Painful thinking of ex moving on!

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  • #10494 Report

    littlemonkey
    Participant

    so, I am currently driving myself mad thinking about how easy it is for my ex to move on; he works in a large office full of sociable, young, attractive women (one of whom he was ‘just friends’ with during our relationship, who – he told me after we’d spilt up – “if he could, he would” (she was in a relationship, although not sure if she still is?! I’ve always felt uneasy about their friendship as it was also a very secretive one) He is also able to go out whenever he likes as he now lives back with his parents, so has disposable income and single friends on tap. He is a good looking bloke and can be very charming. So I know he will have no trouble meeting someone new. I already strongly suspect that the next person is already on the scene – he became friends on facebook a few weeks ago with a random 20 year old (he’s 31, I’m 38) so that was a kick in the teeth. Clearly someone he’s met on a night out!

    Apart from all of the rubbish emotions that come with him leaving me and my daughter, I am also really struggling to suppress my bitter and painful thoughts about him moving on with someone else. I am ‘housebound’ for 12 out of 14 nights because I have my daughter at home, so realistically my only chance of meeting someone is online (which I’ve had a look at and everyone just looks odd, and not what I am looking for 🙁) On my child free weekends I see my friends, but we go for meals or to the cinema (they are all married and settled) so I’m not likely to meet someone that way. I also work for a very small company made up of women. So although I’m in no rush to meet someone, I’m angry at a) how easy it is for him, and b) I can’t bear the thought of him moving on, yet I know it’s a reality that I am going to have to face soon

    Not sure what advice I am looking for! Mainly I just wanted to get my feelings written down. Afterall, a problem shared…

    #10495 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Feel sorry for you. Not sure I can do anything practical apart from say I’ll listen anytime you want to chat.

    #10498 Report

    littlemonkey
    Participant

    Thank you Empty x

    #10506 Report

    littlemonkey
    Participant

    Anonymous – thank you! You have reduced me to tears, but in a good way. Your words are so true, and although I will take some time to ‘let go’ of the thoughts and feelings I have you have definitely given me some things to think about. I am having a tough morning – little one didn’t sleep well last night, and my first thought this morning (albeit a probably tired, irrational one) was ‘I had little sleep, got a little bit cross with my daughter because she wouldn’t let me sleep, and he is probably led in bed with some other woman – or at least led in bed sleeping soundly!. Isn’t life so much easier/better for him’ 🙁

    May I ask what you mean by your ex now has what you wanted? I only ask because I often wonder if my ex will ever regret his decision, or at least realise how hard it has been for me?!

    Thank you again x

    #10526 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    He will definitely regret it and soon enough he will probably do the same to her or she will realise her mistake.  Can i ask would you take him back if he regretted it? Did it appear easy for him to leave you and your daughter?

    #10527 Report

    littlemonkey
    Participant

    I would take him back, yes. I don’t think I realised how hard it would be without him. He isn’t a monster – we’d been drifting apart for about a year before he left, however we still did everything together (holidays, family events, days out etc) and although him leaving when he did was a shock (I guess I assumed that we would drift back together, rather than him upping and leaving) I suppose in hindsight it was always going to be the outcome. I should have done more in those 12 months to make it work – I did ask him on a couple of occasions to give us another go, but he always maintained that it was too late for him. I certainly have regrets about how things have turned out, and where I played my part in the relationship breakdown. However he has never put his hands up to his part. Of course he isn’t perfect either – there were lots of things that upset and frustrated me in the relationship, as well as that woman ‘friend’ being something that I found hard to accept; not because I am jealous or possessive, but more that he kept the whole thing so private. If it was innocent then surely she’d have been a part of our lives, as friends always are! He blames me entirely and even refuses to take some onus for how him leaving has affected our daughter. He puts her clinginess with me, as well as her inability to now sleep on her own, down to me being too soft with her!!

    I can’t possibly say whether him leaving was easy for him, I guess I will never know that. But from my point of view life is better for him now that he’s gone, and he has said recently to me that he is happier now 🙁

    #10528 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    I can relate to that. A lot of what you say was similar to me except it was my wife who left. I was devastated and I know I would take her back but I don’t know if it would be the right thing to do. We had our fair share of problems. We did the drifting apart and not talking thing and because I look after the kids more than her so they gravitate towards me which she found hard.

    #10597 Report

    littlemonkey
    Participant

    Westernchampion – its hard isn’t it. You’d take them back, but deep down you also know that things would probably turn sour again. Then again, we don’t have the choice anyway! I would just love to be in a position where I have the choice and can make a decision based on what is right for everyone, rather than being in this horrible reality where I have zero control and I feel as though life is just happening to me

    Anonymous – I’m so pleased that you are happy. It sounds like you’ve taken your time getting there, but it’s great to know that there is hope. Hope that one day I’ll be genuinely happy, without a care about what my ex is doing/seeing etc

    #10739 Report

    Torisnails
    Participant

    This is like reading my autobiography. I’m in a carbon copy situation and although I feel I can advise you on what to do, think etc. I know I would struggle to hear the same advice.

    I think about my ex (20 years together) 24-7. Even though I left and bought my own house in January.

