Ongoing court case

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  • #44602 Report

    Sue
    Participant

    Hi

    I’m currently being taken to court by my ex as he wants access to see our 7 year old son.  I had arranged mediation but he never stuck to it.

    Because of covid and the court process our son hasnt seen his dad for nearly 2 years and has said since we split that he doesnt want to see his dad. His dad has never been a good parent as always put the pub first, he would go on 3 day benders regularly.  Cafcass has said I’m showing a low level of parent ailenation.  This is rubbish as I have always said to our son I’ll take him to see his dad if he wants to. I found out after the split that my ex has lots of convictions that I didnt know about so I suppose I was in shock and worried about our sons welfare when I spoke to cafcass.  We have got the 1st contact centre visit on sunday but our son is still saying he doesnt want to see his dad. My solicitor has advised  me that the contact centre staff should deal with getting him in but the member of staff said its down to me. I cant drag my son in there and hes told the member of staff he doesnt want to see his dad. Can anyone please help and advise what I should do ?

    Thanks

    • This topic was modified 2 weeks ago by Sue.
    #44662 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    The simple answer is that you take your son along to the contact centre with some gentle words of encouragement and reassurance. At 7 yo he will still remember his dad from 2 yrs ago though it’s expected it will feel a little strange to him having not seen him for so long.
    Your son deserves the opportunity to develop a relationship with his dad, and in the future he will decide whether or not to maintain that relationship, though not at 7.
    I guess you have your own concerns and you might be worried about dad letting him down or yourself seeing dad again after so long, the potential disruption to your lives?
    Im not suggesting you have, but don’t say negative things to your son about his dad as he will remember this and it will make transfer at contact centre more distressing for your son and in turn, you.
    Sometimes you’ve just got to go with the flow and it won’t make your son love you any less.

    #44717 Report

    BecksandB
    Participant

    Agree to the above! Not for court and not for your ex even but firstly for your son and also for you. He’s actually looking for your direction still so don’t echo what he thinks he knows over this very complex issue for him. And I won’t dignify any credence or criticism of Cafcass! They will be lucky to survive the next few years court reform! I digress. Studies have tested that actually children don’t ‘get or understand’ alienation. It’s an adult projection of a complex anxiety. Children naturally love their parents and want to please us. Parental alienation was the single biggest fear of mine from the efforts by my ex. I pulled out the legal big guns yet rather obviously looking back now I could and never will be able to stop my ex saying a thing he wants. I can only control myself. Now if my son (have a boy too!) starts to show anxiety as a sign of alienation then I’m in a different position and one of power. But it relys on me being the better person and parent and being able to know that I have never tried to pour the poison. I celebrate seeing ‘Pa’ and always smile and wave and walk off confidently. (My ex insists on ridiculous public meeting places!) My ex would have be take the blame for creating COVID-19 right now on top of world debt! But he can never say that I make ‘going to his Dad’ an issue with regards to ‘what our son is wanting’! You might have to keep your refusals for his contact For your own and real reasons so don’t hide behind your son as I promise confidence on you being cool with dad will be something as a young male he will respect you for (so I see with fellow friends in our situation with one age 5 and the other 7). Not sure that helps. Hope it has. X

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