Please help, any advice would be appreciated :)

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  • #52479 Report


    Hi everyone,

    This is my first time doing this, so I apologise if this is very long, but here goes…

    Thought I’d start with some background information to set the scene. I am now 28 years old, and 2 years ago, my ‘finance’ of 6 years, left me and my (now 7 year old) son for a much younger (21 at the time) girl, after I found out, via text messages on his phone, he had been having an affair with her. Within an hour of me finding out, he was gone, no explanation, no nothing, I quite literally hardly ever saw him again.  He moved in with his girlfriend and her mum after only a couple of months, and they have finally only just moved into their own rented house.  He left me to sell our house by myself, not one bit of help, he became very distant from our son, picking and choosing when he saw him, sometimes going up to 6 weeks without seeing him.

    This continued up until about a month ago, when he suddenly came up with a ‘master plan’, that he wanted to have our son, every Wednesday night, and alternate weekends. However, we both work 12 hour shifts (I am currently on furlough), and he lives around 14miles away from our sons school. The plan he came up with would work perfectly for a separated family who work regular hours, and the same days each week, but we don’t, which is why I have reservations about it, as there will be weekends when my sons dad is working all weekend when he is due to have him , and again there will be Wednesday’s he will be at work when our son should be there.

    He has refused to meet up with me and discuss this new plan, leaving me feeling a bit stuck. I agree my son needs to see his dad regularly, but my main issue is that I am giving up some weekends, and some school nights, for my ex’s girlfriend to spend time with my son, whilst his dad is working. I feel like I should only be giving up my time with him, for him to spend time with his dad, not his dads girlfriend. Therefore when his dad is at work, I feel like my son should be with me.

    He is extremely nasty to me, mentally abuses me via text message, he tries to make me feel like the worst mum in the entire world, and he really really drags me down.

    Please can anyone offer any advice? Am I going crazy for not liking the fact I am giving up time with my son, for my son to spend time with his dads this normal? Please help.

    Thank you xxx

    #52481 Report


    Every other weekend is a good idea . Also it is a significant amount of time where he will be with his dad. However if he is working on a wednesday during term time some weeks then there would be no point contact taking place as he wont be there.

    Its in his interests to discuss this with you and chat to you about work rota or he will end up with less contact than he is asking for

    #52484 Report


    Hi Hannah, don’t listen to his abuse, he’s the one who decided to disappear from his son’s life! Respond only in a neutral way about the practical stuff and eventually he’ll stop the abusive messages because he’s not getting a reaction from you.

    It’s totally natural and appropriate that you don’t want your son spending time with his dad’s girlfriend. She has no rights or responsibilities in relation to your son. You could agree to alternate weekends, Wednesdays when he’s not working and time in the holidays when he can have your son, but say no to what doesn’t feel right. He can look at getting a court order, but refuse mediation on the grounds of abuse.

    Stay strong. X

    #52485 Report


    Ridiculous.This is just him trying to exercise control over you.

    If you think it benefits your son to be babysat by a woman-a stranger- he barely knows,then great.Is she a nice person? You probably don’t even know.How can this be safe?

    If there’s no court order here please keep in mind You,and only you are the boss.Remember,he Left you.

    So subconsciously even He trusts you to do what’s right for his son.Trust your gut.You are absolutely correct that your son should be spending time with his dad but not at the expense of your emotions or your child’s safety.His father has no right to be disrespectful or mistreating you.He should be ashamed of himself.

    I obv don’t know if your son is pining for his dad ,which adds pressure on you, but I would make it clear to his dad that this is no way to behave and until he treats you better and you come to a sensible agreement which actually benefits you -or dare I say it?you-…he can go fly a kite.x 💗 It’s not easy.Good Luck.


    #52486 Report


    *meant to say ‘which actually benefits your son…’

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