    Ive ripper myaelf aoart about how I didn’t do enough and how I should have made more effort, when deep down I know his relationship with a female co worker broke us beyond repair!

    sonce I left (the house rake went through three weeks ago) he has been shmoozing another female co worker who surprise surprise l ft her husband (they got married last year) in january.

    to make matters worse, I went out with frito new for a meal on Saturday and saw said woman who looked amazing: tall, slim, pretty and barrels of fun. She was dancing with her perfectly manicured nails wrapper around a cocktail, skirt up her arse and long toned legs all over.

    It literally made me sick with jealousy

    I k ow he is not worthy of me deep down, but that doesn’t stop me hurting at him entertaining someone else.

    the pain is unbearable.

    My advice, if only I could take it myself, is to stop any thoughts of him with her, stop looking in social media and torturing yourself and focus on you and your daughter.

    Make you a priority and in time, he will realise what a huge mistake he has made. You may or may not be prepared to fix things when that happens. Who knows. But in the meantime, don’t allow his decisions to impact on you xxx

    #10754 Report

    Amber2008
    Participant

    I feel EXACTLY the same! He is with his parents atm until he can find his own place and is loaded and can flash the cash! I am housebound when my son goes to bed. I do, like you, have friends I go out with and my family are really supportive but have no chance of meeting anyone else unlike my ex husband who can go out at the drop of a hat! I don’t know why I am so bitter and constantly think about his potential new partner and their future. I just can’t get it out my head. We were together 13 years, married 8 so I’ve known nothing different since the age of 22! it was an abusive relationship towards the end so best off for my son and I to be out of it but can’t help feeling hate and bitterness towards him about how he treated me but still plays the victim. Do you ever get over not thinking about what they are doing and who they are with etc???

    #10755 Report

    Amber2008
    Participant

    I think the same as you when I have a rough night with the little one thinking he is having a nice lyin etc!

    #10756 Report

    littlemonkey
    Participant

    Oh Torisnails, it’s heartbreaking to hear that you are in a similar position, but also comforting that I’m not alone. Why do (some) men find it so easy to move on? And they usually choose the girls/women who are the prettiest, sexiest…or sluttiest! I have blocked my ex on social media and have removed as many mutual ‘friends’ as I can – although we used to work together, so some people I can’t delete as I like seeing their posts and still have interaction with. I just dread the ones from future work nights out that are inevitably going to crop up 😞 I know what you mean about the pain – it’s physical isn’t it. It just hurts so much inside

    Please try and take your own advice because it’s very good advice! I’ve just given myself a little pep talk about how I will be OK, and how it obviously just wasn’t meant to be. As hard a pill as that is to swallow, swallow it I must. You will be fine too. We just need to work through the heartache and let those overwhelming moments catch us, and cry or talk to someone if needs be to get through it

    Good luck with making a fresh start in your new home. Here if you ever need to chat xx

    #10757 Report

    littlemonkey
    Participant

    Sorry your relationship was abusive, getting out must have been hard, but you and your son will be fine once you settle into your new routine and life Amber2008. You and I clearly think the same, and yes it is hard not to be bitter! The housebound part of single parenthood is not something I’d ever considered, until I was placed into this position. I love my daughter more than anything, and love knowing that she is tucked up in bed soundly, knowing that I’m downstairs. However not being able to ‘pop out’, and only being able to socialise on my free weekends, is bloody hard. I hope that we get over the worry of what they are up to, because I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy, or aiding our recovery. Roll on happier times eh 😒

    #11085 Report

    Alittleluck
    Participant

    I’m not sure if this will help you but I’m going through not too dissimilar things.

    my wife told me to leave the family home and my 3 children less than a month ago. Already she has met someone but to make matters worse my two young children are around it whilst my 14 year old stays at mates or at home.

     

    i would have thought that she would have sorted herself, the kids and situation out before moving on, she has been unhappy for some time.

    each day the seperation rips my heart in a slightly different way. It is hard and now I need to focus on going forward. I feel after my children revelled certain information I can draw a line. And I only wish she would sort things out.

    i really do feel for you and can’t really advise as hurting, however I think draw a line and make efforts to move forward.

    #11087 Report

    Shazney30
    Participant

    Hey all,

    My advice would be that don’t beat yourself up over feeling the way you do.

    I too went through a really difficult time. When my ex husband of almost 10 years met someone else whilst still living under the same roof as me. Was horrific. And only 2 weeks after we had split. Really sad that you can spend years with someone and they are able to switch up on you so quickly. I only properly found out about his new relationship when my then only 2 year old son came home and told me he had met “daddy’s new friend” just disgusting really that the father of my child thought it was appropriate to introduce a new person into my sons life so soon and without discussing it with me first. It really broke my heart not so much he had met someone else as he was abusive towards me for some time was a horrible relationship to be in. And I only realised afterwards just how bad the emotional abuse I suffered was. The thing that broke my heart was that he wasn’t thinking about our little boys feelings in what already was a confusing time for him.

    But yes I agree with you as it is far easier for the parent who spends less time with the children to find somoene new. Give yourself time to heal. In time when things are settled and you are in the right head space someone will come along. I’ve been split and single from my ex husband for 9 months now. And actually how I feel is i would rather be alone than be with a monster like I was with for years.

     

    Take care and if anyone wants to chat feel free to give me a message x

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)

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