Not coping after recent separation

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  • #9486 Report

    Iwanttobeme
    Participant

    My husband suddenly left our family home after bein married for 17yrs.

    He talked via what’s app for a few weeks and we went out on a “date” ( that’a what he called it) and talked about things and he told me off for shouting (I wasn’t I was just airing my views). Within 4days of this “date” and him saying he wanted to take me to bed. He texted me stating he wasn’t returning and that I know that would be his decision (no I didn’ as he was messing with my head for two weeks).

    After another 2weeks of taking via what’s app I finally got him here to discuss the bills, the children and how I felt Hough I’m not sure he listened as he wasn’t looking at me or willing to read the letter I wrote to him whilst he was here in our house as he wanted to “assess what it says and give you an answer”

    Since then the communication between us has gotten worse and he’ even hidden himself on what’s app. So I can’t see of he’ seen the messages I’ve sent bearing in mind this was the only way we where communicating about the children. I didn’t even know of he was coming for them whilst I worked on Sunday. He’ barely messaged them in between visits and is going away for a weekend even though I’m at work that weekend and now I have to find someone to take care of them

    He’s left us with little cash and stopped direct debts without me sorting the benefits out due to the fact he messed me.about for two weeks. I’e had to beg him for money for the children and they only way o got it was by say g I was going to the CSA to claim it as even though he told me how much we where entitled to there was no mention of us getting it soon and living on a minimum wage was killing us off.

    He still hasn’t given me.a real explanation as it changes every ime we speak first he didn’ love me and hasn’ for 2years. Then he didn’ know why he’s gone. Then it was three years. Then he blamed me. In fact the majority of the time he’.blamed me.

    I believe he’s having a midlife crisis as me, the kids and his family have all seen a dramaic change in his personality but he’s not.willing to see it and I’m starting to think I’m over looking everything but I don’t understand how he’s up and left everything behind, I’m now the one with all the responsibilities and not hes once asked me how the children are or if I need anything for them.

    He also hasn’t talked to his mum even though he’s promised her to phone her more then oncd and she getting worried about the fact.when his gran passed away that he sent  a very weird reply like he wasn’t bothered. But she says she can’ help as he’s  not listening to what I’ve said (she’ told him too but via text only).

    #9487 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Well first off you need to sort out money, so don’t wait and go to the CSA to get that started. You can’t make him take a part in yours or your children’s life. I could suggest mediation or a Parent Plan but frankly it doesn’t sound like he’d bite. You could be looking at taking him to court. You would under the circumstances be able to get a MIAM (the paperwork you need) to take him to court and address some of the issues. Probably quicker to do that, frankly. But you need to go to the CSA and you need to have at least offered him the chance to mediate.

    A few links to help you out:

    Support with any parenting problem: Family Lives 9am-9pm weekdays, 10am-3pm weekends FREE helpline 0808 800 2222 http://familylives.org.uk

    Can you get legal aid? https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid

    Publicly funded legal advice and/or representation: http://www.justice.gov.uk/legal-aid-for-private-family-matters

    Advice re: arrangements for children, mediation, going to court http://www.advicenow.org.uk

    Separation disputes: http://www.sortingoutseparation.org.uk

    Arrangements for children: http://theparentconnection.org.uk/

    Contact Centres: http://www.nacc.org.uk

    Going to court without a lawyer: Personal Support Unit http://thepsu.org/

    Representing yourself in court: http://www.barcouncil.org.uk/instructing-a-barrister/representing-yourself-in-court

    Publicly funded mediation: http://find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk

    Children should be at the centre of all decision-making: https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/179714/fjypb_national_charter_1013.pdf

    Child maintenance calculator: https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

    Let me know if I can help further.

    #9491 Report

    Iwanttobeme
    Participant

    Luckily as soon as I said I’d go to the CSA by Monday (allowing 3 days grace) he paid us the money we were entitled to within 3 hours. And I got what I wanted from him not what he was willing to pay. 😊 Though this doesn’t help with my rent etc it does allow me to buy food and things our children will need for school.

