One year on, will it ever get better?!

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  • #56661 Report

    Brokenman
    Participant

    Hello. I did post on here a while back but I’m back! So last July (the 31st, 2020!) My wife walked out on me. We have two young daughters and she took them with her and moved into her mum’s home. She was stopping me from seeing the children so I took her to court and last month was finally given just about 50/50 access (I have them three weekends in every four, starting from Friday night till Sunday night and every Wednesday night). After a couple of weeks of leaving me, she met a new guy and within a month the two of them and the children had moved into their own place. He’s always been nasty to me, threatening me with violence and refusing to talk to me about the children etc. The trouble is, even though I’m “over” her and would t ever take her back, I’m still so jealous of what they have. When I was with her, I spent the last two years sleeping on the sofa, we never kissed, cuddled and hadn’t had sex since early 2018, around the time out youngest was conceived! But I keep thinking of the two of them being close, being intimate and just having their lives together, along with the girls. I can’t see myself ever having that kind of feeling again with anyone, after all, who will ever want a 29/30 year old single dad of two, who’s shy, nervous and very insecure?! Every time I hear a love song, see a love scene on TV or even see friends getting in new relationships, I think about my ex being in that position and am so jealous. I should be happy with her, we married for a reason, but now I feel life will never get better for me and I’ll forever be lonely and fed up! How can I ever get over this? As I said, I don’t want her back, but I want what she has!

    #56664 Report

    L
    Participant

    Hi

    So sorry to hear of your tough year. I’m pleased you have 50/50 access now of your girls.

    I’m going through difficult times myself. This group is really good for talking so we are here to help. Where in the country are u?

    Keep on being a good dad👍

    #56665 Report

    Brokenman
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply and kind words, I’m from Norwich, Norfolk

    #56666 Report

    L
    Participant

    Dont let this situation bring you down. Enjoy the time you get to spend with your girls as that’s the most important thing especially whilst they are still so young.

    I’m lucky I have my children living with me. Their poor excuse of a father now wants to live with the woman he had an affair with and wants his children to meet her!! Not a chance as the circumstances surrounding all of this have been v upsetting for my children and I.

    Stay strong and keep being that great dad👍👍

    #56670 Report

    Brokenman
    Participant

    Thank you “L” for your reply. The trouble is, is that the lower I feel, the more lonely I feel and the more I worry about my future, it’ll make it harder for me to pick myself up for the girls as I’m getting more and more into a depressed state. I just see my ex happy, deeply in love, and how that happiness is spreading to the girls, and I just wish I could be in that same position!

    #56671 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi,

    Your still young and have a future ahead of you. I’m 37 and hopefully will be married by end of the year.

    I think you need to stop thinking of your ex somehow and what life she has. Focus on rebuilding your life and hopefully you can start a new life with a new partner. Sadly there is lot of irrational behavior out there. Parents being blocked from seeing kids just because they moved on and have a new partner lol.

    #56716 Report

    L
    Participant

    Hi again!

    What things do your girls like to do? Do that like playing outdoors or going to the park. When you have your time with your girls plan interesting and fun things to do with them especially with weather being so good atm. And being outdoors will help your wellbeing too and keep your mind focused of more positive things.

    The one thing my children want when they see their dad is just time spent with them, not toys brought for them or expensive days out, just time with daddy building lego or playing football. Sadly he finds this difficult to do most the time😔 and they end up coming back all upset.

    #57826 Report

    Peoplecallmemummy
    Participant

    Hi, just happened to read your post and related to it a bit..especially about feeling like, who would want a shy nervous parent of 2? And will it ever get better? My mum suggested this site and reading through similar situations is helping me feel like I’m not alone! Hope you’re hanging in there 🙂

    #57837 Report

    mcscoobs
    Participant

    If it helps, why not try counselling? Ignore that stigma that you believe may come attached with that. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my boys mum (a controlling narcissist) for 5 years, and I’m convinced I left that relationship with some form of post traumatic stress disorder! I tried counselling and it helped just being able to vent and have someone listen.

