but it really depends on the solicitor as to whether it’s worthwhile.  I’d go softly softly and see if the solicitor sounds reasonable and open to negotiation.  Having a phone call doesn’t commit you to anything and the solicitor may privately know more about the dad’s wishes.

    It seems like there are two parts to this one is the end game custody schedule and one is how you build up to that for a young boy.

     

    Have you thought about one weekend on one weekend off?  That works for some people as it can be easier to work around.  Although at the beginning people tend to have gremlins about being away from their kids too long, later on it can work well as can make it easier to make plans with family on both sides.

     

    Good luck and let us know how you get on x

     

     

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