Newly separated, my fault, so broken

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  • #28953 Report

    Missy21
    Participant

    Hello… So my husband of 12 years left me 8 weeks ago. We have 2 children, 11 & 7.

    I’d been in contact with an old male friend for several years, & there had been some times when things hadn’t been great at home when our conversations had become flirtatious. My husband had been becoming close to a mutual female friend who kicked her husband out a few months ago, then he told me he was working one Saturday & I discovered he’d spent the day with her. I checked his phone & saw flirty messages so asked him about it, he asked me about my friend. I admitted we’d had some flirtatious conversations but cut contact immediately and begged my husband to try to work things out. He said we’d broken each other’s trust too much & there’s no going back. I know he also checked my phone at some point

    He’s now moved in with her, told our girls he’s with her & says there’s no point talking about it all. I feel absolutely devastated, full of remorse & shame for ruining my girls’ lives and his, & just want to die. The only thing keeping me going is my girls and what it would do to them.

    I don’t want sympathy as I know I don’t deserve it. Just someone to maybe tell me this is survivable?

    #28956 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Hi Missy,

    I think you’re beating yourself up too much, yes perhaps the flirting shouldn’t of happened but it’s not as though anything actually happened unlike your what your ex has done. It sounds as though your ex is placing a higher value on your behaviour in an excuse to lessen his own behaviour. It takes 2 to tango and it seems your ex was tangoing in a worse way than you so stop putting the blame 100% on yourself.

    I’m not going to say it’s going to be easy to get through this but you can definitely find a way through. You’ve learnt some lessons which will one day help you find happiness again.

    All the best

    Mark

    #28961 Report

    Missy21
    Participant

    Thanks for replying.

    I guess I just feel like if I hadn’t done what I did, he wouldn’t have done what he did.

    We were everyone’s idea of the perfect couple, & although we were far from perfect, we were so much better than this. Just can’t believe I was so stupid and threw it all away instead of trying harder to fix what was wrong before it got to this.

    #28962 Report

    Hi Missy21

    I’m Justine, one of the moderators.  I’ve just read through your comments.  Its good to see you chatting here with other parents.  I will be sending you a private message so please look out for it.

    Justine

    #28964 Report

    Ali.saa
    Participant

    Dear missi,

    The past is gone and you can’t do nothing. So please don’t blame yourself.

    Pull yourself together and just think about your kids.

    Listen to my story

    3 years ago when I was sleeping, my wife checked my phone and realized something wrong and after 2 years we got divorced…

    I didn’t blame myself because we had a bad and horrible relationship with each other from the beginning. She wasn’t my favourite person by the way.

    I accept my son responsibility and she got married again.

    This is life missy. If you made any mistake you have to accept the consequences and don’t worry. Don’t blame yourself just think about your kids and try to learn something from your past experience.

    Now, I’m living alone and I completely aware of my damn things that I did before…

    But, I have a chance to live again, I have a chance to be happy again, I have a chance to have awesome relation with other women.

    You can also be happy again.

    Don’t blame yourself and just think about your kids and just let those terrible things go….

    Be strong….

    #28992 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Missy,

    Sometimes no matter what you do you can’t fix something that was broken and from the sounds of it your ex had already given up.

    Give yourself a break and look to the future, dwelling on what might of been isn’t going to help, nor is blaming yourself.

    Mark

    #29008 Report

    F1madmum
    Participant

    Hi Missy

    I separated three months ago from my husband, we’d been together 11 years. We’d had fundamental problems but I dealt with it with wine – and that is the main reason he left.

    Like you, I blamed myself 100% and was so sad I couldn’t get through half an hour without crying. My two y/o boy gave me a reason to get up and carry on.

    I now realise that it is never only one person’s fault, that has helped. Yes, I have bad days, but there is laughter again in the house with my son, and with friends.

    I wanted so desperately for my husband to come home that I clung on to that hope, no matter how clear he made it that it was over. I was expending all that energy on something that wasn’t going to happen, and every time he repeated his intention, it was like it happening all over again from the beginning.

    So I am getting myself straight, for my son and for me. I would dearly love to turn the clock back, but hanging on was just holding me back.

    Accept it will take time, but that there will come a day when you will realise the only way is up.

    Somebody told me the day after the split that I wouldn’t feel that bad forever. I didn’t believe them – but it really is true.

    Be kind to yourself. Here if you need to chat.

    Karen

    #29046 Report

    Godslove
    Participant

    Hi Missy,

    I definitely agree with everyone above.

    You are being way to harsh on yourself plus it probably feel worse as it feels like he has moved on to the next chapter of his life too.

    Dont forget, you was willing to make things worse. In a marriage or even a relationship- if someone does wrong, it doesn’t give the other person the right to go off and do whatever and then take it up another level.

    Forgive yourself- it’s okay and it’s past. You haven’t messed up the girls life- if anyone did- he did.

    But at the same time, it’s not a blaming game, give yourself time to heal.. pain guilt- whatever you are feeling

    you will be fine and those feelings will pass. Don’t allow him to make you feel like he is the victim.

    Stay Strong Hun x

    #29056 Report

    Missy21
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies.

    Sometimes I feel a little stronger & see ways in which it isn’t all my fault, other times I’m still completely broken & blame myself.

    The last few days have been horrible; separate post I think. Thank you all for your support though. Much appreciated. x

    #29073 Report

    Missy21
    Participant

    So today he’s decided to take the new woman to a work colleague’s bbq, to which we were all invited as a family, instead of taking the kids. Actively chosen her over them. And my weekend plans have fallen through, so we’ve been out & we’re now sitting at home feeling sad with nothing to do.

    How do you get through this bit? 😢

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