Paying husband to look after kids

[Anneke]

I have been married for almost 16 years. In all my married life, I have hardly had any finacial support from my husband who has never managed to work. Eventually we seperated. He found work and basically left us to look after himself. I hired a baby sitter who I obviously had to pay. During this time my husband quit his job (no surprises) and was without work again, so offered to help with the kids, which I initially thought could work as they missed him. BUT now I have to pay him so that he can keep paying his rent as he refuses to move back with us (as I am such an aweful wife) and complains I am paying him to little. What really bothers me is that we married for better or for worse. He also has a bit of a porn habit – I am not entirely sure how bad it is but I have accidently found images on his phone I would REALLY not have liked to see. Having said this, he is good with the kids and I can still see a good man in there. When is enough enough? I go between being convinced divorce is the only way to set me free from a clearly toxic relationship and feeling incredibly guilty at being the one who will break up out marraige. When do you know when to push through, and when to end it – I am so confused. Thank you

[moonwhisper]

I  was in a similar situation for 13 yrs, my children’s father hardly worked and I supported us. I got to the stage where I just felt like you get in life what you are willing to tolerate. I worked on my self-esteem and my confidence and I broke up with him.  I still look back and wonder how I was okay with that. I do know that it was my own lack of self-worth that was the problem. A toxic relationship is never okay to stay in, full stop. You deserve better, the children deserve better and your husband needs to learn how to be an adult.

 

 

[Anneke]

Thank you for this – that is so encouraging!

[CarolWales]

I totally second what moonwhisper is saying! This does not sound like a good situation and I don’t think you should be paying him to look after his own children! I too was the one earning the money and it is very stressful! But I think being paid to look after your own children creates a very strange kind of relationship and to be honest, it doesn’t sound like he’d get another job if you stopped paying him, so he’d still have time to spend with them, only as a parent, not a childminder!

[Author]

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