Newly seperated. Wondering how my life can change so quickly

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  • #21268 Report

    mammy3.0
    Participant

    Hi, I’m new in here and just found this site as I sat here in my bed googling about how to survive separation…Yep, sad right…

    My husband and I have 3 children 18m, 7 and 12. Things haven’t been great probably since we had our youngest. When he became controlling and paranoid, accusing me of all sorts of things.

    I ended things a few weeks back after he packed his bags for the umpteenth time and I told him to just go. I was sick of living on a threat, borrowed time, pressured into things just because I knew I would have a full interrogation if not.

    Initially I felt liberated. I felt free. I could use my phone without questions. I could make a few small changes around the home, i didnt have to answer to him about my every movement. However, now I just feel sad. Sad all the time. I put a brave face on for the children but I am broken inside, and pretty much cry all night once they are in bed. I know what I have done is for the best long term but I am so scared and lonely. I am also so angry that he didn’t get help when I asked him to.

    Today, I’ve had to rehome our dog. My children are so sad and angry with me. I had no choice as he was refusing to help with the dog when I worked shifts (13 hour nights).

    He’s messaged asking for my permission to move on. We were together 15 years….I have literally only ever slept with 2 people. How can he just ask this so quickly??

    I have a skin condition, which worsened when I had my youngest and I’ve lost all confidence in my body. I hate the way I look. I literally hid in the bathroom to get dressed, but he never understood that this was due to my own insecurities, not because I was having an affair.

    I have the best group of friends, most are married but I literally feel so lonely. I don’t think I will ever be able to meet anyone else and I am so scared for my future.

    …and bloody Facebook… just when you think your getting there, memories pop up,  memories which make you wonder “how can my life have changed so much so quickly”. People make pregnancy announcements oh and of course engagements and continued declarations of undying love and happy pictures…

    I know this is so rambly (I can’t even bring myself to re read it) but I just wanted to write something down.

     

    I’m sorry for anyone reading this. I just feel so dark and low…and angry.

    #21270 Report

    Westernchampion
    Participant

    Please don’t apologise for how you feel. we are only human after all. When you’ve been with someone for so long and they have taken up such a bit part of your left it’s like a bereavement. It takes time but you can do it, if I can then anyone can. All the emotions you’re feeling right now we can all relate to in some way. I know I can. I sympathize about having to re-home your dog. Something I’ve been faced with but only working part-time currently it’s not an issue but it will be in the future.  Good that you have friends around you, If you ever need to talk, were here for you.

    #21281 Report

    Toireasa
    Participant

    As hard as it is, it sounds to me like you did the right thing. His behaviour sounds psychologically abusive and you don’t need that, and neither do your children.

    Don’t take it ‘personally’ that he is moving on so quickly. People handle things differently, and particularly some men find that a useful way to avoid having to actually explore their own contributions to a relationship breakdown.

    The most important thing to remember is that you don’t need to worry about finding someone else right now, you need to find a way to be ok in yourself and with your children, and if/when the time and person are right then it will work itself out. You have a future, and it is your future, not the future he was trying to control you to have.

    Everyone here understands how hard it is, particularly at the start, but it does get easier and you will find the support you need in time with friends and family and sharing with others who understand. One day at a time.

    #21284 Report

    Welshdad
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing all that, it’s a brave thing to do.  It’s good you are feeling angry and as bad as it seems even that you are able to feel sad because very commonly after this kind of thing it’s numb that people feel…and it can take a long time to work through that.  Don’t fight what you’re feeling but give yourself permission to feel the way you do, especially as you say the new found freedom to not feel opressed, so no matter how you feel know it’s ok to do so.

    Toireasa above is absolutely right about focusing on you and kids right now and not be in a hurry to move on just yet, and it sounds like your confidence has taken quite a knock. It does take time but being out of an opressive situation can do wonders for

    When it comes to facebook there are a million reasons why people speculate it can be beneficial to take a break.  There are good things that come from it granted, but it does put a lot of things into public view that should be private and this has almost become the accepted norm.  While tempting to search for answers or try to figure out whats happened or happening, during a breakup it’s one of the worst places you can spend time…especially when trying to figure out which if your 300 “friends” on there are actual genuine friends.  Remember how people portray themselves on there is a rose tinted account of their lives at best and complete fiction at worst…so comparing your own life to what appears to be the perfect lives of others will only get you down.  Focus on where you get real support and go make a great life for yourself.  You will get there …you will look back on all this and be amazed how far you’ve come 😊

     

    #21290 Report

    Kanger1
    Participant

    Hi

    Sorry to hear of your situation. Agree it is bizarre when you look back not that long ago and everything seemed fine and then have to deal with the now – my ex ended our marriage at the beginning of January, I thought we had been working on things prior to that but apparently not :-/

    Sorry you had to rehome your dog, ours went for rehoming at the weekend too it just feels alot at once doesn’t it?

    People are great support on here, you will get through this and come out stronger 🙂

    First step posting on here will help you greatly. Not looking too far ahead right now helps too?

    We will all get there together 🙂

    #21291 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Hi mammy3.0,

    I ask myself the same question several times a week now (not a day as in the beginning!) – Much of what you said is similar to my situation other than we had been together 23 years and it wasn’t my choice for him to go.  In the space of the last 6 months, he went, my eldest DD moved out, the house has sold pending move (in next couple of weeks now) and divorce papers signed – Had a few tears of my own again today signing the consent order it all seems very real.

    I know what you mean about FB, my birthday was at the end of Nov and I deactivated my account the week before and didnt turn it back on til Jan as I couldn’t cope with the thought of everyone wishing me happy birthday (it was my worst bday ever spent at the docs & with the solicitors) and then all the ‘joy’ of Xmas.  It did help me clear out people who I wasn’t really friends still with & all inlaws side and I don’t now check it as much as I used to.  Everything else feels as though its happening around me but I suppose there will be more tears when I finally move out even though the house feels like a shell now and not home.  I think we do cope because we have to & the people on this website are fab – Just when you think you are the only one thinking/feeling like you do someone is there to make you 🙂 because they have/or are been there too.

    PS I haven’t ‘moved on’ and can’t even bear to think about that side of things after this length of time – He went straight to OW who he swore blind didn’t exist – That feels like a kick every time I think about them… Maybe one day!!

    #21363 Report

    dazuk
    Participant

    hey there, i dont have any nuggets of wisdom for you, or sound advice. i have been asking myself this same question for a couple of months now. i wont bore you with the nuts n bolts of things, but i also invested multiple years in someone…we have a 1 year old daughter who i love dearly. my world has been flipped on its head real quick and and it is traumatic. not sleeping, crying, how could you do this? did i ever know you?…..these things dominate my life right now. im sorry i haven’t got more supportive words like other posters but i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel.

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