Newly single mum feeling overwhelmed

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  • #6402 Report


    Hiya I’ve recently become a single mum 2nd time around…. I have 2 older Children from a relationship and 2 younger ones from a recent one.

    I’ve always managed to maintain contact between my  older children and their dad, but my ex is being really awkward.
    Ive offered visits, texts, facetime sent photos and done my very best so my children do not miss out but he’s not stuck by any of it.

    But seems because I won’t agree to daily visits, its not good enough and now he wants to go the messy route of courts. but I can not commit my life around my ex daily, we have to have our time to move on.

    The problem being our relationship broke down because he put me and our children in danger! I do not trust him to be alone with them until im confident no harm will be done.

    I have no idea where to turn too next. I have logged all my text asking him to contact, I’ve made a daily log of how ofter he contacts and I have got messages off him saying he’s very happy with how i’ve included him in everything.

    I just dont get it. its so overwhelming, I can not offer more than I have.
    I dont want to have a decision made for us.
    As parents surely there should be work both ways in agreeing whats suitable and whats just beyond doing.

    His family have never bothered with my children, yet now all being super supportive to him.
    His parents refused to visit although offered. not seen our children in a month! Yet now they want him to take it through court?

    Do anyone have any knowledge on whats acceptable visitation for a 1 and 2 year old please?
    I need to know that im not being unreasonable as I want whats best for my children.

    Many thanks
    A super stressed mummy!!!

    #6414 Report


    Unfortunately, as it seems you cannot agree from what I can make out it seems like you may have to go through the courts if he’s being a nightmare. However, if there is a genuine concern that he is unsafe for the kids to be around then there is no way a judge or whoever would deem him to be more suitable to have your children

    #6473 Report


    Looks like thats the direction we are heading in, turned up severely hungover for visit if not still drunk, couldn’t provide full care, went on a 3 day drinking binge, when i asked him to not turn up in that state again, hes gone round accusing me of being controlling…didn’t turn up for planned visitation again. Just focusing on me and the kids now and what will be will be.  I cant do anymore than I have.. I’m sticking to what im legally required to do with updates on their health and well being according too the site on parental responsibilities.  least my back is covered and my conscience is clear 🙂

    #6508 Report


    Hi xxtwinklexx,

    Really sorry to hear what you’re going through. We hope you find it useful to share your experiences on the forum.

    We’ve dropped you an email with a bit of information that might be helpful so do check your inbox when you get a chance.

    All the best,

    Faye at Gingerbread

    #6593 Report


    Hi Twinkle,

    I have just come out of a year long court battle for my daughter, this should be a last resort.  Firstly I would strongly suggest mediation unless you or your children are in danger.  The Cafcass website has a wealth of information on this.  I am also happy to advise on anything relating to the process via PM, or if you just want to chat/soundboard.

    Hope it all works out for you and the situation improves soon


    #6598 Report


    Thank you so much Jason, means a lot! this is not the route I want to take but the route he feels he will get most from, he wants our daughters daily which is not an option. But he’s under some illusion that this can happen,  I also have older children that I have to take into consideration too and having both sets living separate lives is impossible. He’s making life extremely difficult for himself and me and it’s sadly the children that miss out!

    i did contact mediation but he’s shown no interest in even so much as a text message lately so figured I’d just leave things where they are and wait to see his next step. Focus on them instead of him.

    i do provide weekly updates for him with what the girls are upto, as I believe he’s intitled to know this with his parental responsibility and according to the gov site it’s up to me to provide this.

    I never had any of this with my sons father years ago so all this fight and bitterness is new to me.

    hope things went well for you and your daughter and sorry it’s sad that it takes so long. x


    #6610 Report


    No problem at all… No, I agree with you, his demands do not seem at all realistic!  Unless his contact with them is detrimental he should be part of their lives but as you say it sounds like he is not thinking of them here.  I think what you are doing is great in terms of giving weekly updates what they are doing etc, also trying to facilitate contact. (Keep this documented though).

    If he is not bothering to reach out to you or make efforts to put a reasonable custody arrangement in place then focus on the kids (and yourself!) it sounds like he is doing some of this to get at you, try not to at least show it is having any effect… In time it will get easier.

    Yes, in the end I got the result I wanted, it just dragged out (unnecessarily in my view), hope it all works out for you too.  Try not to let things get to you, my advice is take it a step at a time each day and try not to tackle it on your own as a whole.  It will get sorted in the end with time and perseverance.

    Also found this site quite comforting in a way, there are so many of us in different stages of the same situation, helps to not feel quite so alone!

    #6660 Report


    Thank you for you kind reply, it’s nice to be able to have the opinion of someone who has been where my ex wants too drag me…..again very unnecessary because all he will get at the end of it is exactly what i’ve already offered, well probably a lot less than offered with the current  situations but it’s his choice I suppose.  Its no longer my job to help him make the correct decisions…I shall keep doing what i’m doing, bite my lip, take deep breaths and carry on, I think I will allow the next move too be his if he decides too take it and just continue to focus on the children until that time….Strange how people you think you know best can change so much… I’d like a temporary escape from him and the troubles but because he’s local and on tv at the moment, he’s all over social media.. Everyone things the sun shines from his bum…and I cant get away from it all…..This is like my little corner of safety from it all…hidden in thsi little corner of this forum lol

    It is definitely a comfort in knowing i’m not alone because most days it definitely feels like it. It’s hard work trying to start over and build a new life when there is no one else around in the same boat!:)

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