Newly single, pregnant and heartbroken
20 March 2020 at 2:30 pm #38022
Really sorry for the long message, but I am so desperate to talk to anyone who understands how I am feeling.
There was a large age gap in my relationship, I am late 20s and he is mid 40s. He has been married before and has two children (19 and 10). We have been together for just under two years and have had a very happy, strong relationship. I do not see his 19 year old son very often but have had a very good relationship with his daughter, who I have always put 110% effort in with. Unfortunately, my partner’s ex wife has always been hell bent on trying to make life as hard as possible. He is a fantastic father and is in financial battles with his ex (he currently pays both her mortgage and CSA every month. The mortgage is solely his but their original set up was for her to live there and he left) There’s A LOT she has done to mentally hurt him over the two years we have been together, and to some I may seem silly for staying involved, but I fell head over heels in love with him and have always, always supported him, no matter what his ex has thrown at us.
That aside, we decided in September that I would come off the pill. This was very much a joint decision and since meeting my partner he has told me that he wants a child with me. I am now 18 weeks pregnant.
In January we put an offer in on a house and everything seemed perfect. He was excited, loving and attentive, however that all changed in early February when his ex wife very cruelly told both of his children that I am pregnant in an insensitive way – she also said she would stop at nothing to split us up, and then would destroy him. The 4 weeks following her doing this, his daughter refused to see me. She was still seeing her Dad (not as often as she should be) but refused to stay over or visit if I was there. The Sunday before we were due to complete the house, the ex wife told my partner that he has to choose between ‘his family or his new girlfriend’, said that their daughter’s hopes of them getting back together have been shattered, and he will not see her if he moves house. They have been split up for 3 years and are divorced, may I add. This made him distraught, albeit isn’t really doing much to resolve the situation, more just going with it, but was very distant with me over this month period.</span>
Three days after she said she would stop him from seeing her if we moved, he pulled the plug on our house move and asked me to move out. He told me he doesn’t want to be a Dad again and has been kidding himself for 3 months. I moved back into my parents house and a week later, we arranged to meet up to chat (Wednesday just gone). He was so, so heartless and cruel when we met. He said he does not want the baby, has no emotional attachment to something that isn’t born, and said he has been filled with dread since the day he found out I was pregnant, and that we were stupid for coming off the pill because we were not ready. He also said I need to have a long, hard think of whether I can do this on my own and I ‘still have options’.. eluding to abortion, but would not say it. To me this just makes absolutely no sense. I have messages from him for merely weeks ago saying I am his soulmate and he would never leave me. He said that this was all lies and he has been kidding himself, and that he hasn’t loved me since November. He has asked to not be updated about my pregnancy, does not want to be told the gender, and only wants to be told when they have been born, when he will then start to pay CSA. The last few months have admittedly been very hard, we argued / had a lot of tears over his ex causing this much distress at a time that should be relaxing and exciting.
I am now back at my parents and totally heartbroken with 100000 questions running through my mind. Could he really lie about his feelings for me throughout our whole relationship?? He is such an amazing Dad to his children, how could he physically abandon our child?? Is this the real him?? Is he going back to his ex?? Despite ALWAYS saying how wicked she was etc. I am trying to be strong, but I am so upset and people keep telling me I can do this, but I don’t feel like I can. I thought we would be together forever, I really did.
Any advice at all? Anyone in a similar situation20 March 2020 at 4:44 pm #38058
Wow does this sound similar to me, I am now 4 weeks into being single after me and partner split up.
All I can say is, you are going to be a mum now, an amazing one at that and you are bringing an amazing life into the world.
You deserve someone that puts you first and is proud to have you as their partner. Everything happens for a reason and I promise you your baby will give you the strength you need.
Let him carry on living a lie with his ex wife and try to refrain contact as I promise you he will most probably come around if that’s what you want,
Keep Strong x25 March 2020 at 7:17 pm #38326
That is a truly awful situation that you’re in, I’m very sorry for you.
At the end of the day you’re going to be a mother now and you need to set a standard for yourself, that you’d want your child to have, in terms of not putting up with people who mess around with your heart. It’ll get better, you’re a strong woman. You can do this!