    I did offer to attend counselling but he wasn’t interested as he doesn’t see what he’s done or how he’ done it as wrong.

    #9494 Report

    Iwanttobeme
    Participant

    Unfortunately I didn’t have any choice to invole him for the children this week as my parents are away and I have no one.esle to have them. He is only having them when I work it’ just the fact he didn’t confirm he was coming this week that annoyed me. As he knew I was working an extra day due to the fact we needed the money now he wasn’t here.

    I’e changed all bills to my name.and currently awaiting by need council tax statement so I can budget the first payment. I have applied for benefits but coz they take up o 34 days gettin money of him for the children fast was the only option I had if we wanted to continue living without worrying after all I had survived a.full month without that money I wasn’ allowing that to happen again.

    I’ve already reduced the water bill and once my be of it info is sent I have a form to reduce that again. I’ also looking into the tv package as he’ still paying for that right now but there’ no way I’m willing to pay put that much for something only i use (children watch Netflix upstairs).

    He said he was stopping the rent and he has already done that and o have off if I ever needed it for the Landlord that hes done that though I have informed him. And as soon as he told me he was going I stopped the credit cards he had in my name as he’s already racked up an extra £800 on one and as it’ in.my name I’m liable for that. So I didn’ have choice. We didn’t any any joint financial assets luckiy as there’s a lot of debits in his name.

    #9495 Report

    Iwanttobeme
    Participant

    Yes it was a joint tenancy but coz it’s a family member we rent off I think he thinks I can live here for free which is not the case but he’s stopped the payment going to the landload for next month.

    #9497 Report

    Iwanttobeme
    Participant

    Luckily the landload is my family member not his and he’s told me not too worry about the rent but that’s beside the point. he’s also stopped water, counsel tax and the tv licence the last one he wasn’tsure a bit and only told me coz I asked him what he’s stopped because I needed to know how much money I needed to request as.an advance of the universal credit people (didn’t want to request too much as I have to pay it back monthly).

    There’s no way where he’s liing is costs anywhere near what they add too. As he’s staying with a friend from work. And he blamed.me.as.i stopped MY card! And even said i stopped his too. What I also down a understand is why he’ used my.card at all if he wasn’ intending to come back when he has cards in his name.

     

    #9556 Report

    Iwanttobeme
    Participant

    His card arnt maxed out (seen the bank statements since he hasn’t been here) but I believe mine has a bigger spending limit on it. Maybe it’s becauss he didn’t want to get himself into a bigger hole then he was already in. I know he prefered to use that card whilst he was here as it’ the one with the most transactions on.

    He told me that he wasn’t able to even cover the minium payments on 3 of them and the only reason he admitted that was coz I asked for help covering the minimum payment of the one on my name. 😔

    #10738 Report

    Torisnails
    Participant

    How have things panned out since you posted this?

     

    Your partner sounds exactly the same as mine. Indecisive and abrupt followed by some bouts of caring!

    Is there anyone else? Do you think he may have met someone?

    You have to focus on the good, I know that’s cliche but you have a job, you have the kids and yes you may be financially insecure at present but once your money situation is sorted you have a damn site far more going for you than he does.

    I’m sending you a big hug and well wishes

    #10751 Report

    Iwanttobeme
    Participant

    Things are still really hard if I’m honest and I’m still seriously considering the CSA route to the fact that even though we agreed a set ammount once i told him I’ve sorted out the last bill he was still paying for at the beginning of the week he’ still not agreed to a set payment date for the future.

    He hasn’t seen he children for 2 weeks apart from 5mins on our daughters birthday. And he is looking at a new place to on Saturday even though he’s originally told me that he’d found a proper house to go to on Monday, though he only told me off cuff officially when he was looking or any post that was here for him. And I stated there wasn’t much.

    I have had a few good weeks but the second I have to text him about the money/kids and he doesn’t reply or he doesn’t give me a proper answer the upset, anger returns and makes thing harder then they really sounds be 2mths on.

    I’m honestly not sure if there is anyone else he did say there wasn’t and that he’d not do that but after the he’s behaved it does makes me wonder if it’s thats why is he running in such a way.😔

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