Newly separated and seeking advice about how much truth to tell the children

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  • #6043 Report

    Weazle
    Participant

    I have been separated for 3 months and have 3 children who are 16, 13 and 10. I have been married for 11 years and with my partner for 20 years in all. In September i found out that my husband had been having an affair with a woman from work for over a year. According to that woman she was not the first. I have obviously been in shock and have refused to see him at all, cutting him out and just focusing on the kids has been my way of coping.  I told my 16 year old the basic truth, when it happened, but did not tell the younger two. I have told them we have separated because it wasn’t working but that both parents love them just the same etc and their Dad has maintained that story too. The younger two see their Dad regularly but my eldest saw him once, it went badly and doesn’t want any contact for now. I don’t actually want to demonise their Dad by telling the younger two what has really happened, as I think it is in their best interests to have a good relationship with him but it is really hard. The youngest asks lots of questions and is quite open about how sad she is and how she wants us to get back together, my middle one asks nothing, doesn’t want to talk about it at all and is a bit of a stroppy, angry 13 year old. Has anyone been through a similar situation or can offer any advice on whether I should tell them the truth or not? At times it is really hard to know what to do for the best. I reassure them all regularly that none of it was their fault or anything to do with them etc.

    #6048 Report

    Dee-K
    Participant

    Hi

    7 years this Cristmas since my ex left for a woman he was having an affair with at work. He actually moved out the weekend before Christmas. My son was 11 then and my daughter 9. Lewis found out from his dad that he’d met someone else, he was very angry and wouldn’t see him for a while. H didn’t have the same problem I think due to the fact that she has autism and didn’t understand what was happening. L started seeing his dad after a couple of months but refused to see his new partner for just over a year. He is 18 now and see his dad when it fits in with his plans. I have never slated their dad in front of them, I think they should be able make their own decisions.

    Your children will find out and that will be difficult at first but their loyalty will always be with you. Sadly your at the beginning of a long emotional journey. It took me a year to stand back up but I did and I blossomed.

    Hang in there, I have a good support network to help you through. Please feel free to get in touch if you need a chat, I do know what your going through and it absolutely horrible.

    be kind to yourself

    Dee

    #6160 Report

    red23
    Participant

    I have a couple of adult friends whose parents, when they were younger, had hid the truth from them about the reasons for their divorces. It was as hard for my friends to get over the fact that their parents misled them for so many years, as it was to get over the fact that one parent had cheated on the other.

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