Not enjoying my son like I use too.

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  • #46941 Report

    roxie555
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m reaching out so family and friends don’t see this.

    Please help me, I need advice. Before I get into my story I can not seek professional help as it is very expensive even with my health insurance so sadly it is not an option

    Okay here we go. I am a single parent to a 4 and a half little boy. His dad and I just finalized our divorce a week ago and we split up October of last year. This has been hard on our son. Fast forward I have been in a relationship with a new guy for 8 months now. For about 4 months into our relationship we have been seeing him everyday. I have noticed he NEVER helps me with my son. I mentioned last night to my boyfriend that I felt that they aren’t bonding and he got upset. I told him he always seems annoyed with him and when my son is with his dad my boyfriend acts different … why is this? I know my son is not his but he never wants to do anything with him. I have one more topic to address. How do you juggle everything? I work almost 6 days a week and I never have much time to spend with my son and I feel guilty. When I do though like during the week im cooking dinner, washing dishes taking care of our pets and getting ready for the next day its like a bad routine I hate it. I feel my son is acting out because I don’t spend enough time with him. My ex husband was mentally abusive, but I dont wanna be a single mom anymore. It makes me desire to not even be a mom anymore or that im not good enough. I love my son and I hate that I have constant thoughts of just letting him be with his dad or not being in my life anymore. I’ve lost my sense of drive in my life and I feel like I dobt have it all figured out even though thats what I crave to have. I want a sense of purpose or to feel grounded or know who I am.

    #46960 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hello Roxi,

    a few things spring to my mind, when I read your post. First, your son’s feelings of loosing his “family” may be much different from yours. He might still be well within his grieving period and not ready yet to open up to someone new in his life. What about your grieving? Did you have enough time to reflect on what was going on with you?

    Your boyfriend was upset because you told him, “I told him he always seems annoyed with him”. I probably would be upset as well, if someone tells me, how I feel. But even if you were right, and he is annoyed, what would you make of this?  Bonding is a long process sometimes. |And sometimes it doesn’t work.

    I remember, when after two years of separation from their mom, everything had calmed down a little and life was about to start being “normal”, the first new woman came into their father’s life and how the boys reacted. It was a complete disaster and didn’t end well. I can assure you, there are many of those stories around, and it is not easy to make it a success.

    If your son and his dad get on well and you need some time to figure things out, there is no problem in leaning on his dad. You are not a bad mother if you let him spend more time with his dad while you sort yourself out. The question isn’t, how you are perceived as a mother, but what is best for the child.

    #47015 Report

    Renata L
    Participant

    Hello. I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with it. I think you need to rest, gather your thoughts. You’re working a lot, so you’re accumulating stress. Listen to yourself, talk to your son. I’m sure things will get better.

    #47300 Report

    Jo stroud
    Participant

    Hiya!

    First things first. Start being kind to yourself. Being a single parent is tough. Back in the day a whole community would help raise a child in addition to their parents and grandparents and the mother would not have been expected to work 6 days a week. It all comes down to a reality check. It’s impossible to be a perfect mother, career woman and successfully run a house and all the chores that come with that on your own.

    I’ve been a single mum for 4 years after a 15 year relationship. I’ve learnt that you have to prioritise and adapt life to make it work for YOU and reduce stress as much as possible …a happy mum makes for a happy child…If you feel you don’t have enough time with your little one think of ways you might be able to improve that.

    Is there any way you may be able to reduce your hours at work or have shorter working days? I work a 4 day week and have a 6 year old boy and with some maintenance and working/child tax credits I can make ends meet. There are benefits calculators where you can put in different working hrs/incomes and it will tell you how much help you’d get. It means budgeting but the extra time it buys me is worth it. I also came off social media channels as they suck up time like a black hole as does online dating.

    Regards dating…I’ve dabbled but found my 6 year olds behaviour gets worse when I’m dating as i’m spreading myself too thin so I’ve come to the conclusion it’s just not the right time as my son needs to come first right now as hes still quite young and when I do meet a guy he would have to be great with kids otherwise it’s a no go for me.

    It’s all about striking the right balance and it takes some time to get right. I think I’m lucky that I enjoy my own company and don’t feel I need a man in my life right now. Sure I get lonely sometimes but I use that time to spend with friends or take up new interests.

     

    Hope that helps

    #47301 Report

    Jo stroud
    Participant

    Also when you say you are reaching out so family and friends don’t see this, it makes me feel a little sad.

    Family and friends are your support network, I dont think i’d be able to cope without mine ….they are the people you should be reaching out to so they can offer support, advice and maybe some occassional childcare etc when you need a rest.

    It’s ok to need people – no shame in that.

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