Newbie! Agghhh. Divorce N Stuff.. advice please :)
18 August 2019 at 7:51 am #29316
Totally new – 10 minutes in – my ex husband left the house last october after a good few rollercoaster years of pain. I am in a much better place now.. 40 next month and a 9yr old happy boy (because mummy is happier!).. I just need a bit of advice on any of the following ..
1) son – disappointment… I’m sick to death of having to explain to my son that daddy isnt coming.. again.. . He has been putting something else (he says work.. I’m not sure..) first for at least a year now and my son is always completely fed up when he let’s him down at the last minute. He ‘works’ all the time and has been in financial trouble for years. I have no idea where he lives and am literally waiting for him to announce some new woman somewhere. Has anyone been in a similar situation where ‘work’ comes first and you’re having to pick up the pieces..? Any tips?
3) meeting new people… what the?!. I’m petrified. I do NOT want to go on any apps because I’m terrified one of my students will see me or worse my ex will use it against me in some way. What do you all do to meet new people and not feel like an idiot??
Any advice of any kind welcome… 😉
Claire18 August 2019 at 8:31 am #29320
Your second point is something that i completely resonate with- I take it you’re a teacher? Me too!
I am certainly no where near the thought of dating, we have just separated but thought of “trying” to meet new people terrifies me!
I noticed on another post you mentioned a self referral into Mind- was it worth doing? I’m feeling incredibly isolated and desperately wanting to be back at work to get into a routine because all I can think about is the “what ifs”
Lindsay18 August 2019 at 11:10 am #29331
Yep.. I lecture at uni and have been a teacher for some time. I have been separated for a while and am filling in divorce paperwork this afternoon! I finally.. finally.. feel liberated! I cannot recommend Mind enough. I thought I would be waiting for months and months for an appointment but I waited two weeks! I’m in Bexley in Kent. It wasnt too bad at all and I really needed it. I thought it was all my fault.. he had convinced me it was all in my head and I learned not to trust my gut. How wrong I was..! So many people told me what was happening and I just couldnt believe it would happen to me! I consider myself half intelligent and thought I could read things better. Then I felt guilty for my son.. the whole process has taken over a year but now I finally feel ready to attempt to meet new people.. for conversation at first would be great! Ha! You can do it… stay strong and trust yourself. It worked eventually!18 August 2019 at 11:01 pm #29358
I also have a 9yo who gets disappointed when his dad doesn’t call or stands him up. Choosing what to say to him is harder still as his dad has taken me to court in order to gain extra time with the kids (the irony!).
You don’t want to hurt your kid, but you also don’t want to be complicit in the idea that this is an acceptable way for a parent to behave towards their child. And you don’t want to lie, because that will just break the trust your child has in you, leaving him with zero reliable, honest parents who he can talk to about life.
A lot also depends on your kid’s personality and how much he wants to talk.
My own experience is, as the parent who is absent, your ex won’t be held accountable for what he taught your son. As the parent who is present, wondering what on earth to say or how to answer your child’s questions and how to deal with his emotions and your own at the same time, you’re likely to get blamed for anything!
I really wish I had a better answer.