Partners kids are damaging our relationship
10 February 2021 at 9:33 am #49336
Hi, I would really appreciate some honest advice pls as I feel stuck…
(sorry..rather long actually!)
my partner and I have been together for 2.5yrs. His wife divorced him (thought grass was greener and she had affairs) 4yrs ago and took him to the cleaners.He has two daughters now 13 and 15.
I divorced 18 months ago (separated for 3yrs) and have 5 kids (19,17,14,11,8). He and I have been through so much together – my messy divorce, his difficult ex, I lost my job, was almost homeless, had 2 miscarriages. Yet through it all we have stayed together. In middle of last year we moved away and in our first house together (we were going to move in together the previous year but his girls made massive fuss and so he didn’t which almost broke us then). So we now have a house 3 hrs away from his ex and their girls. My eldest lives away, my second child (17)lives with us permanently and my other 3 spilt their time between us and my ex.
I had to go through another horrendous court case to sort my child arrangements in summer last year following the move and my partner is going back to court next month to sort his arrangements as (his ex never encourages the girls to come) and now his girls never want to come here.
we have taken all of our kids on numerous holidays together, his girls have their own beds here and are always welcome.
I have to plan my life rigidly having so many people to consider yet my partner breezes in and out and is basically flexible when it comes to plans (I find this impossible!)
so each time we are expecting his girls (supposed to be every other weekend) they will leave to tell us until the day before and usually they are not coming and often my partner will drive 3 hrs to their town and stay for a few days (with his parents) to see them without consulting me and I’m left to amend plans, explain to my kids why he’s just left and hope he decides to return.
we had huge row about it 3 weeks ago as he says im unsupportive and over react each time he ups and leaves. Yet his girls say they hate my kids (they are introverted and mine are the opposite!), yet when they do spend time together they are all fine and as thick as thieves!
he left for a week to be near his girls 2 weeks ago and they are meant to come down this weekend for half term yet they said they are not coming so today he left again!!
I have tried to make it clear that we can’t live like this. I’ve considers the supper I offer him and compromised by saying his girls could come for their one weekend a month (proposal in court case up and coming court case) when my kids are not here but still they refuse.
I’m fed up with him not discussing the issues with me, allowing his girls to choose whether they come or not (he says he can’t make them but I don’t think he really wants to try as he avoids conflict) and springing on me at the last minute his decision to leave for a few days at a time.
I don’t feel im being unreasonable asking for a few days notice for plans to be made or altered. I’m trying to create a stable environment for my kids and yet his behaviour is erratic and my kids feel like his girls are not interested in them and take it personally.
it makes me so mad that he and his ex always default to the girls to make decisions that i then have to always be ok with. It’s wearing me down but I just don’t know what to do.
he always takes his girls out for dinner /shopping etc and yet they only contact him when they want something…then he says all the kids should be treated the same but disciplines my kids at home !! Double standards!
he also said post court case he may take his kids away alone… why? They certainly don’t deserve to go away and how do I explain to my kids that they can’t go away (I can’t afford it) and why does he want to leave me out of spending time with his kids when they apparently like me?
I just don’t know how to move forward. I love my partner but he’s very introverted, says he agrees his girls should stay with us but then facilitates them not needing to by driving up to see them when they say no.
his girls have no boundaries, they don’t do anything to help on the odd occasion they do come and expect my kids will be on their best behaviour!
it’s so draining but I’m at a loss as to how to compromise (although I already have)…when neither he nor his ex will stick to a plan.10 February 2021 at 10:39 am #49340
I think a major problem is that your partner lives 3 hours away from his children. They are 13 and 15 and i could imagine a 6 hour round trip may now that they are teenagers is offputting. Also where he only sees them every other weekend it maybe they just want to spend quality time with their dad on his own.
Maybe it is a good idea he travels up to see them every other weekend as after that he would be with you for the remainder . Have you considered changing your children seeing their father same weekend as your partner sees his children.