Other parent taken a job changing visits

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  • #60979 Report

    Mumnson
    Participant

    I split up with my partner six years ago. For the first four years I struggled to get him to regularly see our son. He would cancel last minute change dates etc. Two years ago he split with the girl he had the affair with a met a new lady. His new partner is was lovely and she encouraged his and my sons relationship, For the first time since we split he was in a stable enough environment to be able to have our son for weekends and for the last two years he’s had him alternative weekends and sometimes during holidays. unfortunately about four months ago again due to his infidelity he and his partner broke up he moved back more local which was great as the travel before was around an hour each way.

    A few weeks ago he now decided to get a job for the first time in seven years (somewhere he previously got fired from) and despite him repeatedly telling me he had told them he needed alternative weekends off and which weekends they were, he dropped it on me yesterday four days before I am are due to go away for the weekend that he doesn’t have alternative weekends off that fall on our agreed weekends he has part of the other weekends off.

    now you may just think it’s simple swap the weekends and have just part of another weekend childfree. However, that’s not the case we have my partners other son own alternative weekends so it has for the last two years worked out we have both children together and then a childfree weekend. My exes new job means we will have one child one weekend the other child the other weekend no time to ourselves at all and it also put spanners in the works because our children want to see each other and they won’t at all also if we book and schedule things to do with the children and one child will miss out. For example we go to the zoo we book to go and see Christmas lights or pantomime so we either have to go twice at double cost or one child misses out which is not fair my ex doesn’t seem to realise the implications of what this has done I’m just keeps telling me he can’t change it for the moment because someone else who is a foster carer has the weekend off but he needs but apparently they’re leaving.

     

    For example we go to the zoo we book to go and see Christmas lights or pantomime so we either have to go twice at double cost or one child misses out which is not fair my ex doesn’t seem to realise the implications of what this has done I’m just keeps telling me he can’t change it for the moment because someone else who is a foster carer has the weekend off but he needs but apparently they’re leaving.

     

    I should also add my ex-husband has BPD and is a compulsive liar, So I have to take everything he says with a pinch of salt he’s never hold down a job for more than six months so I do have some solace in the fact that this will probably be the same but I’m just interested to know really we can’t change the other Childs days because they are set by court order as part of their divorce.

     

    so I have to take everything he says with a pinch of salt he’s never hold down a job for more than six months so I do have some solace in the fact that this will probably be the same but I’m just interested to know really we can’t change the other Childs days because they are set by court order as part of their divorce.

     

    So should I just take it my son is upset he doesn’t want to go on different weekends because he wants to see the other child, it’s important though he sees his father and they have a relationship so should I try and get something in writing mediation in a court order stating that he has to see him on the set weekends we’ve agreed and then his work will have to comply? Or any other suggestions, this has put a massive strain on my relationship we don’t have family outside help unfortunately as they’re either too elderly or have special-needs children of their own or too far away.

    We’ve already had to cancel our weekend away this weekend which was bought for me for my birthday and scheduled and I’ll let him know back in August then in October we had a weekend away and it fell on his weekend so we’ve now had to cancel that and lost the money.

    #60980 Report

    Mumnson
    Participant

    I would also add to this he has a new partner (a few months now) who is very sweet but 16 years his junior and doesn’t have children.

    Maintenance wise it has Always been the bare minimum due as a parent on benefits and as he doesn’t drive I have always done the driving pick up and drop offs around my full time work and business.

    #60989 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    it sounds like a difficult situation. In my view I think you should not go to court. because they can not force your ex to see the kids. they can put down some set arrangements like every other weekend, but it would be down  to his availability. If he is not available, then he misses out and does not see the kids. I would suggest to carry on as usual, and expect your ex to not be available at certain times. can you ask him to give you enough notice whether he will be available or not? and maybe in future if you end up in situation where you could have to cancel event and lose money, then you could insist on keeping to those events if he hasn’t given you enough notice about his availability.

    #60990 Report

    Mumnson
    Participant

    Thanks, that’s not really it though.

    He has taken this job, telling me he would be available and now wants me to swap weekends until/if he is able to revert to the usual weekends. Which doesn’t work for us.

    He has said if we could get something official about which weekends he has to have in writing he would show his new job. But would the job have to comply? is my question really.

    I will be the one who has to pay any costs, and once again the world has to revolve around my ex husband.

    #61041 Report

    GingerbreadHelen
    Keymaster

    Hi Mumnson, I think this is something our helpline could advise you on. Helpline – Gingerbread. We also have a webchat Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays 10am to 1pm Webchat – Gingerbread.

    best regards, Helen

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