No home or money
6 January 2019 at 3:36 pm #19324
Hi I’m new here. I share 50/50 contact with the kids with my ex. He has a new partner and they have recently moved about an hour away. He works and I don’t. I am living at my parents with the children as I have nowhere else to go. My ex claims all child benefit and tax credits for both children. While we were together he was abusive and controlling although he never hit me. I can’t afford my own place and rely on my parents for food etc. I cannot find work as my youngest isn’t in school yet and I can’t afford childcare. I feel my life is not worth living and the kids will be better off without me.6 January 2019 at 4:02 pm #19326
Your doing the best you can don’t put yourself down. Have you contacted universal credit to find out your entitlement?
im a single parent with two children, it isn’t easy, give yourself a break. Look at your children and see what you’ve achieved x6 January 2019 at 4:19 pm #19328
Re the 50/50, I’m sorry to sound really dumb but the children stay at his 3/4 nights a week?
I’m sure that I read somewhere recently that you can challenge with Child Benefit Office and Tax credits who it’s paid to.
There’s a good forum on fbk who can help with this sort of thing.
Wishing you all the best6 January 2019 at 4:24 pm #19329
Good afternoon Ame,
I hear your concerns as a parent,
just to confirm the children are living with you at your parents?!
If that is the case I would get in contact with Child Benefit and inform them immediately of a change of circumstances, that the children are living with you and do have contact with their father.
Child benefit share information with HMRC (Tax Credits) they will contact your ex partner for confirmation, once established a decision will be made on entitlements and to whom the payments should be paid to, you should be able to move forward from there 🤞🏼
Also depending on how old your children are I would look for a local daycare that offers free childcare, that should give you some time to gather your thoughts and make an action plan for you and your family.
Things will get better in time, you will look back and smile at what you have overcome/ achieved.
Tomorrow is another day 🦋6 January 2019 at 4:45 pm #19334
Thank you all for the kind replies. Me and my ex have 50/50 contact. They stay with me 4nights one week then 3nights the next. It’s a very complicated routine and difficult to plan anything and also difficult to find any sort of work to get extra cash. I didn’t really have a say in it, as I explained he is very controlling. I have tried to explain to child benefit but they say there is nothing they can do as we are both eligible to claim and I have attempted to challenge it before only for my ex to snatch the children and I had to return to court to get contact again which cost my parents thousands of pounds. At present I’m getting £250 per 2 weeks esa. Also I’ve checked with the local authority about social housing but as I don’t receive child benefit I am classed as a single adult and am only eligible for one bedroom properties or shared accommodation.6 January 2019 at 9:58 pm #19348
Hi. My ex and I did the same. The child benefit agency gave me the money for one child and her the money for the other. Are you saying that he gets it all?7 January 2019 at 12:24 am #19352
Yes he gets it all atm. I have received tax credit for one of the children in the past but he kept re-applying until they gave it to him and so now I don’t receive anything for the children at all. I rely solely on my parents for their school dinner money and swimming lessons, ballet lessons and also school uniform etc. I don’t receive any money from my ex and rely solely on my parents for food. I know I could go to court to sort out the benefits but it costs so much I don’t know if it’s worth it. My parents have paid all legal fees in the past and have re mortgaged their home to pay for it. I feel so guilty as they cannot afford it even though they say they don’t care. I feel I have no option other than to move away and allow my ex full custody of the children,7 January 2019 at 3:02 am #19355
I am not going to tell you I understand what you are going through. I obviously don’t, I can only imagine the pressure and the heartache.
I have though been at the point where I felt my children would be better off without me, I could see no future and didn’t have a clue what to do.
I am a little matter of fact sometimes, so please excuse me if it comes across that way. You say you get £250 every 2 weeks. Not sure what that is from? Do you work part time or anything? Are you not entitled to free legal aid?
There is nothing I hate more than a bully, which is what it sounds like he is.
