One night stand taking me to court
13 March 2020 at 7:47 pm #37757
Hi but of a long story, I have a 13 month old daughter whom I adore more than life, her father and I knew each other for 2 months and engaged intimately once, resulting in my little angel. I haven’t put the father on the birth certificate as I wanted to get to know him and build a friendship (as nothing romantic was ever going to happen) and learn to co parent with each other. Rewind to when I was pregnant, I felt consistently battered by demands of what was going to happen regarding contact and my body eg demanding to be in the room whilst I was in labour, he went out and bought a Moses basket and told me that I can express milk and he can have the baby 4 days a week, and made me feel like a surrogate for him, I advised him that when the baby is here he can be involved, I want her to have a father figure but everything needs to be age appropriate and in her best interest, I advised that he was overwhelming me with demands and it was upsetting me and that I would keep in contact re scans and the birth. He then proceeded to drive up to my parents house where I was he was drunk and because I didn’t want to speak to him he started to punch the walls and punch himself in the head. That was it I didn’t want any more contact with him until the birth. A number of other things happened after that, since my daughter has been born, he has seen her weekly, this has progressed with different stages of her development, I have never stopped contact nor would I because it’s not fair on my daughter. However, he has persistently been badgering next every 2 weeks for 13 months about having her over night, he has also asked me 4 times to take her on holiday on separate occasions, which I have said no to, as it’s not the right time for my daughter but when she is older most definitely and over nights will start when she is ready, skip to January 2020. I have been informed that he was barred from a local pub for being caught taking coccaine in the toilets, I am utterly disgusted by this and WILL not have my daughter around that. He offered to do a hair strand drug test as he was adamant that this was a lie, we agreed to visit the centre nearest by however I received a phone call the day after with him refusing to do it as it would show positive because he was doing coccaine 18months ago. I advised him that if it was that long ago it would show negative and we need to move forward with my daughters welfare coming first, he refused and started shouting at me saying I was being out of order and I’m stopping him from seeing her made every lie up in the world to try and save his bacon. I have advised him that he can see our daughter supervised until this can be sorted because I cannot risk my daughter being with someone who can’t make responsible decisions for themselves. He has seen her for 5 weeks supervised either in my home or down the soft play, I have now received a mediation letter asking that he wants to have contact Friday night to Sunday night EOW and 2 nights in the week. I am horrified, no mention of why things are the way the way they are now. My daughter is not ready for this arrangement, she is still just a tiny baby who Is very dependant on me and has never spent more than 2 hours away from me (that’s while I went to the cinema with a friend) I’ve just hit a wall now, he’s so strange and twists everything that I say, for example I’m a controlling b*** for not letting him the birthing suit after he bullied me throughout my pregnancy. Can anyone help, sorry for the looong post13 March 2020 at 8:19 pm #37759
My story is similar but very different.
I asked my ex to call mediation a year ago, he hasn’t and I’ve received gifts for my daughter, a constant stream of messages some abusive and maintenance stopped. He is known to be on pretty much every drug going.
After an abusive message in January which took me back to locking the doors and fearing what may come, I called the domestic abuse helpline. Where I was advised mediation wouldn’t work, due to the drugs and abuse. He’d have to take me to court and with the evidence I have the judge would most likely advise hair strand testing and supervised contact.
I’ve never been to mediation…. but it sounds like you have more than enough evidence and proof for it to go to court!
don’t feel threatened by this letter!! You are putting your child first! And however much he proclaims he wants to be a father he needs to take steps and grow up and be responsible before he can expect the contact he’s asking for.
