Newly to be single parent

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  BluebirdSue 2 weeks ago.

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  • #24500 Report

    Violetcrumble
    Participant

    Well what can I say…..

    100% not my decision to end an 18 year relationship, 7 of those married and it’s devastated me.

    He’s putting all the blame on me that I’m not good for him and has told me he doesn’t love me (many times, as if once wasn’t enough).

    He hates coming home from work and only comes home to see our daughters, not me.

    He’s looking at a house today to rent, has got his suitcase from parents and is going to a friends house this weekend to stay in the spare bedroom.

    Our girls are only 5 and 3 and our 5 year old has struggled when he’s gone away for weekends at a time so I’m going to have a lot of pieces to pick up.

    I also have no family support as I moved here from Australia for him so that is going to be a massive struggle. Wanting my parents or sister to just pop in is so hard.

    #24504 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Ignore him blaming you for a start. That’s just his guilt talking.

    Are you going to be ok for money. Is your elder daughter already in school?  It’s a horrible situation but I found focusing on the practical – finances, childcare, logistics, access – allowed me to keep going.

    Be kind to yourself, don’t expect too much.  Can you skype your mum?

    #24507 Report

    Iand
    Participant

    It is good to contact the people who you are close to, even if they are far away. I had to bring up my son in another country and found regular calls to my mum seemed to help a lot.

    #24512 Report

    Violetcrumble
    Participant

    Our eldest is in school yes.

    I’ve worked out money as best as I can and will have to see how I get on obviously.

    I’ve skyped my parents today which was good and they’ve said to always get in touch if I need it.

    Hate feeling this way, that I’ve let my kids down etc etc. So many emotions it’s unreal.

    #24525 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    You haven’t let your kids down. You aren’t leaving, you are the consistent reassurance in their lives.

    You’ll be there doing school run and play dates & swimming lessons, helping with teeth cleaning and making sure they eat well.

    And they will be fine, because of that.  Take it a day at a time.

    #24526 Report

    Iand
    Participant

    I agree, you haven’t let anyone done at all quite the opposite. You are hero that does all the things that your children need. Try not to be hard on yourself. We can’t control what other people decide to do, that is their decision, not our fault. You’ll do great.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  Iand.
    #24562 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    It’s easy to put the blame of not loving someone on the other person…. My ex did that to me.  In truth it takes two people, and if a person doesn’t feel the same anymore there is little you can do to change that…no words or even actions really can “fix it” and in some cases to try and win them back only pushes them further away.

    The best you can do is just be you…figure out who you are and dont change for anyone… Be the best parent you possibly can which I’m sure you are doing and friends and potential partners who appreciate you in their lives will be clear to see.  Anyone worth your time and effort won’t be someone you have to look for….they will already have come halfway

    As land and Kathy said above…you’ll do great.  Give yourself time.

     

    #24565 Report

    SoccerDad
    Participant

    Going through something similar at the moment and have had similar thoughts about letting people down. I know how you feel now is horrible, but it will get better, and you have not let anyone down – you are there for your children and they will know this now, and will certainly remember it in the future. If you have your Kids, that’s the most important thing – they are the one thing you can’t replace, and you will be OK ; the feelings do go, and you’ll have days where the clouds are not there so much, and it will get better – I promise, it’s getting better for me and I know others who have been through it too ; after the rain comes the Sun.

    #24685 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Am sure you aren’t letting anyone down either Soccerdad.  Hang in there, I bet your kids think you are doing great!  As you said that’s what matters 🙂

    #24828 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    A lot of good advice on here.

    What helps me more is dealing with the logistics of everything. It is easy for anyone to think back and pick at stuff but you need to try and focus on the stuff thats going to see you and your girls through. Like finances, housekeeping, schooling.

    My dad did the same to me and my sister and my mum bless her heart, raised us entirely on her own, with the weekly hour break she got (that was how much time my father could manage at the time).

    Even as I’m grown up my father’s actions still affect me I’m sorry to say. But you can control what you do. You can’t control what your ex does. If the kids get upset reassure them and distract them with an activity.

    Make a list in your mind of things you are not going to miss. It could be his noisy eating or washing his underpants. I think my list is so long it makes an encyclopedia look like a shopping list 😀

    Good luck message me if you like xx

     

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