Please help :(
14 January 2021 at 7:50 pm #48155
Bit of a long one. I’m in such a dark and sad place right now, and feel like my world has been turned upside down. I have no clue how to start moving forward, feel completely suffocated with hurt and am concerned for the future ahead.
I met the loveliest man early last year, following a series of unfortunate event, and we just “clicked”. The connection we had was amazing. He understood, he was emotionally mature, supportive, attentive, had lovely morals and we just worked. However, he did move very quickly. Told me I was the person he had spent all his life searching for and he knew i was “the one”, very very early in the relationship. I’m a sucker for romance and was completely swept off my feet by this man who actually wanted me in his life. When we went into the first lockdown, he was made redundant and he came to stay with me and my 3 older children, he lives 2.5 hours away so it made sense as his company car was taken back and being a midwife, I worked very unsociable hours to be making the journey. We discussed our future at length, he was adamant i was to be his wife and was very “pushy” about us having a baby. I had always wanted another child but my children where now older and I had a lot of independence to be able to work etc, additionally I have brought them children up alone and never wanted to be in that position again. In fact, it became a fear. Therefore, I wanted us to wait a year at least and be married before we had a baby. He didn’t want to do that and was quite “pushy” about us having a baby sooner. He assured me constantly and I felt he loved me immensely. So I trusted that I would have this lovely life he promised me. We moved to a bigger house in the may, and not long after I was pregnant. He kept his rented place 2.5 hours away, which annoyed me as he wasn’t financially contributing to the bigger house, or his baby. It caused arguments in the pregnancy as i felt he wasn’t as committed as he should be. The arguments would lead to him going back to his place for a few weeks. But he would always come back and reassure me of the love he had for me and the baby. All his previous partners have kicked him out leaving him with nothing so therefore he claimed to be insecure that would happen again. When I was 28 weeks pregnant, i came home from work to find he had left. We spent the next 2 weeks in contact but I was so frustrated that he had left me alone again. And all the stresses of finances began to get worse the closer I came to having the baby. The third week of him being gone, we didn’t really talk all that much. He had become cold and what i felt was emotionally detached. I was taken into hospital with threatened premature labour. He didn’t come to the hospital 🙁 7 hours later, the contractions stopped and I came home, angry at him for his lack of care about me or his baby. The following week, i begged for him to come home. Was hysterically crying on facetime most days. He then told me he didn’t love me anymore. 3 days after telling me he didn’t want to lose me? I told him i couldn’t financially or emotionally have this baby on my own and mentioned adoption. He jumped at it and told me to have the baby adopted. Said he wouldn’t have a relationship with it anyway and he didn’t want to be on the birth certificate. I left him alone a while. Then xmas day, i messaged him telling him how i missed him and wanted him to be with us, how much i loved him. His reply was absolutely shocking. He told me he was fooling himself that ge ever did love me and that there will never be an us again. Told me not to message him again unless it was about the baby. My full world came crashing down. How had this amazing man become so cold? I then asked him what his intentions were regarding the birth and the baby. To which he blocked my number and any other form of contact. He also blocked all my family so I had no way of contacting him. I haven’t heard a single thing from him since then and it is absolutely breaking me. Was it all a lie? To what avail though? He said there was nobody else and the first few weeks of him being gone, we were constantly on the phone with him being loving still? I have reached out to the mother of his other child who he has twice a month, who has said he was very controlling and manipulative which was why she left him. Then came another ex who he has a child to, but yold me later in our relationship, telling me that child turned out not to be his! Following a discussion with her, that child is his child and when she left him, when the baby was 8 weeks old, he walked away from the baby too. He also has another child that is older but he was adopted by the mothers new partner so they could move to America. So this is his 4th baby, with 4 different women. As it stands, he only sees one and the mother claims she forced that relationship. I know i have been very foolish to trust this man so early on 🙁 and I feel immense guilt for my unborn baby. But he really was so convincing that I still can’t accept it was a lie? My whole family loved him and he told them how he was going to marry me and never leave my side etc. He was so invested in the pregnancy, me and my older children. It just doesn’t feel real. I’m now nearly 36 weeks pregnant and for the last nearly 8 weeks, I have cried myself to sleep every night and struggling to function through the days. I’ve tried absolutely everything to move forward but I am so confused about what has happened. I would be grateful if anyone could shed any light or come up with anything that I may not of thought of? I can’t face anything to do with the baby as it just hurts so much that I’m doing it alone 🙁 when we had so many happy plans for the future. I’m truly devastated 😢.14 January 2021 at 9:55 pm #48161
Wow. This all sounds absolutely horrendous. But to me it is crystal clear that he is a massive hindrance to you. You deserve so much more.