    It will get better. You need time and perhaps someone else to think about. What about dating apps? Get yourself out there. I was a 40 year old single dad of 3 when we split… I went through the same thought process as you… who’s going to want to take on 3 kids? But I put myself out there and met someone (who has 2 kids herself)… it’s hard work with all the kids together, but I’m so much happier now. Honestly, you’ll meet someone who will make you far happier, someone who will show you and give you all the affection you’ve been craving.

    #57840 Report

    Andrew uk
    Participant

    Hi. Don’t give up. I haven’t seen my 2 kids since April 2021. The way things are going it could be a while yet. It’s good that you still see yours. Be hopeful. Being a single dad isn’t too bad. Enjoy thr times with them. It’s hard to get over a relationship. I married in 2002 and I do look back and wonder how it went from one thing to the other. Am I happy it’s over? Yes. It became difficult towards the end. Do I know I will meet someone else? Yes, in time. But at the moment it’s not a priority.

    #57841 Report

    Andrew uk
    Participant

    There are so many new families out there. More than you think.

    #57895 Report

    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi I think you’re imagining they are having an idilic life but that’s never the case especially after the honey moon period. I have a new partner and it’s really hard , merging is hard. I think a step parent won’t usually tolerate a partner’s child the same as they do their own child. A step parent will be intolerant of things a real parent wouldn’t notice and the buffer is love . Unfortunately families can’t just gel overnight so don’t underestimate how much your love is needed ❤️

    #57899 Report

    MP1997
    Participant

    I’m only now going through seperation and I think the situation your in now is the one I keep having nightmares about. Despite everything my child’s father has done to me and everything in trying to put him away for I still miss him and am petrified my daughter will call someone else mummy. I’ve seen blended families with my brother and his partner and its horrific, its a situation I dont want to be in. I have anxiety and depression and take daily medication, I find nights are harder when my daughters in bed and there’s no distractions

    #57910 Report

    JBLA
    Participant

    be gentle with yourself, it’s normal to take time to heal & you’ve obviously been through more stress of going through court too which must of been tough.

    You can’t expect to just suddenly feel better & it sounds as though you may of been depressed for quite some time before the break up too… we can’t expect anything to change or get better with the same thinking that got us into a difficult situation, so maybe its time for a different approach?

    It can be really tough to admit we have depression or recognise it as a health issue, but so many people experience it & there is a lot of healthcare & self help options out there to overcome it. Sometimes it can be healing in itself to see mental health as no different from a physical health… would we expect anyone with a broken arm to magically know how to fix it themselves? depression can be informed by anything from life-style, vitamin deficiency or imbalances to just not being given the tools or space to recover or deal with stressors in life. It can happen to anyone & there is no shame in getting healthcare.

    when your in a better headspace, it might be worth thinking about if there was a reason your ex wanted to stop you seeing the kids or her new dude was threatening? I appreciate that has been resolved with court, & there is no excuse for abusive behaviour… but trying to see from their perspective could identify ways to re-build a bridge of healthier communication for the kids sake moving forward? (even if it’s realising they have issues & doing a course in conflict management to give you a confidence boost to manage it!)

    Focusing on the positives… alright, you had a bad relationship, but you have survived that. alright, you feel shy & nervous… but you’ve been through court, which takes a lot of courage & determination & you’ve won, you are clearly a great parent who loves your kids & puts them first to be allocated 50/50! You have been through a lot & despite not feeling great you are reaching out for advice & want to have a happier life…. so maybe your stronger than you think & already have a lot of what it takes to overcome difficult emotions. Maybe just a tiny bit of support to overcome a health issue is all you need to have & live the life that you want & clearly deserve. Invest in your happiness, you are worth it.

    trust me, especially with all the absconding & aggressive toxic masculinity out there …  Most women might actually dream about a quiet gentle dude who prioritises his kids 🙂

    #58145 Report

    mstime
    Participant

    Hi. First off your doing the best you can under the circumstances. Many don’t. You should be proud of that. Maybe that your so caring means her nasty, violent partner sees you as a threat? He’s knows deep down that you have more. Your the children’s dad and you was with the mum longer and you all shared so much together. Forget him. He’s obviously an insecure tool. You count more to the family. You count more to the children. I dare say you count more to the mum. Forget his bravado. He sounds like a pathetic bully. His day will come. In the meantime, keep doing what you’re doing. Head up 🍺

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