xx14 March 2020 at 10:36 am #37764
Hi thank you so much for your reply your situation sounds equally as frustrating. Are you still allowing contact at all? Because another one of my issues is the fact that I’m still trying to maintain their relationship, just I can’t let the drug allegations slide as they are serious, he keeps saying I’m stopping him from seeing her all because he can’t get his own way. I keep trying to explain that it’s not about own way and rights I have to what’s best for her. But he ignores everything and try’s to manipulate it to look like I’m doing him wrong. Do I have to attend mediation? When I have never had an issue other than the drugs and controlling behaviour, or shall I call and explain the situation and see what they say? He causes such a drama over everything like he’s father of the year, baring in mind we were never married co habituated or even knew each other longer than 2months so I have tried to get to know him and all he’s shown me is, he can’t control his emotions, he’s threatening uses drugs and also drinks and drives.
so nice to hear someone else’s story and I’m not alone16 March 2020 at 11:46 pm #37839
He hasn’t a leg to stand on!
total shot in the dark but I’m guessing that he’s sought legal advice and omitted a lot of information; likely all he’s said is you’re not allowing him to see his daughter. Failed to disclose any of his own issues.
I’ve not a clue about mediation but if things go to court it’s likely his history will come to light and none of it will work in his favour.
My best suggestion is maybe call the gingerbread helpline or Citizens Advice – best to get some independent professional advice rather than just the experiences of others.
Best of luck x17 March 2020 at 2:40 am #37840
Take it to court he’s not likely to get overnight maybe a few hours at t. Weekend and you can probably inisist it’s supervised due to his unreasonable behaviour towards you.18 March 2020 at 10:30 am #37879
Thank you both for taking the time to comment, I have booked to just get some advice off a solicitor for ways to go forward. I’m more than capable of coming to arrangements amicably but certain issues need to be addressed first and everything at the right time for my daughter, like I said I’ve never stopped him from seeing her just seems he has a bee in his bonnet because he can’t get what he wants when he wants it regardless of whether it’s right flmy daughter and doesn’t seem to see the seriousness of his actions which alone is very concerning, if someone can’t make responsible decisions for himself then how can he for a vulnerable child.
if I have any luck I’ll post, thank you again so much xx18 March 2020 at 10:06 pm #37897
I’m so sorry you are going through this. My situation is different, but I feel I could have so easily been in your place.
I’m 21 weeks pregnant to someone I met online. We hung out for a few months and whilst going for fertility tests I became pregnant. I told him and he immediately told me to get rid of the baby and that because I have mental health problems I shouldn’t be a mother. I still wanted to give him a chance so met up with him a few months later. He turned up drunk and continued to drink. He then changed his tune and couldn’t accept that I didn’t want a relationship with him. He became increasingly controlling and needy to the point that I blocked him from all contact with me.
I felt that my mental health and the health of my baby came before fixing his problems and doing everything he wanted me to do.
He had also been convicted recently of assault by battery on an ex partner, and he himself told me that he drunk drove with his son in the car (that he is banned from seeing, whole other story).
As my pregnancy has continued I have felt very strongly that he will not be involved in my babies life.
Having said that the guilt eats me up inside to bring up baby without a father. But I stuck to my position as I know I am protecting my child and that is more important.
So I say to you, protect yourself and your child. There will be other father figures if this one can’t grow up and be responsible.
Our situations aren’t ideal and we can only make the best of them!
You and baby come first! So fight for the situation that is most comfortable for you as the primary care giver.
Good luck to you!!20 March 2020 at 3:56 pm #38028
I’ve just become a single dad I know about mediation quite well as I’ve offered it to my daughters mother . I was told about by my step mum as she works in child protection you have to be very careful with mediation because if it breaks down everything that happens in it is then taken to court and I’m in the same situation protecting my daughter hopefully you had him arrested when he came to the house drunk because then you have legal proof of why he can’t have your child over night as I’ve done with my daughters my I recorded it with the social services and police and it was the social that has put in place in my case that visits with her mum are supervised so I have a legal standing if she takes me to court but if it’s word of mouth with his drug taking and at court passes a drug test and he has no record he will be granted shared custody you have to come across and very accommodating in mediation even tho your saying no still have to make it sound accommodating to both off you it will look better in court for you