Newly separated now single mum of two
24 April 2020 at 3:46 pm #39341
Hi everyone. I am new to this group but I have spent time reading all of your supportive messages which are all very reassuring.
I don’t know where to start really…all I can say is my life was (I thought) happy and content only 4 months ago. It was December 2019 when my husband randomly told me he was no longer in love with me?? I was devastated but we tried to make it work. We started counselling in January but that just made things worse. In February I tracked him to a hotel and he admitted to meeting an old work collague there. He said they had not been physical but she had been a confidante to talk to for the past few weeks because he had been unhappy unbeknown to me. He wouldn’t tell me how long they has been speaking. I still stayed with him because I love him and I desperately wanted us to work but he just kept me at arms length..I got the impression he felt he was betraying her being intimate with me. By the end of March I could no longer take the rejection so I packed his things and he moved out to his mum’s. A week later he is “official” with her!!! I am devastated to say the least. We have two children 7 and 10. We were married 12 years and together 16!!
I just don’t understand how he could do this. We didn’t argue, all I know is he said i didn’t make him feel loved – I did struggle to show him affection due to childhood trauma. Now I spend my day crying inbetween caring for the children. I’ve lost 4 stone in four months. Absolutely nothing takes my mind off it. I constantly miss him, love him and are consumed wondering what they say to each other and just them being together. I really need some advice to get through the day. I have family and friends and spend vast amounts of time on the phone to them. I struggle to get through the day without regular pep talks but the kids are noticing I spend lots of time on the phone.
My husband has the kids alternate weekends and I absolutely dread them. I can’t deal with the loneliness but also seeing him puts me back in a dark place because I just pine for him.
Sorry about the long story I just need some help.24 April 2020 at 7:39 pm #39347
It is hard losing someone you love so dearly it’s like your mourning me myself I dread the night when my daughter goes to bed and I’m alone because the loneliness it’s like a creeping despair but I never show it infront of my little girl I’ll scream into my pillow and cry at night but it gets easier in time time does heal but not all wounds but when he picks up your kids make sure your suited and booted and your loopy on and not for his benefit for yours and don’t it very day dress to impress yourself no one else if you start to love yourself it gets easier at the end of the day you did nothing wrong he did remember that
hi I’m Kyle hope this helps if you wanna chat drop me a message talking always helps24 April 2020 at 8:30 pm #39348
Hello ginger 83
This is very similar to my own trauma , my husband in 2017 had ten weeks with someone else didn’t see our kids at all after she had finished with him he begged to come home I had missed him so much I agreed fast forward to 14.01.2020 he left again 😔 I don’t know where he is he has had no contact with our girls who are 5 and 6 it’s been so hard our youngest thinks after covid 19 daddy will come home IV tried to explain holding back the tears he won’t but she doesn’t understand he hasn’t been paying CSA and is now sporting a new gf and her four kids all over social media it’s soul destroying 8 years married to this man I’m crushed I wish I could offer some words of comfort but I dont think anyone else can heal our pain massive virtual hug to both you and Kyle .24 April 2020 at 9:15 pm #39350
Thank you guys..talking definitely helps.
Could anyone help with ideas of ways to stop consuming my brain with him and her? I’m desperate to find ways of changing my mindset and thought process. I’ve tried playing games with the kids, doing odd jobs and reading but when I’m not looking I revert to thinking about him.
I wonder if it’s because I blame myself for his unhappiness?? I could be cold and short with him, I wasn’t affectionate and sex was a chore at times but now he’s gone I regret all of my actions because he always made me feel loved and looked after me and the kids. I’d do anything to turn back the clock.24 April 2020 at 10:56 pm #39353
you cannot blame yourself for his unhappiness. you are not the one to make him happy. if he couldn’t find happiness within himself, that’s entirely up to him. nobody will give it to him, that’s the way it is.
i have recently separated after 14 years of marriage. 2 boys aged 13 and 11. you know, its not easy but gets better. its hard NOT to think about the past and ruminate and play all the possible scenarios of what could have happened and all the iffs. for me work helps. i also self reffed to talking therapies, which helps actually. it validates my feelings and concerns, and makes me realise im not the one or only one to blame.
i do miss presence of 4th person in the house, but i dont miss him anymore. i am also very angry he has been fooling me all these years and anger helps me going 😉24 April 2020 at 11:11 pm #39354
Please dont ever blame yourself. I was in your shoes this time last year and felt everything you are feeling. Try and get some counselling, that helped me process it all… time really is an amazing thing. I hated when people said this to me BUT its true. I can see now it was not my fault and that sometimes the lives we thought we had, that were good, take a new turn, a new direction and my goodness whilst it’s scary, daunting… it also brings new happiness, a new sense of achievement being a single mum and it 10000% makes you and your children closer than you ever imagined you’d be x25 April 2020 at 2:12 am #39357
I’m maria I feel for you I went through all this 2 yes ago my hubby walked out I found out 4 wks he was with another woman before he left me I have private mess u25 April 2020 at 7:10 am #39363
Thank you everyone. Your own experiences do help me. Everyone does tell me it’s a time thing and I am desperately trying to give myself the time but waking up each day with a kick in the stomach makes each day feel like an eternity and then you have to do it all again. I am struggling to just be here despite having two children which I know sounds terribly selfish but I don’t know how to pave a life without my husband 😓