Newly seperated

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  • #11044 Report

    VikkiJ
    Participant

    Hi. I am very newly seperated and am struggling with my emotions at the moment. After 15 years with my husband (married for 9 years) he has told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I have asked for couples therapy but he doesn’t want to. I know deep down it’s over but I can’t deal with it. We have 2 children ages 13 and 6 and I don’t want to be upset in front of them but it’s really hard for me to act like everything is ok. To make matters worse he is still living here and sleeping on the sofa but living his own life and going out and coming back whenever as he has nowhere to go and no money to leave yet. In fact he was going to wait a few more months until he had saved enough money to go but it was only that I noticed his mood change etc that I kept asking what was wrong and he told me. Any advice would be appreciated 😩

    #11052 Report

    Nastbury
    Participant

    Hi Vikki. First off, I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

    You have picked a good site for emotional support and advice.  I have found it very reassuring to read, and occasionally venture opinion to others, in the last few months.

    My wife and I agreed to divorce in early December, after I caught her committing adultery.

    Despite your emotions understandably being all over the place, you will get through it.  If you are not strong for you, be as strong as you can be for the children.  Relate do two good books – healthy divorce, and helping children cope with divorce – which are really helping me (£2.50 or so each off eBay delivered). Gingerbread also do good helpsheets.  Don’t bottle things up: figure and talk to your friends and family, figuring out who your support network is.  Time will heal, even if it does feel raw now.

    Got to dash. I’ll try more later

     

     

    #11057 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    Hello Vikki. When my wife wanted a trial separation 8 weeks ago, it was a shock and I couldn’t understand it. Reading posts and comments on here gave me a bit of reassurance because there are a lot of people in similar situations. I found it good to talk about it and get things of my chest,write them down, anything that helped, because I didn’t have anyone I could talk to. Take care.

    #11078 Report

    Shazney30
    Participant

    Hi Vikki,

    I am very sorry to hear this. In September last year my husband of 9 years said he didn’t want to be married to me anymore and we had to live together for 6 weeks it was really hard. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you with two children and all of the emotions you must be feeling. My son was just 2 at the time so for me was a lot easier to keep my emotions to myself. But as people have said already above you mustn’t keep your emotions bottled up. And the living together whilst seperated won’t be for long.

    I too had to endure my ex husband living in my home and returning at all hours in the night and sometimes not retuning at all. I later found out that he had started a new relationship just 2 weeks after we split up. It was pretty heart breaking at the time. I remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough and it was a really tough time. However talking to people really helped me. I also have seen a professional counsellor which was very helpful to me. Maybe something to consider?

    I too suggested to my ex husband that we try couples therapy and he too declined. It is a really frustrating and isolating time. But remember we are all here to support one another in what is such an awful time. I can honestly say time makes things a lot easier. It may not appear like it now but it really does. For me 8 months down the line and I feel like a completely different person totally for the better.

    Take care and keep chatting and don’t bottle up those emotions. As how you feel is completely valid and important to address.

    S

     

    #11081 Report

    Stewart67
    Participant

    Hi Vikki sorry to hear you’re going through. I feel I can understand where you’re coming from and I agree with what’s said in the posts above.

    My wife announced in January but she didn’t love me any more after me questioning her about her distant behaviour. This year would’ve been our 10th wedding anniversary, in total we have been together 13 years we have a little boy will be 7 next month.

    At first she denied that anyone else was involved and I asked  if we can go to couples counselling it’s something she declined.

    Four weeks later after more pressing for me she confessed that she was having an affair. She had been seeing this person since before Christmas and she admitted it wasn’t just sex , but she had feelings for him. How was escalated so quickly, to the point of starting a 13 year relationship down the toilet in a matter of months totally devastated me. She even bought him a valentines card which I found which was excruciating to think that she said she’d only started seeing him in December 2 months later she would buy a card and she barely manage to get me one.

    She said she wanted space and time to work out what she wanted to but she has caused a total chaotic situation by confessing to 3 best friends about the affair before I knew (all mums of our little boy‘s best friends at school) and got them and their husbands and embroiled in the situation.

    She made a decision she told me that she was gonna stop seeing him while she was working out what you wanted to do, she stayed in the house for further six weeks sleeping in the spare room, four weeks into that I called around again having sex with him while she was going to be at work .

    Yeah only way I can describe it was that she looked like my wife, sound like my wife, and was acting like everything was normal around other people, but it was like she’d been abducted by aliens and someone had taken over, I just don’t know her anymore.

    I’ve found talking to family and friends, and in fact anyone else I could talk to really useful and cathartic. I’ve told cabdrivers people in the sauna at my local gym, friends that I haven’t spoken to for ages when they randomly called me, even my work colleagues.

    she’s been out of the house of 4 weeks now and I’m starting slowly to come to terms with things and feel stronger.

    more than happy to talk about some of the techniques I’ve been using to cope. Drop me a line or respond on here.

     

    all the best, you are not alone.

    stewart

     

     

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