Picking her up less and less

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  • #60094 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    Me and ex made an arrangement for him to have contact with our daughter one day over the weekend each week since he left in June.

    He was very controlling and manipulative particularly towards the end of our relationship and the breakup and is still trying to be now using the little one as a means to try and still get to me but I am largely rising above it all.

    He is asking for more contact with little one. However he doesn’t have the living facilities to accommodate her so once a week is enough at present in her best interests.

    However… He has cancelled 3 out of the next 6 weeks visits and now says he will not collect little one from where she has to be while I work 😕 which means in 7 weeks he will see her once? While asking to increase contact and saying its my fault his and her relationship is breaking down? He has already cancelled things since he left so it isn’t the first time.

    Where the hell do I start getting legal advice. I’m terrified of mediation as I struggle to even talk to him (I actual had to call the police at one point during the break up due to his behaviour) and know he will manipulate the situation massively but I truley want what is best for my girl. Not a halfway house situation with a mastermind of deviation trying to string pull. I don’t know anything about legal aid. I’m now on uc working part time to make sure she’s looked after and god will she be.

    He either needs to pull his weight or not.

    #60141 Report

    GingerbreadHelen
    Keymaster

    Hi Privatelady, I’m one of the moderators here on the forum. I hope you’ll connect with other parents soon but meanwhile, I think you will find it useful to give our helpline a call:

    ·       Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925. Opening hours:  Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 (11.30 opening this week) & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4  They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered

    https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/helpline/

    best wishes, Helen

    #60144 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    when someone is being very inconsistent with seeing kids, I think it’s better if you leave the ball in their court and get on with life. with court, they can not force a non-resident parent to see their kids. if he is not available and your struggling with work, then perhaps you would have to consider other childcare options.

    #60164 Report

    Privatelady
    Participant

    The mediation and court process will more be so that the plan is set and he cannot manipulate me, play the blame game- it’s your fault my daughter isn’t as close to me as she used to be because she lives with you, it goes on. I’m getting it almost weekly, she doesn’t see me enough, it’s your fault and then the next day cancelling future visits. It’s to set days for phonecall so he’s not ringing me constant. He needs to be ringing to speak to his child, not to shout at me while she’s in the room.  This hasn’t been a typical end of relationship as per se, it’s been one full of gaslighting and emotional abuse/manipulation to me for a long time. It’s not about him neccassarally not showing up either. It’s about a plan being set that is set, in stone. I’m hoping it can stop the manipulation then. I want him to see his daughter

     

    childcare is not an issue. She goes where she has always gone since she was 6 months old. There was never an issue her being there for him to work when he was here? the issue is It just crosses with his access day once a fortnight so she will be there first thing, have breakfast and then he will collect her. It’s turned into a “I’m not getting her from there, only from you”, well sorry that’s where she is until you get there. I have to work to keep the bills paid and can’t drop any more hours.

     

    #60187 Report

    blueblazers58
    Participant

    This is very difficult because he’s using your desire to give your daughter what you think she needs to further abuse you, I’ve been there. You need to consider that an abuser will likely abuse anyone they are in close contact with, not just you and that will include your daughter.

    If you can get some legal advice then that would be the best thing, mediation won’t be suitable if there has been abuse and would he turn up anyway? Also reach out to a domestic abuse service. Set some boundaries, decide on a fair schedule and stick to it, maybe try to offer an extra afternoon or an extra day every other week if possible. Don’t accept calls that are not on the schedule and try to communicate only by email so you’ve got evidence for future use and it will help with gaslighting. Don’t plan your life around him having your daughter, he’ll take great pleasure in ruining your plans, assume he won’t turn up. Only respond to things which are directly relevant to your child and ignore everything else. If he genuinely wants a relationship with his child he’ll cooperate with you and sort things out or take it to court himself.

    Good luck, it can get better.

    #60200 Report

    GingerbreadLola
    Moderator

    Hi Private Lady.  I’m one of the moderators on the forum.  In noticed one of my colleagues suggested you can ring the Gingerbread helpline.  Also,   you can ring the Women’s Aid domestic violence helpline for support  on 0808 2000 247.  Here’s a link to their website.  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

     

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