Non Resident Arrangements

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  • #24466 Report

    Chik00
    Participant

    This is all very new go me, so just need to get an idea of what is ‘normal.’

    My husband and I are splitting up – we’ve told the kids and other people and he’s got a flat that he’ll move into in a couple of weeks.  The reason for the split is not amicable, but the split is and the priority for both of us is making sure the kids (13 & 11) are ok.

     

    There’s still the tendency for us to argue about things and I’m trying to do what’s best even if I don’t feel it’s fair.  The latest thing is having formal times when he has the kids, mainly (and this is where it got heated) so that I can begin to have a new life of my own.  It didn’t go down well, as “That’s just the sort of selfish behaviour that’s the reason for this.  I’m the one who’s not going to be with the kids and all you can think about is going out”  he’s still going to pick them up from school, take them to activities etc. and do all that stuff, and has no problem having them stay over, I feel that not having regular times just means that I almost have to have permission to do stuff and go places.

    I also think that having regular times when they are with their dad would be better all round at the moment.

    Anyone have thoughts or advice for is at this time?

    #24475 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Most children like to know where they stand, so a set arrangement where you alternate weekends and then they are at either house on specific days during the week is clear.

    Once that’s in place and things settle down, there’s nothing to stop you both flexing if something out of the ordinary comes up. Also at 13 & 11, you should ask your kids what they think.

    It sounds like your ex resents the idea that you might go off and build a new social life. Don’t discuss it with him if he is going to react like that.

    #24481 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    I think your absolutely right that regular timed visits are essential and agree with everything Kathy has said.

    I definitely agree with you not telling him what you are going to do with your spare time, it’s none of his business!

    Mark

    #24486 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Anonymous, I really don’t think your post is very helpful at all, we are supposed to be here to support one another not make accusations of selfishness based on assumptions. The original poster has not said why they split up nor has she mentioned why the father picks the kids up etc and it would be wrong to make assumptions based on the small amount that has been said. The original poster has purely said that she would like set times which even you has said is reasonable and best for the children.

    To suggest that the original poster should move out and imply that she isn’t doing right by her kids based on what little we know is to be frank out of order.

    #24487 Report

    Chik00
    Participant

    Sorry, I didn’t realise it wasn’t obvious – he’ll continue to do pick-ups meaning we’ll both do then as we do now.  We both work full time, so there’s days when one of us has to be out early but finish early, iyswim.  We share activities as well, and if it matters, I do most of the school / home stuff.

    I’ve offered to be the one to leave as well.  We’re going to be co-parents but the issue is fixed days for staying at his.

    #24503 Report

    Chik00
    Participant

    Thanks for the positive replies.  It’s a tough time and the non judgemental thoughts helped.

    Tbh, if I’d wanted to find out AIBU, I’d be on mumset ready for the nasty comments, not here.

    I guess judgement is everywhere.

    #24506 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Chik00,

    Perhaps I’m being dim but what does AIBU stand for?

    I’ve been here on and off for years so can vouch that it’s very rare to get anything but support, both the posters and moderators are quick to jump in should anything start getting negative so please don’t let anything put you off from posting.

    Mark

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