Newly single parent, tell me it gets better
17 March 2018 at 1:51 pm #8831
2 weeks ago tomorrow my husband and I split due to violence on his part towards me. We have a 2.8 year old daughter (I) together, but she has developmental delays amongst other issues so is closer to a just turned 2 year old in terms of her understanding.
My husband has made no effort to see our daughter, who I assume is confused. He is banned from picking her up from Nursery (Social Services have told the Nursery not to release her to her father or any member of his family under any circumstances and to contact me or my mum and then the police if they attempt to take her) but is allowed to see her supervised. I don’t want to see him or supervise contact but would be happy for him to use a mutual friend (we have several) who I knows and is comfortable with but no nothing, he’s basically walked away from us and it breaks my heart. He spent 10 days in our flat before I managed to get an occupation order to get him out so I’m assuming that is why I is acting up as well as she’s moved to my mums, then moved home again but daddy’s not there.
Already today she’s thrown a toy at my mum while she was driving, she’s pulled the cats fur, pinched me and thrown a half eaten banana at a member of staff in Tesco. I am at the end of my tether, my anxiety levels are already threw the roof due to the incident 2 weeks ago, but with I’s behaviour thrown into the mix I’m really struggling. I’m not sure how much of it is her testing me to see if I’m going to go away too which I’d never do, I might leave her at Nursery for the day or with my mum or brother but I will always go back and get her, and how much of it is because while living at my mums she was not only spoilt but my mum also laughed at any bad behaviour thus undermining any punishment/consequences I put in place. She is also clinging to everything, we pick up a tin in Tesco to look at and it’s hers and she screams if I put it down, she’s started taking every soft toy she owns to bed with her. And she runs away during nappy changes, or while I’m trying to dress her. It’s really unlike her, she is usually laid back, placid, gentle and the happiest smiley child you’ll ever meet.
Nursery have said she’s quiet, and gets upset if her favourite member of staff (who also happens to be her keyworker (KW)) leave the room, and follows her round like a lost puppy. Thankfully her KW has also been through DV when her own daughter was little and knows how clingy children can get. I did witness the incident which was the final straw, although I’m not exactly sure how much she understood.
Feels good to rant! We’ve had issues with my husbands parents making threats to kidnap I because husband has told them nothing of what’s happened so they think he should be resident parent, they also think that I doesn’t have any medical issues and I over exaggerate.
Tell me it gets better? Tell me I will stop testing me? Because right now it feels like a punishment for getting her out of a dangerous situation. Tell me that in a years time I’ll wonder what all the fuss was about with me being single? Because right now all I want is my husband back, which is ridiculous because he hurt me and that’s unacceptable so I can never have him back.17 March 2018 at 2:18 pm #8832
I think you’re both much better without him in yours or your daughter’s life. If he wants to change that he will need to seek mediation or court action – and he’d get nowhere because of your past with him. Let him worry about that. You wanting him back will change. It’s only been two weeks. Physical and mental abuse is a curious thing (I know) because a part of you can blame yourself. Give it a few months at least. Your daughter clearly needs some help, possibly something medical, but I would suggest at first you speak to Family Lives – a free 24 hour support line: 0808 800 2222. They can probably point you in the right direction. Also, it’s good to know someone can listen to a rant occasionally!
As for the kidnap threat that is breaking the law and if I were you I’d report it. It will also help you out later down the line. Trust me on this, and report it to the police.
You need to have a good chat with your mother – let her know what you’re going through and suggest you need her support with parenting issues.
All the best. Loss of a partner always gets easier, especially bad ones.25 March 2018 at 2:21 pm #9139
Thought I’d update.
I is behaving much better now! Had the health visitor check her over but she couldn’t find any physical problems with her so thought it was just her acting out due to the situation, which of course has now calmed down a bit.
Still stressed with everything I need to sort but I’m getting there slowly!25 March 2018 at 2:27 pm #9140
Glad to hear it. It does get better, honestly.