Newly separated with 2 young children. Ex Lying

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  • #39963 Report

    Amelia
    Participant

    I have two children, a 2&half year old and 9 month old. My husband moved out when my baby was 2 months old. He has been having an affair & continues to lie to me on many occasions. He has been extremely difficult, toyed with my emotions and controlling. I set up a visitation schedule and he has let down the kids I several occasions. Since moving out he has been on holiday twice pre lockdown and since lockdown he has lost his job. At the start of lockdown he gave me the impression he would stay with us, but then changed his mind last minute. We isolated for 14 days and he didn’t come until 3 weeks. He then stayed for 4 nights and then went to his sisters and we set up a visitation schedule throughout this time. I since discovered he was lying and whilst being here and his sisters, he was also commuting back and forth from his girlfriends who lives three and half hours away. I was furious as this is unnecessary long distance travel and mixing of 3 households. I’ve been really stressed over it all & ultimately just want him to put his children first. I told him he could see the kids if he proved he was at his sisters otherwise we’d FaceTime. He keeps saying I’m stopping him from seeing the kids. Now lockdown is at some point easing I’m confused as to when I should let him see them again.

    we have no court order in place. We were about to start mediation pre lockdown but has been put on hold. Help.

    #39965 Report

    Bunnyhop
    Participant

    It sounds like you need to take a step back and just breathe. I know this must be really stressful for you, god knows its difficult enough having 2 young ones and thats without throwing in an unreliable ex and a lockdown into the mix. But I’ll tell you where things stand for you right now. Firstly I would suggest following up any info you’re given on here with your own legal advice as obviously every case can be different depending on circumstances. But if you set up a visitation schedule and he doesnt show up then he doesnt see the kids plain and simple until his next scheduled visit. You dont have to keep adjusting the schedule to fit in around him. You dont have to keep getting sucked into a drama with him. If he he starts threatning you with court dont even sweat it. Courts not this thing you need to be scared of and it will probably end up costing your ex a lot of money to do it anyway. Unless you or one of your children are shielding then visitation should be continuing as normal during lockdown according to government guidelines, although many co parents have decided together to suspend visitaion. If there was a court order in place it wouldn’t matter whether he was seeing his sister or not you would still be obliged to honour the court order. Now that’s not me saying you have to hand them over to him at all thats entirely your decision and as I said you should seek further advice on it. I assume from what you have said that you want him to remain a part of your children’s lives so I would say the following to you : set out a temporary visitation schedule and stick to it, as I said if he doesnt show that’s his loss. As soon as you are able get yourself some advice from a solicitor (most offer free consultations and some do legal aid and pro bono if money is an issue), ensure any contact you have with your ex is via messenger or whatsapp or whatever and if you do speak in person record the conversations so you have a record of everything discussed, ensure you remain civil no matter what he does to provoke you and keep conversations focused on the kids. You dont need to respond to him about stuff thats not related to the kids or shared assets. I dont know what your financial situation is but you can get further advice on that from your local job centre and citizens advice. As for lockdown rules I know they are very confusing but there are online covid 19 support groups that may be able to give you more accurate information about that and offer further guidance. The initial stages of a breakup and trying to sort visitsion can often be messy and hectic and have a lot of upset. Feelings are still raw and you are all having to adjust to a completely new way of life. There are professional services available to help the two of you work through all of this such as counselling or mediation. If it was going to court you would probably be ordered to both attend mediation first anyway as judges do prefer if parents can work it out for themselves rather than it coming to court and the judge having to rule on a decision. So perhaps you could get in touch with a mediator, again some are run by charities if money is an issue. I hope things settle down and I hope this info helps. Stay safe

    #39966 Report

    Amelia
    Participant

    We will be going to mediation as soon as we are allowed. I said he could live here and coparent during the pandemic equally but he didn’t seem to want that. Surely it’s not ok to go between our house which is the one place he sees the children currently, his sisters if he doesn’t choose to stay here which are both in essex and then his girlfriends in Sheffield which is a 3&half car journey away. He had said commuting back and forth from Sheffield was out of the question and he lied about being there. I just think he will continue to lie to do what he wants and not have the safety of the children at his priority.  He is manipulative and a bully.

    #39967 Report

    Bunnyhop
    Participant

    If hes lying and manipulative and a bully then you need to be able to prove that hence why I said you should have a record of any communication between the pair of you. And the reason I said to be careful what you say to him is because my solicitor told me I shouldnt say anything to my ex I wouldn’t want read out in court. Unless there was abuse or the children were at serious risk with him its unlikely a judge would ever rule that he cant see the kids even if he is a liar. My ex is a compulsive liar but there’s nothing I can really do about that and it isnt enough grounds to stop him seeing the kids. Im also due to start mediation with my ex after lockdown but it took 5 months to get to that point because he kept trying to stall and delay because he knows he isnt going to be able to sit there and lie and bully me in mediation. The mediators are used to dealing with people like that so you may find mediation helpful. And if he isnt co-operative in mediation or doesnt turn up it would go badly against him in court. If youve no current court order then he cant force you to hand over the kids, but Ive heard judges are really cracking down on parents who are refusing visitstion during lockdown so if he did pursue the matter you would have to be sure you had enough grounds to justify your actions. Im not saying that to try and sway you into making any decision I am just giving you all the info ai have in the hopes it helps. I would speak to a solicitor about him seeing his siter and your concerns about that putting the kids at risk. I know this isnt an easy situation but hopefully you get it resolved soon

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