I know you must be tired, desperate and probably feel alone, even though your parents sound amazing. But what you can’t do, is give up and move away, not only for your children’s sake but because then your parents sacrifice will be for nothing.
PM me if you would prefer. Tell me how this all started, your circumstances now and let’s take it one step at a time. P.7 January 2019 at 6:41 am #19357
The money is from esa (it’s for people unable to work), It’s instead of Jobseeker’s Allowance.
No, legal aid is only given in cases were there is evidence of domestic violence. I never reported to the police so there is no evidence. The way things are now I feel like I will never be free of him. He calls up to 8 times a day and turns up at the school etc if I don’t answer. I’m suicidal and can’t get any help as he will use my mental health against me in court.7 January 2019 at 7:45 am #19359
Ame, that kind of constant calling is harassment. It’s bullying & illegal. He is trying to drive you out of your children’s lives when they badly need you. Don’t let him.
can you make a diary of everything that happens from now forwards. Log every call, every appearance at school, every threat. Log each time he is late bringing the children back. Once you have a month or so, contact women’s Aid and ask for help. They have lots of experience of dealing with these issues. And put in a counter claim for child benefit, you are entitled to half. Don’t give up. x7 January 2019 at 9:16 am #19363
If your feeling suicidal, you have to go and see your doctor. I have had anxiety since I was 20 and when I was going through the worst of my breakup, I had to go and get help as the anxiety increased. Doing so, has never come in to the equation. At the end of the day, you need to be there for your kids, so you need to dig deep, go and get that help and take it one day at a time.
Where abouts in the country are you? I do agree, with the previous post aswell. Keeping the diary and putting in some counter claims is a must.7 January 2019 at 4:06 pm #19409
I have been keeping a diary of calls and abusive texts since around September. I’m not sure what for. I just started to keep one. I can’t afford to go to court again at the moment so that’s not an option.
I am already on antidepressants. I’ve been in hospital with severe depression when me and my ex were together, so I know there is nothing more that can be done. I’ve tried nearly every anti depressant (some more than once). And I’ve attempted suicide many times too (although nothing since we split). I have anxiety too and find it difficult to do certain things that most people don’t even think about. I’d say I’ve felt like this since I was a child.
He has a bad temper and if I applied for the child benefit he would go mad.
I do stand up to him sometimes but it only makes him even more angry.7 January 2019 at 5:04 pm #19414
It’s not harsh. I know you are 100% right.
He will use the children to hurt me when he gets angry. He has taken them from school when it’s not his turn to have them. He has snatched my son from me in the street and refused to let me see them for 3 weeks. Unfortunately the police will not help me, it is classed as a domestic issue and they won’t get involved.
I cannot go to court without a solicitor. I have zero confidence and would never be able to represent myself. I think I would definitely be worse off if I did this.7 January 2019 at 5:05 pm #19415
I’m Justine, one of the moderators here at Gingerbread. Thank you so much for sharing your situation with the parents on the forum. I hope this is of support to you. I will be sending you an email with some signposting of agencies that can be useful for your current situation.
Thanks Justine7 January 2019 at 5:08 pm #19416
Firstly can I say how strong I think you are for sharing your story? It takes a lot to reach out to people.
Re all the others, reapply for child benefit etc but I suggest something? You haven’t had the police involved so far? With my ex, I was advised to contact the police because of everything the kids and I had gone through so we were flagged up as “vulnerable” because of ex’s behaviour.
The police were great and sent out specialist officers who were trained to deal with domestic violence situations.
Yes, then when needed the officers did come out to us.
Why does the ex ring so often? 8 times a day? You don’t have to take this. Can you tell him to make contact via text/email only?
Yes for children / finances, should Court action be required , you’ll have to go through mediation. It’s ok as the mediator can have you in a separate room. Should mediation fail, you’ll get your MIAM easily.
Please look after yourself, contact women’s aid, again invaluable to me.
Wishing you all the best