Newly single parent and clueless
16 March 2021 at 12:18 pm #51511
Hi everyone! Hope your all okay!
So I’m a week into being a single mamma. Just a bit or background. Me and my partner were together for 4 years. He has full custody of his daughter from a previous relationship (I got involved when she was 18 months old). He used to work nights so it was always me and her at home together. Don’t get me wrong. It was rough. She doesn’t see her mum so I became her mother figure.
8 months later I was pregnant. My little boy is now 2 years old. Me and my ex were arguing alot in front of the kids and we’ve changed loads.
he works all the time and rarely had any involvement with either children so we made the difficult decision to end things.
he’s gone back to his mums and Iv taken over what was out home. I haven’t seen my daughter since he left over a week ago.
Iv asked to see her and he’s not letting me. I understand she isn’t biologically mine, but I grew to love her and Iv always treated her as my own. Is there anything I can do to have contact!
he keeps randomly turning up at the house. Unlocking doors and letting himself in and just throwing abuse at me in front of our son
Iv asked him to sit down with me to arrange days to see his son and so the siblings can see each other but he won’t.
how long do I try for with him? He’s like a completely different person16 March 2021 at 1:00 pm #51525
Im real sorry to hear of the circumstances surrounding contact. That must be very hard for you ! It will be very hard for his daughter too and she must miss you badly and i dont see why he cant see that? She must ask him about you. I know this isnt much help but as its been a week maybe there is hope that he will change his mind and let you see her? Maybe hes being stubborn at the moment? Its all quite raw and new for everyone involved and i hope when/if you get a chance to chat with when hes calm then maybe he will see how much it would help his daughter to see you? Hope so. Take care x17 March 2021 at 2:08 pm #51613
Thankyou. I really don’t think he will chang his mind. I asked to see her for a few hours for Mother’s Day and I got told no. It’s just heartbreaking17 March 2021 at 3:56 pm #51619
Bless you. Its going to be heartbreaking. Im just hoping he will come round to the idea of you seeing her soon. Its all still very new to you all. The only thing i would say for sure is that he owes you this and he definitely owes her this. As well as being cruel on you it will be cruel on her too. Thats his daughter and while i dont know him im sure he wouldnt want to be cruel to her. It just he cant see that he is being cruel to her yet. Maybe give him time? Id have no idea how much time to give but hopefully you get to chat to him,explain and sort things from there. I really hope he comes round to your way of thinking. It must have been hard Mothers day and im certain you didnt deserve that. Maybe just stick with the thought that youve done nothing wrong and your trying your best. Sooner rather than later i hope he will see that. xx17 March 2021 at 3:59 pm #51620
Yeah. That’s what I’m hoping. It’s really horrible as I have no rights to her but Iv been her “mum” for the past 4 years.
I had to give her her Easter treats when I saw her as he said I wouldn’t be seeing her again.
im just about to go pick my little boy up from hun and he’s told me to message when I’m outside as he does r want her seeing me 🙁17 March 2021 at 7:26 pm #51632
Well if id been anyones “mum” for 4 years then id sure as hell want a Mothers day card at the least. Im sorry if i sound harsh ,i dont mean to be,just my way. I just cant believe this is happening when its so very obvious that you are the ” mum” that she has known and its been taken away so abruptly and downright cruelly. Surely he will realise that this is helping no one. I guess one day he will understand but then again i dont know him. Maybe he will never understand but i hope for your sake and the childs that he will. Im so sorry he said you won’t see her again. Maybe he was just being cruel as it’s still so raw? Maybe you all need time. I dunno, im talking like i know this stuff ! Ive no idea it just seems so wrong. Of all the stories on here your one just hits home so hard. Cant pinpoint it. Just seems so very wrong. I really,really hope it all works out for you i sincerely do. Take care xx17 March 2021 at 8:01 pm #51638
That’s the worse thing, that I have to just accept what he says. I’m thankful he’s seeing our son and that the siblings can have a relationship but loosing my daughter is just so unbearable x17 March 2021 at 8:22 pm #51641
