New to this separation thing!

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  • #56769 Report

    Nicky C
    Participant

    Hi everyone.
    mom a 43 year old with two children aged 16 and 14. My husband and I have been together for 21 years in a pretty stable relationship.

    Recently we have struggled and both had some huge rows in front of the children where we’ve both said some nasty things about each other.

    last night was the final straw where I took the dog out, and he followed me. He’s acting very strangely since I lost 2st at Christmas abs got myself to the gym.

    We agreed last night that things are not working but he tried to pin the blame entirely on me and said I was his everything. He’s never really tried, never taken me out for meals (it’s always me that’s made the bookings), never really instigated sex, again it’s me that’s usually made the first move.

    I’ve told him that the time has come to move on with our lives and start to plan for a separation. Today he left fit work at 5.30am (1&1/2 hours earlier that usual) and I feel broken. I’m worried I’ve done the wrong thing and that this could be fixed but then I look and see all the hurt and nasty things we have said to each other.

    My children are sick of the arguments and have told me that they think we should separate but I’m worried, scared and feel totally lost.

    Any advice would be gratefully received.

    Nicky

    #56774 Report

    Cariad63
    Participant

    Separation can be a liberating thing but when children are involved it is seldom easy. It sounds that with your weight loss he is jealous and insecure that you are having or looking to have an affair though no doubt you have lost the weight to feel better about yourself he perhaps doesn’t see it that way. Personally I would attempt to sit down with him and clarify the situation as calmly as possible – as in OK we are separating, how can we make this work best for both of us and the children, do a spreadsheet together of all your current costs and what those costs will be when you have separated etc. Discuss the practicalities and realities that you are both about to face.

    Suggest mediation – it might help, defuse or crystallise your positions. Is this to be a permanent thing? A period of separation might help, if he is able to care for the children he/ you rent a flat / room . Some people even have the children stay in the family home and the parents spend 1 week in the family home and then swap places with the other – as in you’d spend a week in the family home then a week in the flat etc, or to save money if it is an option you spend a week at your parents then the following week he spends a week at his parents but this would certainly not have worked in my case! Just ideas, it is different for everyone. You have 21 years together it’s worth a shot but will give you both space to really know what you want, he or you might see things differently when you have had some space, it doesn’t mean its the end, though of course it often is. Good luck!

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