Not Coping

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  • #9291 Report


    I’ve been divorced for nearly 8yrs.
    It has been a struggle both financially and emotionally but lately it’s getting to be too much. My youngest is now about to turn 16, her father has never been supportive to either of us.
    My father recently died and while my mother and I have never been close she now relies on me.
    I’m in debt, I hate my job, my life generally sucks and I have no money. Add this to the menopause (I’m 52) and a moody, ungrateful, lazy teenager and if I’m honest I’m just ready to give up.
    I want to tell my ex to just be a father and step up but I’ve tried that he just ignores me, he makes me feel ridiculous and pathetic. I’m done I just want sell up and just go, leave everything behind and just not BE anymore.
    Is there anyone here who has had similar or, I don’t know what really,advice i suppose but I’m losing control and I just need help from somewhere.

    #9292 Report


    I’m sorry, you’re going through a bad time. That’s where fora like Gingerbread comes into its own cos we can all listen and help each other out. If you can, get to a local meeting too. Problems are always helped by sharing with others.

    Let’s go through each point, but before that, let’s get the biggy out of the way: You’ve survived and your children have flourished in the last eight years. Now you’re going through the menopause, and that is not pleasant in some cases, especially when other things are bad, because it heightens them. So in this instance there is a filter involved.

    On top of that, your father has died, and I can tell you that whatever our age, we’re all still children when it comes to our parents. A child will always hurt and feel lost when their parent disappears.

    I’m reminded of the ring of Solomon, which makes you sad when happy, and happy when sad, for etched onto the ring is the phrase “This too shall pass”. And you know what? It always does, the good and the bad, given enough time.

    So, you hate your job? I don’t know what you do or why you hate it, but why not just get another? It may even pay better. Depending on the job, maybe you could ask for a better raise this year. Ok, you’ll still be in a hated job, but if it’s paying off your debts and giving you a bit more cash to spend, you’ll hate it a little bit less.

    Does your ex give you money? If not, or he’s not paying enough, maybe you could get that addressed?

    The problem with your teenager is that she’s a teenager. It’s a bit like saying “my refuse collector keeps emptying the bins every week”. It’s the job description. Having said that, you could talk to her, woman to woman. She might not have any clue what you’re going through financially or mentally. A parent asking their child for help is quite a scary prospect and might open her eyes a bit. All parents shield their children from the bad stuff where possible. Maybe now’s the time to intimate to her that parents are not perfect, and do have lives of their own, and constantly struggle to deliver their responsibilities. For help with this and all your other problems, try this number:

    Support with any parenting problem: Family Lives 9am-9pm weekdays, 10am-3pm weekends FREE helpline 0808 800 2222

    Aside from money I think it’s clear your ex is not really the right person to turn to right now.

    PM me any time if you want to rant or chat or whatever. Keep posting on here. From personal experience, I can say that, while all the problems in my life are still there, sometimes helping out someone else with the answer to a problem that I can contribute to actually take away the feeling of simply not wanting to BE any more. Other people’s problems can be clearer for you as you are outside of them and it helps you at times to change the perspective of your own.

    All the best. Don’t give up just yet. You’ve come a long way, baby. At least stick around for one more day (repeat to yourself every night before bed)

    #9326 Report



    <span style=”font-size: 24pt; font-family: Georgia, serif;”>Hi, thank you for the lovely reply.</span>

    <span style=”font-size: 24pt; font-family: Georgia, serif;”>Of course, you are right, the bad stuff never really goes away it just simmers below the surface. It’s just at the moment I am at a really low ebb as everything just seems to be mounting up and all I can see is doom and gloom.</span>

    <span style=”font-size: 24pt; font-family: Georgia, serif;”>At the top of my problems is money, I suppose like every other person in the world.</span>

    <span style=”font-size: 24pt; font-family: Georgia, serif;”>My ex is a mean person who only cares for himself. He recently told our daughter that having her over was inconvenient now that she’s 16 (she’s 16 next month) our original agreement was alternate weekends. He won’t take her to the home he shares with his partner but goes to his Mother’s instead and more often than not leaves her there she is obviously floored as you can imagine.
    Now as she is about to leave school and go to college I am dreading him refusing to continue with his maintenance payment which I had to fight for. Even though college is recognised as full time education, as I will still get child benefit. I am certain that my ex will just refuse to pay even though I have a signed, dated document stating he agreed to continue his payments until she leaves full time education, which I think he will argue is high school.</span>

    <span style=”font-size: 24pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: Georgia, serif;”>I have survived and so have the kids but I am scared I will lose the house I struggled to buy without the maintenance money. I am just scared and worried all the time.
    Is there a legal person here I could speak to maybe or if you have any advice, I would be very grateful.
    The worry is weighing so heavy.</span>

    #9327 Report


    Can you get legal aid?

    Publicly funded legal advice and/or representation:

    Advice re: arrangements for children, mediation, going to court

    Separation disputes:

    Going to court without a lawyer: Personal Support Unit

    Representing yourself in court:

    Publicly funded mediation:

    Some stuff to keep you going. I strongly suggest you speak to Family Lives who I gave you details of earlier. They can point you in the right direction. I think your finance problems with your ex (ok, nothing’s easy or quick) can be negotiated in your favour. If not, take him to court – shouldn’t cost you (see links above).

    I am not in your precise situation, but I too have had a terrible day and I don’t know what tomorrow even means, let alone will bring. So, I just want to say thank you for being someone I can communicate with. I guess that’s what this forum is for. Thank you.

    #9341 Report


    Hi, Thank you so much for your message.
    I’m so sorry if you are in a similar situation but like you I am grateful to be able to speak to someone who knows what I’m worried about.
    Thank you for the links and info. I admit I thought legal aid had been abolished but I’ll check it out.

    I hope today is better for you too.

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