Im sure that is so very hard ! I cant even begin to tell you how much my heart goes out to you ,your daughter and yes,your ex too. This is such a rough time for you all. It aint gonna be easy and hopefully no one has told you that it will be . Its gonna mess with your heads for a while yet. Sometimes in a relationship people say things they dont really mean. When a relationship breaks down then that can be amplified and seem so horrifyingly worse. For your own sanity and that of your daughters please hold on tight. You know youll get there, deep down she knows youll get there and somewhere in his head he knows youll get there too. If you want to PM then no probs as id love to know how it goes for you. Your in my head now ! Pack it in. !17 March 2021 at 9:13 pm #51643
Thankyou. It’s just so much harder as I’m only her step parent so I have no rights. He’s saying that her seeing me will cause her confusion. But I think her feeling “dumped” would be worse. We used to do girly pamper nights on a Wednesday night while her dad was working so I gave a little package to him tonight for her but I doubt she got it. Iv always fought for her mum to be involved in her life but he wouldn’t have it so I highly doubt I will be. My little boy is keeping me strong but it’s just horrible. I can’t even get my ex to sit down or call me and tell me how she is. He’s even removed me as an emergency contact st school 🙁 x17 March 2021 at 9:30 pm #51645
My God this must be so hard. I cant even imagine. Im not even going to try to imagine because im sure i wouldn’t even get near to the thoughts that this must bring to you. Still a bit confused how it would cause her confusion. Reckon she would rather see you than not. I bet she wants to see you and obviously you want to see her so im unsure why he wouldnt want to let that happen. Sent you a PM. Hope you dont mind. x17 March 2021 at 9:35 pm #51646
Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect. Iv been suffering with depression and anxiety which really is not like me. I also got diagnosed with PTSD after my little boy. He doesn’t understand how I can’t just crack on and deal with it. He works nights which I really struggled with. Sometimes our little girl would cry for hun for attention and I struggled to manage both of them when I couldn’t settle her. She would have outbursts and say she hated me. I’d tell him in the morning and then he would sleep all day so again wasn’t there. I think she missed hun which resulted in her playing up. He decided he couldn’t hack my up and down ness and moved out and I’m presuming that because she played up he thinks it’s best to keep her away. Iv spoken to her on the phone tonight, she’s with my mother in law who allows me to call and my daughters said she wants to come home. It was so hard to hear X17 March 2021 at 10:02 pm #51649
Hey no ones perfect. Im certainly not and im yet to speak to anyone who is. Not sure what PTSD is but i know i got OCD. Long story. It must have been really hard to hear her on the phone but at least you got to hear her voice? Your lucky to have a Mother in Law who at least cares enough to realise you need to have contact. Great start ! Hopefully she can convince him too. You sound like you are trying so hard and it must be like trying to run a race with one leg tied behind your back. Or like the sack race where you had to hop,jump,fall over and get back up and start again. Actually,my whole life feels like that ! Or maybe the egg and spoon where you had to balance the egg on the spoon on a particularly bumpy school playing field. Thats how life feels. Or at least to me it does. I keep getting back up but im running out of eggs. What is PTSD anyway? Ive heard of it but not sure. Excuse my ignorance. x17 March 2021 at 10:34 pm #51650
Hey don’t worry,. It’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had a really horrible labour. We thought we was going to loose our baby. He spent 14 days in intensive care and the doctors couldn’t quite work out what was wrong, he’s fine now though thank god. I’m really sorry that’s all I can say as I just can’t bring myself to talk about it. But yeah. That’s it really.
Mother in law is amazing but i have to think of the reprocussion for her, if my daughter said she spoke to me to her dad then I don’t want her in trouble, so it was tonight only unfortunelt but I know my daughter is okay and she’s said she wants tj come home and she misses me so surely I can fight this,.17 March 2021 at 10:54 pm #51651
Im real sorry bout not understanding the whole PTSD thing. I shouldnt have asked really. Its great that your Mother in Law is helping and yea sure it will be a fine balancing act but you clearly already have somebody who understands. Shes willing to take the risk of getting into trouble because she KNOWS its right that you and your daughter talk/have contact. Shes already on your side. Yea so it was tonight,who knows tommorow night? Were not there yet. She wants to come home and misses you. Great to know that you heard that shes ok. Keep it up . Youll get there. You sound like a fighter. Youll be fine xx