Newbie, seeking hope that life will improve

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  • #52008 Report

    DPS80
    Participant

    Hi all

    New to this site and unfortunately being single, background: have been with wife 16 years, married 10, 2 beautiful children, had a perfect 16 years, never argue.

    Then boom in November I found out she was having multiple affairs, she completely change person in a flick of a switch. Four months of struggles more lies and deceit, I was so low I tried to kill myself a month back.

    i have lost my family, home and everything I dreamed off, people are telling me things will get better, you will be happier etc etc

    My wife is on dating sites already, kids are struggling at school as they want me back and I  living in an air bnb or at my parents, I am 40 years old and have worked so hard to get the family in a position where we were mortgage free with a lovely big home, now my family has been wrecked and I am not seeing the kids much due to having nowhere for them to stay.

    i have been, loving, honest, faithful and the best husband/Dad I can be, I feel I don’t deserve this, the pain is so intense I want to disappear, any advice how I can change my mentality into a positive outlook would be highly appreciated x

    #52016 Report

    Emma41
    Participant

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear what has happened. I am in a currently going through a separation also. I have been with my fiance for 6 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. We were supposed to have gotten married last September but had to postpone to this September due to Covid (all booked and paid for). Life was great, or so I thought, with the exception of lock down and him being furloughed for the past 12 months.

    Then 6 weeks ago, out of the blue, he turned around and said he just didn’t love me anymore, he doesn’t know why. Literally the day before we were plannign our honeymoon. Since then he has cancelled the wedding, moved out, ended our joint finances…everything. As far as I am aware there is no one else but I do know how that feels. I have been married before (was with him for 15 years) and he cheated on me, it is an awful thing to have to go through.

    So sad that you were feeling in such a bad place to have tried to take such drastic action. Can i ask why you have been the one to have to move out of the house?

    I am afraid I have no magic advice on how to feel better quickly. I am currently feeling very low and heartbroken. But I make sure I get up and dressed every morning and to work. I am doing my best to ensure my daughter is as little affected by this as possible so am making sure she sees her daddy.

    The emotional side and healing is going to take time, maybe a long time but it will happen. In the meantime maybe try and focus on some practical things. I don’t know your financial situation but it sounds like your family home / place for you to live is something that needs arranging. Also any other joint monies etc. How is your ex behaving with regards to you having access to your children?

    I feel your pain. I feel such a loss of us as a couple and a family, of the life I believed we had and the future we had planned. It is difficult to accept and to focus on anything. Just take one small step every day. Whether it is sorting something practical or just going for a walk. Remember whatever happens your children need you and so you need to look after yourself so you can be there for them. Hope is never lost.

    Do you have many friends / family for support?

    My list for the next week is to: Sort out my finances / stop looking on social media / focus on my daughter / ensure i get fresh air every day / start something new which i didn’t do with my partner (whether that be cooking new food / a new tv show / reading a new book / walking somewhere new – anything to distract me for a while).

    I don’t know if any of this will help but it is a small start. Just have to try and let go of what was and was I thought was going to be. Allow yourself to feel what you need to but only for a while then make a plan. Hope this helps a little, keep your chin up these days will pass.

    #52018 Report

    DPS80
    Participant

    Hi Emma, thanks for the response. Back in November when she told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore I questioned if there was anyone else involved and she promised there wasn’t, it was only that I caught her out that I know she was sleeping around, unfortunately people don’t just walk away from long term relationships unless they have been tempted by someone else especially if you have had a happy marriage.

    Regarding Assetts she has agreed to split everything 50/50 including kids, think she foes feel some guilt, her Dad is loaded so she does not need my money.

    She thinks we can be friends but I can’t think of anyone on the planet I hate more right now, regarding me leaving, she told me too and staying there was not helping me mentally as she was being horrible and using me to look after kids while she was meeting up with other men

     

     

    #52021 Report

    Emma41
    Participant

    Hi, I completely understand that at this moment in time (maybe forever) you cannot be friends with her, that is totally normal. At this point you need to focus on yourself and your children. Maybe make a list of steps you feel you need to take to get yourself some consistency in your life, then try and complete one step each day. Maybe once you have your own place you can start to heal. You can also then provide a loving home for your children whom you clearly love very much.

    If you are struggling with your feelings and emotions have you considered counselling? Or do you have friends / family you can talk to honestly and openly?

    I have a great support network but I felt maybe coming on to these forums would help, as much as my network is amazing they haven’t gone through anything like this (I hope they never do). So I think it is difficult for them to know what to say or how to act. At the end of the day they go back to their partners and I am left alone.

    You can never truly know what goes on in another person’s mind, not can you control their actions. The only thing you can control is yourself. I am trying my best to be the bigger person, regardless of how heartbroken and hurt I am.  Not for him but for myself and my daughter. Be kind to yourself and if you need to chat just post

     

     

    #52026 Report

    jennythewren
    Participant

    Hello! I’m new and my husband is having an affair, so we’re having to separate. He’s blaming me too and I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” crap too. I’m seeing a counsellor and writing a journal – that’s the only way I can cope. I’m just functioning at work and trying to keep my three year old alive. Its hard, but I hope it gets easier.

    #52029 Report

    Emma41
    Participant

    Hi Jenny, Sorry to hear you are also experiencing all this heartache. I think the ‘i love you but i am not in love with you’ comment is just a complete cop out. Either be honest and say i have met someone else or they should look at why they feel different and try to sort out the issues, preferably with their partner by their side. I too have started writing in a journal, not to re-read but just to try and get some of my feelings out. Same here with just about functioning at work and looking after a 3 year old. It will get easier, at some point, just need to accept that in the meantime there will be ok days and there will be bad days. We have just got to ride the tide until we land safely on the shore…..today is def a rocky day for me but my girl will keep me focused.

    #52030 Report

    DPS80
    Participant

    I do have a great support network and I am sort of ok when I with them, tbh I am very lonely and have never lived by myself and I find myself late evening over analysing until I get in such a panic I start biting myself on my arms to shift the pain from my heart to somewhere else, if only temporarily. I just see no future I loved my family and life so much pre covid, since I hit 40 it has all gone to shit, Dads got Alzheimer’s and my Mum is suffering with heart problems, every aspect of life apart from a few hours here and there when I have the kids is purely existing in pain

    #52156 Report

    Gummibear123
    Blocked

    Yes it’s the evenings and nights that are the worst for most people.

    The loneliness can be really scarey if you’ve been used to company for years.I found when I was first on my own & the kids were all small and were in bed early the loneliness was the ‘cherry on the cake’ after the day had been realy difficult,it was like a slap in the face every day for a real long time.Nightmare.

    I don’t want to preach but I found learning about mindfulness really helped to stop me panicking and helped with the ruminating/chewing over and over the situation.

    I’m sorry about your parents as well.My dad was ill when these things happened to me then he died a short time later then the family kind of fell apart so I didn’t have support (and I had 4 kids,3 under age 4) and had to do everything alone.I often felt like I was dead,I got very little rest and hardly ate and the slightest thing made me well up with tears like an emotional wreck.The only way I got through was absolutely forcing myself to carry on.Maybe not the best way in retrospect but if you can keep to a decent routine it does help keep you sane.You don’t have to worry about the future now.Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.Sometimes literally keep moving.Once we start sinking into a pool of misery and depression it’s a hard climb back up,so for now try to be kind to yourself like you would to a stranger who was going through this.In a couple of weeks things will be opening up again.Plan something good to do now,you have to have something to  look forward to,you deserve it!

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