Non Resident Arrangements
5 May 2019 at 9:19 am #24466
This is all very new go me, so just need to get an idea of what is ‘normal.’
My husband and I are splitting up – we’ve told the kids and other people and he’s got a flat that he’ll move into in a couple of weeks. The reason for the split is not amicable, but the split is and the priority for both of us is making sure the kids (13 & 11) are ok.
There’s still the tendency for us to argue about things and I’m trying to do what’s best even if I don’t feel it’s fair. The latest thing is having formal times when he has the kids, mainly (and this is where it got heated) so that I can begin to have a new life of my own. It didn’t go down well, as “That’s just the sort of selfish behaviour that’s the reason for this. I’m the one who’s not going to be with the kids and all you can think about is going out” he’s still going to pick them up from school, take them to activities etc. and do all that stuff, and has no problem having them stay over, I feel that not having regular times just means that I almost have to have permission to do stuff and go places.
I also think that having regular times when they are with their dad would be better all round at the moment.
Anyone have thoughts or advice for is at this time?5 May 2019 at 2:05 pm #24475
Most children like to know where they stand, so a set arrangement where you alternate weekends and then they are at either house on specific days during the week is clear.
Once that’s in place and things settle down, there’s nothing to stop you both flexing if something out of the ordinary comes up. Also at 13 & 11, you should ask your kids what they think.
It sounds like your ex resents the idea that you might go off and build a new social life. Don’t discuss it with him if he is going to react like that.5 May 2019 at 2:32 pm #24481
I think your absolutely right that regular timed visits are essential and agree with everything Kathy has said.
I definitely agree with you not telling him what you are going to do with your spare time, it’s none of his business!
Mark5 May 2019 at 5:31 pm #24482
Long-term it is always better to have consistency and routine brings this as everyone, esoespecia the children, know where they stand.
In the short-term, he probably feels like his life has been turned upside down and now you want your cake and to eat it as you’ll have the children and still expecting him to do the donkey work so you benefit.
Now I’m trying not to read too heavily between the lines here,but assume he feels the wronged partner and now you want to continue with him facilitating. Whilst the dust settles I do think that you need to be a little bit sensitive here. He’s lost his family, eife and is now going to be living in an interior flat whilst you live in the family home, expect him to maintain you and the children he’s lost out on!
I wouldn’t be saying anything about your new life. One it’s cruel imo and unnecessary Two it’s not a part of the conversation needed which should now only focus on the children and presumably divorce and financial implications.
The important ones are the children.if he’s going to be doing the majority of day to day care which is how I interpret this, maybe YOU need to consider whether you’re being selfish and actually he should be the resident parent not you? As that would give the children greater consistency as hes collecting from school and there, ferrying to activities etc. So sounds more present tahn you who’s actually focussed more on increasing the time when you’re not there….. Maybe food for thought.
However back to the question,set days would be more stable for the children as they’d know when they’re being pulled pillar to post to actually get home with you and when they can rest for the night with dad. It’s also easier for arranging maintenance etc.5 May 2019 at 6:47 pm #24486
Solomummy, I really don’t think your post is very helpful at all, we are supposed to be here to support one another not make accusations of selfishness based on assumptions. The original poster has not said why they split up nor has she mentioned why the father picks the kids up etc and it would be wrong to make assumptions based on the small amount that has been said. The original poster has purely said that she would like set times which even you has said is reasonable and best for the children.
To suggest that the original poster should move out and imply that she isn’t doing right by her kids based on what little we know is to be frank out of order.5 May 2019 at 6:52 pm #24487
Sorry, I didn’t realise it wasn’t obvious – he’ll continue to do pick-ups meaning we’ll both do then as we do now. We both work full time, so there’s days when one of us has to be out early but finish early, iyswim. We share activities as well, and if it matters, I do most of the school / home stuff.
I’ve offered to be the one to leave as well. We’re going to be co-parents but the issue is fixed days for staying at his.5 May 2019 at 7:15 pm #24488
Thank tou for clarifying. It did sound as though he was more responsible for day to day childcare.
Then you need to either make a suggestion for the set days or you need to let the chaos play out for a time until he comes to this way of thinking…..
I would be thinking about quality time at weekends as that would be my starting point ensuring the children get quality time aka weekend time with both parents.
Then I would look at whether you’re intending on an every other day swap (not ideal imo). So if school pickups work I’d be inclined to suggest a week on/off approach given the children’s ages. Or you down route of three day alternate weekends for you both and then two other days each week.
If intending to discuss it may help having suggestions. But be aware that if he feels wronged it maybe too soon and he’ll just reject anything because it’s your suggestions and all he can see is how you benefit. That dust needs to settle.6 May 2019 at 8:39 am #24503
Thanks for the positive replies. It’s a tough time and the non judgemental thoughts helped.
Tbh, if I’d wanted to find out AIBU, I’d be on mumset ready for the nasty comments, not here.
I guess judgement is everywhere.6 May 2019 at 12:33 pm #24506
Perhaps I’m being dim but what does AIBU stand for?
I’ve been here on and off for years so can vouch that it’s very rare to get anything but support, both the posters and moderators are quick to jump in should anything start getting negative so please don’t let anything put you off from posting.