You WILL get over him and the whole situation but it will take time, and strength. It sounds like he has a history of being an idiot. All yu can do now is learn from it and recognise those red flags. Expect absolutely nothing from him, and seek support elsewhere, not from him. You can do this and will do it so much better without him.
It must be really hard what with lockdown. Give yourself time to cry, it is absolutely fine to be feeling awful but please trust in the healing process. Please talk to your midwife about this too, you are not alone.
You need to find some strength from somewhere, and without knowing u it is hard to know what to suggest. But i am a firm believer in a good cry, a rant to a friend, fresh air. Get up, get dressed, make up on and deep breaths. I am also a firm believer in counselling. If you are in a real pickle you can call NHS 111 option 2 for the mental health crisis team who are amazing.
you have got this, bit by bit, hour by hour,
day by day. There is light there xx14 January 2021 at 10:10 pm #48163
I read this and just cannot think of anything that I could say that would make me feel better if I were to be in your shoes.It’s no wonder you feel the way you wrote,I would too! You must be devastated.I think all you can do right now is treat yourself really well,this has all happened to you in a very difficult year remember.doesn’t matter if you wallow somewhat,you are allowed,you must be feeling rotten.Unless you have some really close friends/fam you can talk to,or even as well as, I wld find a counsellor otherwise you might be ruminating forever & finding ugly thoughts taking over your life.And really you will want to move on from this patch.Bad times are not forever.Don’t blame yourself at all-everybody wants to be ‘swept off their feet!Good luck & thinking of you.14 January 2021 at 10:50 pm #48166
hi, please seek counselling as others advised. that loser should not be allowed to play with peoples lives like this.
probably not right time now, but later look to make him financially responsible for your child.15 January 2021 at 3:25 am #48170
I feel for you and am so sorry that you have been left to cope on your own during your pregnancy and it definitely can’t be good for your unborn child to be absorbing the negative energy that he left you feeling. I cannot believe how rampant narcissism is nowadays. A narcissist’s job is to destroy you, they are emotionally unstable beings and its the only way they can function, by feeding off your energy and destroying you makes them feel powerful. It is sick, but count yourself lucky that this evil soul didn’t destroy years and years of your life. Some great advice from Rosy Cheeks; trust in the healing process, you sound like a kind gentle soul anyway and it always helps to see your despair with kindness!
Do you have any family or friends to support you through this difficult time? Forget him, just think yourself lucky and question after knowing what he is really like, would you even actually want him to be a part of you and your child’s life? He has already proven that he cannot be trusted and all those weeks away when he was leaving you, how can you be sure he was alone, I don’t mean that in a harsh way but nobody is head over heels with you one week and then changes their mind the next, he sounds like a player.
You sound like a lovely person and a warm soul, you deserve so much better. Just think of the future of you and your child to come, and you’re a mother already so celebrate this. Its a sad thing that you’ve been put in this hurtful place when you are pregnant thou. when you should be feeling your happy self during this time. Although it is important for you to go through the grieving process, counselling as others have said would be very beneficial, although it sounds so cliche, it really helps.
As you said yourself, you’ve learnt from the experience, maybe a blessing in disguise. At least you will never let anyone destroy you like that again, when you’re ready you will attract the right person for you. There is always help at hand when you need it, you are not alone. Like someone else said, I don’t know you so am not sure what else to suggest to help make it easier for you at this time. What is the help that YOU want? when someone says please help, it is often something specific, if there is anything, no matter how big or small just ask. There are so many empathetic people on here and out there who have been through the same or a similar experience, just be careful thou of course and remember time is definitely a healer too.
p.s. feel free to PM if you would like to exchange numbers, its always good to talk and sometimes talking to a stranger really helps too. If we are local to each other I’d be happy to do a meetup. I’ve had a covid negative test recently and have hardly been out except for when I rarely go cycling sometimes. Obviously, we have to respect the Covid rules, but I would be happy to assist in anyway if I can. I know how it feels to be rejected, sad, lonely and pregnant, been there, done that.. I promise you, it will get better. Take Care. x