Newly Single Mum
30 December 2019 at 11:18 am #34629
I don’t even know where to start! My Partner left me and my 2 year old daughter 5 days before Christmas. All he has said is that he’s been unhappy for a while and small resentments have just escalated. He left us before on my daughters second birthday and said that nothing has changed since then, but agrees that he has done nothing to change and hasn’t actually told me everything to enable me to change.
I’m struggling. Struggling with thinking he can just walk out on his family like that with no real effort to save it, struggling with the increased responsibilities as we have a dog as well. Struggling with the excruciating mummy guilt with things like, not giving her a sibling, having to move out of her home because we can’t afford it, probably having to move her from her nursery and her friends dependant on where we live.
I’ve managed to cover childcare for all of January and will need to ask to change my working hours to be able to cover it. He’s a Police Officer so I have worked out a rota, in the hoping he will communicate with me soon, as off March so he can see her once a week. He’s seen it and is unhappy, I don’t understand how he can leave us with a snap of his fingers but then expect all to be normal with access. He’s put her to bed a couple of times and she wakes up in the middle of the night inconsolable because he’s not here, so it’s affecting her.
I just feel like I’m trying to do the best for everyone else and not doing anything for me and the mummy guilt isn’t allowing me to have time for myself because I need to be there for her.
I feel very very alone and have panic attacks at night thinking about it. It’s just overwhelming and I don’t know what to do.
Carly30 December 2019 at 12:03 pm #34630
Carly your not alone and your doing a great job for your little one. Mummy guilt is never ending I have 3 10, 5 and 2 and there is always one I’ve upset because I didn’t something wrong but I know they love me. Keep your chin up it does get a bit easier My husband leaft 6 months ago I have my hard days but I’m slowly starting to have better days. Only advise I can offer is to let your feelings out of you keep them in it makes you worse. If you want to message me please feel free even to have a rant and moan xx your not alone keep your chin up 😊30 December 2019 at 12:48 pm #34631
Thank you for your reply, it means so so much. I’m not in a great place and to know there is someone who has been through it and it gets easier helps a lot and I just get the sense from my friends and family that I’m beginning to sound like a broken record.
He was mine and my daughters rock, there was no one else, he was just unhappy and didn’t talk to me so let it build up. The hurt is unimaginable and trying to support my daughter is just difficult.
Its just going to be a lot of upheaval for my daughter, and I hate that 😢30 December 2019 at 1:48 pm #34635
I am in a very similar situation. I am new to this website and forum and unfortunately new to being a single mum.
my husband left me two months ago saying that the spark has gone. I did not believe him at first and left the door open saying that he can come back to me when he decides that actually he still loves me and wants to work on it.
As the house was rented through his work, I knew I had to move out with my 2 year old daughter and I had to take our dog since she is very attached to the dog. Well I am attached to our dog as well. I moved out within a week as I could not stand living there under one roof with someone who do not want me anymore but whom I still love. I moved from Nottingham to my sister in Hull. She was kind enough to give me a room until I sort everything out. But of course I had to leave my job and take my little one from the childminder she has started worming up to.
The last two years were very difficult i our relationship. After giving birth I got a terrible depression. Was taking medication cause I could not afford to dwell on my feelings as I wanted to be there for my little one. He started running away from me and from time to time shouting things like You are miserable etc. But I could not help that and I needed him to help me. He was not there for me. Still I have regrets now thinking that maybe I was too distant and maybe I could do something earlier to stop it from happening? I mean the relationship breakdown. I did not really speak to him much and he did not speak to me much either apart from when he was angry shouting all the nasty things. I know it was not fair. But I also know that it must have been hard on him – my illness. I got better after over a year and stopped taking the pills. I got a part time job and thought about going to some marriage counsellors etc I wanted to speak to him but he was very distant. So I kind of knew it was going in a very wrong direction but had hopes till the last minute. And beyond as I told him he can come back.
Spoken to him yesterday and he told me he definitely want a divorce. I am so upset, angry, feeling guilty and all those mixed feelings are overwhelming me.
I also know that by being sad I am affecting my daughter and this gives me even more guilt. I am trying to stay in one piece but it is very hard. My sister is fantastic with financial support etc but we have never talked about things like that and I have not talked to her either. I donot have anyone to talk to or cry or you know, just have a runt when I feel like now.
I have been with him for 17 years and it is very difficult to stop loving him. Even thought I know he was very often selfish and nasty, I still remeber the good times , the good days and I am really really upset. And guilty. i am feeling like I failed and did not give him what he needed. And I did not give my daughter what she needed.
my daughter is asking about him several times a day now. He is coming for one day a week but it is not enough for her. it is all so upsetting
i do not know what to do with myself.
Gosia30 December 2019 at 5:37 pm #34643
I’m a PA so organisation is my thing and uncertainty grates on me, which is why I think this has hit me so hard 🙁 it was only a few months ago we were agree a remortgage and thinking about another baby.
How can someone just leave? He’s angry that he will only see her 1 day a week, but with his shifts he can’t see her anymore and she needs routine rather then seeing him on random days and weekends. I know when it comes to childcare, he should have her 50% of the time but how do I know he won’t just leave her? He’s done it to us twice and on two pretty important days!30 December 2019 at 10:04 pm #34650
Hi Carly. Its sounds like we’re in very similar situations. My husband left on boxing day. We have 2 children, 8 and 3. He said he didn’t love me anymore and hasn’t been happy for a long time. He wasn’t planning on leaving for another week but I found out he was having an affair as well, with someone at work. We have been together 17 years. He’s also a police officer too! I’m struggling with to dread that I won’t be able to stay living in our home, my childrens home, that they may have to move school and nursery. That I won’t be able to provide the life that they’re used to. I thought I was a good wife and friend to him but I must bear some responsibility for the fact that my girls now cry themselves to sleep each night. It’s just horrible. I’m sorry that you are also going through this horror. It sounds like you are very organized and have got it together though. We all feel the mum guilt all the time so try not to let it get you down. I hope your husband starts to see reason x31 December 2019 at 3:54 pm #34667
I’m going through this too. Feel so alone and have suffered panic attacks that I never have in my life before. Pulse was racing so fast I nearly ended up in hospital. It’s a real struggle just to get through every day just now.31 December 2019 at 5:22 pm #34675
BigAlittleB sounds like you having exactly the same worries as me. I just don’t understand how a man can say he loves his daughter but then cause them so much upheaval in their life, just because he’s ‘unhappy’ and the only way he knew how to deal with that was to walk away and relinquish all responsibilities! But then has the cheek to say he doesn’t like the plan for access to his daughter 😞
It’s all so stressful. HollyBear13, one thing a lot of people have said is take one day at a time, and being a PA….I naturally can’t because I’m constantly planning weeks and months in advance, but I’m slowly coming round to it. My house doesn’t have to be sold right this second, my daughter doesn’t have to be taken out of nursery right now…..try and think like that, it has made my panic subside. X