New to this and feeling lost…
2 April 2021 at 3:09 pm #52289
Hi, I am very new to this single parent malarky. My husband (and father to my 1yr old twins) left in February because he didn’t love me anymore.
I’m finding it very difficult to come to terms with being alone now as we were together for 7 years, and now I feel like I have a huge dark hole in my life where something is missing.
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat properly and I am finding it really hard to enjoy my time with the twins.
I am so angry at myself because I always thought I was stronger than this and I am wasting so much emotional energy on HIM when it is not reciprocated. I am finding it incredibly difficult to let go!
He doesn’t care about me anymore, he’s made that clear now and I just want to feel the same about him!
Does anyone have any wise words of wisdom for me? Even if it is to tell me to get a grip…. because I need that!
Thank you x2 April 2021 at 6:29 pm #52290
Hi, I think it’s very normal to feel like this. My husband ended our 18 years marriage in January and I still feel like you described your feelings. I am no expert but I think it’s harder to let go when you are not the decision maker. Take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and your emotions. It’s so hard and heart breaking to let go. Does he still sees the children? Mine does (which is brilliant) but each time he picks them up the wound opens up again. My ex thinks we can be friends just like that. It breaks my heart just even thinking about.
You are grieving about your relationship which is normal and will take time xx3 April 2021 at 5:56 am #52296
Thank you Rose.
Yes he still sees the boys regularly and just like you say, each time he leaves it hurts all over again!
I’m struggling to be in his presence because all I want to do is talk about “us” and he has had enough of that now. In his eyes it is over and there is no more for us to talk about. Plus he says it impacts his time with the boys if we just talk the whole time – which is true.
The whole situation at the moment is just very difficult and I just don’t want to care anymore! X3 April 2021 at 11:52 am #52302
It’s not easy but it does get better.
I was the opposite to you, I left. I don’t know if it helps but being the leaver can hurt too. Sometimes the guilt means you find it hard talking to your ex because you know you are hurting them all over again and you think you are being kind by not staying around.
It is also sometimes not a black and white decision. You loved the person and committed to them but something changed and you know you can’t carry on as it was. There isn’t necessarily a one thing that you can point to, and it’s neither persons ‘fault’. Being stand offish can be a behaviour because you know how easy it would be to go back and not go through the hurt of separation. It’s self protection. Again not kind but it’s to prevent uncertainty for both parties, to not give false hope.
This is all from my perspective and may be different to your ex. I’m saying this in the hope that it helps.
My ex and I are fairly good friends now. We gave each other space to come to terms with things and now can have a relationship that is good for the kids. I hope things work out for you too.3 April 2021 at 1:55 pm #52303
Thanks so much for replying. It is actually really interesting to hear it from the opposite perspective so thank you for being so open and honest.
I absolutely 100% know that my ex feels guilty, but he doesn’t ever really want me to see that side. He’s very cold towards me and can say quite hurtful things, but I believe that’s just because he really wants me to “get over it”. Also, like you said, he doesn’t want any confusion or for me to get the wrong impression that by being nice it means he wants to come home.
I have very recently put my foot down and said we need to create more space between us because he was coming over a few nights a week to help bath & bed the twins, which wasn’t helping my mental health at all. So something had to change. I’m hoping that by making our contact as minimal as possible we will eventually get to a place where we can do things amicably for our boys, but also so I can heal.
I am really struggling to let go of all of the thoughts I have of him, past, present and future, and would give anything to just not care anymore! However, I know this isn’t possible just yet and it’s a point that will come in time x5 April 2021 at 9:25 am #52331
You will find strength. If not already you should speak to a counsellor.
It’s really helped me to see my worth.
I can only imagine how difficult it would be with twins but you’ll always be doing your best even when you feel like you’re not.
Keep going and be kind to yourself.
You deserve to be happy.x