Newly separated with 2 children
11 February 2021 at 9:24 pm #49391
Hi. A couple of weeks ago my partner of 14 years told me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. We have two boys of 5 and 7 years. Although things hadn’t been right for us for a while, I was devastated. A few days later he said he’d made a mistake and was loving towards me again. It felt like it did years ago. But within a week he said it wouldn’t work out and that it was over. When he was a boy his dad had an affair and left his mum who was depressed for years. He has always said that that ruined his life and he’d never put his children through that. So he wants me and the children to stay in the house so that we co-habit. I asked him if there was anyone else involved and he says he has his eye on one or two (from work)! I don’t think that I can live with him if he starts to date another woman. It’s still too raw. He never once talked seriously about our issues for the sake of our children which annoys me as he’s just repeating what his dad did to him. I’ve done a lot of crying and I’m sleeping in the spare room. I also don’t have a job as I gave up my career to look after the children and haven’t been able to find anything that fits in with the school run and school holidays. Just wondered what people thought of my situation.11 February 2021 at 10:44 pm #49395
you could have a go at couples counselling. would your partner be interested?11 February 2021 at 11:25 pm #49398
I’m not ‘people’,but I still think,a bit.
I think it’s an appalling idea,cruel,to expect you to live in the same household while he does whatever he fancies in front of your face.Extremely hurtful.And excuse me, but the gall to tell you he has an eye on 1or 2 from work…nauseous.Where’s the shame?!
I imagine its extra difficult now bc there’s not many places to go to be out of the house,you must be really miserable.I wouldn’t know what to do with myself personally! I’m sorry this is happening to you.💝12 February 2021 at 9:59 pm #49422
I think this is really unfair in you. Yes your children are top priority, but your feelings matter too abs if you are deeply unhappy you this will impact in them. He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
I separated from my husband about 8 months ago. We had tried counselling twice. It was my decision. He was extremely shocked even though I had been telling him I was unhappy for a long time. It’s complicated, but basically he refused to leave the house and the kids and I had to move during lockdown. My kids are 5 and 7. My eldest is still struggling with the fact that we left abs he is still there. If you can I would try and stay in the house or both leave. I was just so desperate to leave the toxic environment I had to go.
Every situation is different though. Perhaps you can work it out? Although his comment about people at work is so cruel.
Everything will be ok in the eventually. I am sure it doesn’t feel it now. But it will be.12 February 2021 at 10:03 pm #49423
You could get help with money from state too. I work part time and get a little too up in benefits. It’s only short term until I get myself back on my feet. Perhaps this is your time to think about what you really want. It seems like you have put caring for your family first. Who is looking after you? I was thinking about this today. I don’t need anyone to look after me, but it would be nice to be in an equal relationship, where my feelings mattered. I have a feeling when you have time to breathe to may have some realisations. X12 February 2021 at 11:20 pm #49425
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better than a partner who apparently has his eye on 1 or 2 from work… so disrespectful to even joke about if it wasn’t serious during a time when you’re particularly vulnerable. I don’t have much advice except it sounds like he is blowing hot and cold and who’s to say he won’t do this for the rest of your relationship if you stay together / live together? Perhaps explore counselling first so you can say you’ve exhausted all options for staying together and making it work first but if you are not happy you need to take control and you will find living apart will be better in the long run. Try to be strong for your kids and make this new chapter of your life better than putting up with mediocrity and coming second best. It doesn’t have to be as traumatic for your kids as your husband had it- you don’t have to be the depressed mum, you can eventually be the mum whose self-respect is back, independent and loving life without any ties from this man. Sending loads of support and love, I’ve recently separated with 2 young kids and it’s flipping hard and lonely but it is for the best this end for sure. Xx13 February 2021 at 6:24 pm #49444
Thank you for all of your kind and helpful replies. This weekend my ex (I’m still getting used to saying that and haven’t told family and friends yet) is in London on a business trip. I know that he’s definitely dealing with work but it’s also very likely that he’s meeting up with his new love interest from work ( covid rules don’t really apply to him, in his mind). So I’m having to be really strong and try not to let my mind wander about what he’s up to. In a lot of ways it’s easier that he’s not here, working from home and popping in to make a coffee every five minutes. My children help me to keep busy(!) but my eldest has been feeling sad that his dad is away for a few days. He’s noticed that we are sleeping in different rooms and got upset saying that daddy didn’t want to be with us anymore. I made it clear that daddy loves him and his brother very much and is away for work but it showed me how much his dad would be missed if we moved out. So I’m going to try to be strong and see if living in the same house as my ex will work out. I just hope he doesn’t flaunt a new relationship in my face. This is tough.